Annual updates 2013 - How's your year been?

[Lilka]

Hi everyone! It's the end of 2013, and that makes it time for my 4th annual updates thread! I started it after seeing the many updates threads on chat etc, because the adoption process and adoptive parenting can be so far removed from the 'standard' experience of becoming and being a parent, that really we should have our own annual updates thread where everyone 'gets it'. Also, we're all just too special to share everyone else's updates thread

Our previous threads, if you want to look back at what you said last year and the year before! are here: 2010 and 2011 and www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/1646934-End-of-the-year-updates-2012-Hows-yours-been

Everyone who wants to, please join in, including all you never-posting lurkers! Whether you're right at the beginning of the process or have been an adoptive parent for decades already, and tell us how your year has been

My update (eta: sorry for length!)

Looking back at previous years, I can't say that this year has been as good overall. It's been a very very difficult year overall, much more so than our last few.

Having said that, I have to start with the best news, we were all blessed at the end of August by the arrival of DD1's second daughter, a gorgeous 8lb beauty We love her to bits of course and it's hard to believe she's already 4 months old!

DGD number 1 will be 20 months old on the 1st January! She's adorable, stubborn, yells for England and now she's starting to climb the stairs too. It's not good Can't believe how old she is either, soon she'll be as old as DS was when he came home Everything up till now has been very new to me since I've never parented a baby, soon I might actually start to know what I'm doing when babysitting

Sorry, my every yearly update from here on out will be 'I can't believe how big they are now, it's not right!"

Speaking of babies, I looked back at my first update thread and last attempt to conceive at the very start of 2011, and in light of how this year has been, I'm honestly now pleased it didn't work, even though I was so sad at the time. Coping with a 1/2 year old alongside everything that's happened would have been extremely difficult. But I said a final good bye to a newborn baby a while ago now and I get so much happiness from caring for my grandbabies, it's okay, in a ever so slightly wistful way sometimes. I'm also very glad that a year ago I told myself then that I would wait several years before thinking about adoption again. It was on the cards then, but it isn't now for many months/several years, see how things go with my current two younger children.

This year's been made very hard by DD2's reunion with her birth mum, which has been very very difficult and had a big impact on our family. Mental health issues and emotional issues all reared their heads in a big way, and in June DD had to be admitted to hospital briefly. She is however doing well now on an increased dose of medication. She will be 18 in March which is unbelievable. I am going week by week with her, managing her behaviour and issues, trying to develop some of her skills so she can move slowly towards more independent living. Right now, she's doing okay at college which is great Also, she's managing more little tasks on her own than ever - baking, cleaning etc

DS is doing well at school! He loves his neices so much, and he loves "helping out" with them (!) as well as helping me out. I'm very proud of him and howw well he's dealt with DD's unsettling reunion. He did decide to cut off all the letters to his birth mum and that made him feel much more secure I think. My 'swar jar' actually worked and his language is so much better now. He's still an absolute high energy ball of joy

He says DD1 must have a boy next!!! He feels pretty outnumbered by girls now! Luckily he gets on very well with his brother-in-law though, it's fun watching them play around together

He has made some New Years Resolutions I haven't haha! However one of the resolