Newbies Part 2

[resipsa]

Hello! I like starting threads - there are sadly too many of mine littered in conception, miscarriage and infertility.

My story? After two miscarriages in 5 months (both following donor egg IVF), my mind and body have had enough and my thoughts are turning to the idea of adoption because I want two children. DD (my and DH's BC) is 3.

We're at the thinking stage but I have registered my interest with my LA and a VA locally. But for DD, I would be pressing ahead at full speed but I worry about the potential negative impact on her. I never worried about how having another BC might affect her and so am unsure if I need to refocus on me and DH - we want another child - rather than concentrate on the sibling issue.

I hope there are others (Mersea, maybe?) in my shoes who will join me here in supporting each other through the process.

And to Italian - I love your story and hope to follow in your shoes!

Thanks Traffic. It may not come out like that in front of panel. I'll maybe print this out and take it with me. :D

Nope not had PAR yet, SW is bringing it with her next week! I know it's just for us to check factual stuff but I'm intrigued to see what she has written! Hope it's nice and complimentary!

Hi,

I'm new to mumsnet and adoption after 2 rounds of fertility treatment resulting in a miscarriage and a BFN. It's been 13 months since our BFN and we now feel ready to move onto adoption.

I wanted to ask your opinions on a few things before I speak to our LA to see whether you think the things I feel may be obstacles for us actually are-

• we live in a small 2 bed house with practically no garden but lots of parks and open spaces nearby. DH has a child aged 21+ who lives with his mother but occasionally stays with us in the spare room mainly if he has been out partying with his friends and doesn't want to drive anywhere or get a taxi home. DH also has 2 grandchildren who also sometimes stay over. Will SS say we don't have enough room to adopt? Our spare room would be our adopted child's room and if his child on the odd occasion wanted to stay over he would have to kip on the sofa, although as I say he lives with his mom and is 21+ so should we be expected to provide a room for him? It may mean his grandchildren would no longer be able to stay, until such time as our adopted child was old enough for sleep overs etc

• we have 2 holidays booked for next year (one already paid for, and the other almost paid for). Does this look like we aren't committed fully to the adoption process? We booked them earlier in the year before we decided to fully commit to the adoption process, in hindsight perhaps we shouldn't have booked anything until closer to the time, but we do like having something to look forward to.

• there was an incident many years ago (8) whereby me and DH had an argument and he called the police (I think at the time I had turned up to collect some things and had said I refused to leave until he explained to me why he was splitting up with me). They took a statement from him, but never followed up with me as I left before they arrived. We split up for 6 months, he hadn't long come out of a long term relationship and I was very young and passionate, time away from one another helped and have been together since we got back together. Would this incident come up on a police check? I'm just wondering if it's something we would need to mention from the outset, even though it was 8 years ago.

• we don't have any loans or credit cards, we have about £1300 savings, but do regularly go into our overdraft. We earn more than our outgoings, but have just got into bad habits I guess using the overdraft. We have a budget plan and should be back in the black by Feb, but would this look bad that we have been using our overdraft?

• we don't have any mutual friends who could provide references for us. There's an age gap between us meaning we have never really made any mutual friends. I have friends from work and an old friend from school and DH has friends at work but none are mutual. Due to DH past relationships we understand that SS would want to talk to his ex and grown up children, but has anyone else been in a position where they didn't have any none family members to provide references? We have a good support network, but that consists of my parents, DH's parents and other family members.

• I worked abroad for 5 months 8 years ago, would they need to do police checks going back this long?

I know we probably sound quite dysfunctional from the above, but we feel as though we have the most perfect relationship now. We have a nice (albeit small) home. We have enough money to go away once in a while. We both have nice families. We have lots of love and time to give to a child and feel we can provide a loving and supporting environment, I'm just worried the above may stand in our way. Am I making a big deal over these things over nothing or do you think I am right to be worried?

Thanks in advance for any replies.

Hi Star,

If you wrote down my family background it all sounds a bit crazy and dysfunctional so I wouldn't worry about it from that point of view. We seem to be moving through the process fairly smoothly! From my experience of SW and the process so far I would say the following:

• bedrooms: they will want you to demonstrate that little one has their own room that wont be shared, it has to be theirs so if you have two rooms and your step son can go else where that that would be fine.

• step son staying over after a night out: I would imagine they would suggest that doesn't happen once you have a little one placed, it could be disruptive for them and upsetting, even once they get to know their big brother. Alcohol and small children aren't a good mix

• police involved in argument: SW will want to know what went on I expect, they will want to know how you dealt with it and overcame the issues, they will want to know this sort of thing more generally anyway. How you deal with big decisions, day to day decisions, what you argue over most, how you get past the arguments etc

• money:we don't have savings and we rent from family. This didn't seem to be an issue, we are financially secure and I can take a year out of work at the very least, more if needed so if you are in a similar position then I don't think that would be an issue. They will ask you to consider the financial side of things. Some people seem to get asked more about it than we have though.

• Fertility treatment: They will want to know that you have fully come to terms with not having a biological child. I think mostly they suggest counselling to those who have not yet had it and they will want to talk to you about how you feel about it. On our first day of training I had to talk about our infertility to a group of strangers! It was very odd but I guess they need you to be able to cope with these things.

Holidays: I doubt things will happen so quickly as to interrupt holidays you have planned for the next year. It usually takes around 9 months to get through the process before the SW will start looking for a child and that's if things go very smoothly.

Referees: All our friends knew us both so we were in a slightly different position but as long as each friend knows you well I don't think it will be a problem. When you get to stage two they sit you down and go through your support network and ask about each person and what you would rely on them for.

When we rang our LA they sent someone to come and chat to us within two weeks, it was really helpful as we could just lay our cards on the table and go from there. That SW put us straight forward for training and stage one there and then. I know some people have had to wait a while or been asked to go to adoption info evenings or group events so I guess LAs/agencies vary in how they do things so it might be worth ringing a couple?

My only advice would be to be brutally honest with yourself and with the SW, the more open you can be the smoother I think things will go. It seems to have for us anyway. Best of luck whichever road you go down!

Hi,
For the police check, we had to provide addresses going back 10 years, and though it had been 7 years since I had been abroad, yes we did have to get police checks from there too. However it was very, very easy and quick, to get these checks from abroad. That will depend on where you were though!
Ours was a matter of doing an online form, providing payment, and 10 days later we had the thing in the post, and in English too, so didn't even require translating.

If it should prove difficult/impossible to get police checks from the country you were, there are usually ways around that.

Good luck!

Agree with Raspberry.

Thanks very much for all your responses.

Just to confirm we only have one spare room, so this would be for our adopted child. DH's child stays in that room at the moment, but DH would have to tell him it would no longer be available for him to use, once we decide to formally apply to SS.

Do you think SS would see this as a problem?

It's all so very worrying!

Do you mean your adult step son stays with you for family visits or he comes and cashes out at your place when he has had a night out?

If the former I would say it would be hard from him to stay, although if appropriate your living room sofa might mean he could stay overnight once your new child was familiar with him, in the future and if this might happen. Although your child may find this unsettling. You might want to talk to social workers about it.

If you mean the later, just crashing out at your place after a night out (nothing wrong in that as that is what young people do) but for a young child can be unsettling! As you said DH has a child aged 21+ who lives with his mother but occasionally stays with us in the spare room mainly if he has been out partying with his friends and doesn't want to drive anywhere or get a taxi home.

So if the latte then I would assume he has been out drinking and would agree with raspberry and say I would imagine they would suggest that doesn't happen once you have a little one placed, it could be disruptive for them and upsetting, even once they get to know their big brother. Alcohol and small children aren't a good mix

Remember any child you adopt, even a relatively young one, may have experienced possible people coming and going in their birth home, possibly staying overnight, unusual, possibly scary people in the house at all hours of day and night and possible alcohol and drug abuse in the house with them as a little one.

So having an adult staying over could be unsettling, especially someone asleep on the sofa meaning they can't get in to watch TV or eat breakfast etc could be unsettling.

If you really need a 'spare' room as well as little one's bedroom could you consider moving to a larger home or building an extension? Just an idea, I know it is not always possible. But if you think you will move then doing so before little one arrives is better.

When our birth dd was small we living in a small terraced two bed with a very small garden. We felt we needed more space and moved when she was young, we were lucky to find a nice place owned by an elderly person that needed work. Once we had one child we knew we wanted another and so a third bedroom was needed but it took us another 8 years of fertility treatment followed by adoption assessment before we finally got our second child.

Re referees, can you cultivate some mutual friends, perhaps people with children as these families who can be a useful resource of sharing ideas/passing on toys and just general support can be good for you both. If you have good friends who then get to know your dh then hey would become mutual friends.

Good luck.

I don't think they would see it as a problem if it was solely for your child's use.

Hello,

thanks everyone for comments on my last post. I feel much better about age rangenow I have had a chance to talk/think it through. I think I was upset by the SW pushing us on this month by month. We have decided to stick with our original age range.

Thanks for the comments about panel. Our SW has even told our references we will be approved unless something major happens between now and pannel date. I think I would have gone in underprepared without your useful comments. I now need to slightly restructure the referees expectations.

Panel said yes ??

Congratulations!

Thanks Traffic!

Congratulations Raspberry!

Congratulations Raspberry

Hooray Raspberry

Yay! Congratulations Raspberry

I've been a bit quiet here as we have been settling in our little boy! He came home on the 14th and has been an absolute star so far eating and sleeping well. I'm sure this is our honeymoon period but we are enjoying building and growing our bond with our amazing son

Sorry Dimples, Rhinos and Italian, missed your posts until the thread popped up again with CKs, thank you for the congrats! It's all calmed down a bit now I guess. SW was supposed to ring this week to sort out our next meeting but not heard a peep. Not to worried but I will chase if we don't hear anything next week, just so I know for sure our profile went out!

I'm feeling the need to buy something or do something so am looking for a scrapbook that I can start planning and might start taking some photos to go into it. What did others do? Buy a completely blank one or or one with a pattern of some sort on it? I thought if we go blank when we know girl/boy/age etc we can decorate with appropriate stuff. Paper chase have a blank one: www.paperchase.co.uk/stationery/photo-albums-scrapbooks/scrapbooks/kraft-square-scrapbook.html

Hello I'm new too. 38 in Stage 2. Hoping to adopt siblings. These boards seem so lovely and full of wisdom. So glad to have found you all!

Raspberry, we got a plain one and then decorated with stickers etc when we knew what our LO was into. Our LA said not to include pictures of wider family, just us.
Welcome, penthesilea, and good luck!

I wondered about wider family. So just us, house, dog etc tgen?

Raspberry we got a plain one and decorated with appropriate stickers. Just immediate family, and pet. No other relatives. Our little one was older (3) but would still have been too much IMHO.

Go for other relatives in book later.

Welcome Penthesilea.

How is everyone else doing?

hi all,

how exciting and terrifying, have just registered my interest with an agency. here we gooooo!

Hi InThisTogether! It is exciting isn't it. I was terrified and excited all in one when I made the first call??

Do you know what's bugging me tonight, that work will pay birth mothers 90% pay for 6 weeks after birth but as an adoptive mum I go straight to SAP. It's annoying me. I'm being childish but it does annoy me. Friends who've adopted had the same package, obviously at employer discretion. It's annoying me.

Raspberry

From 5 April 2015 the government is changing the rights on adoption leave and pay:

The Statutory Adoption Pay will change - the first six weeks will be paid at 90% of the employee's normal earnings, bringing it in-line with maternity pay

Acas linky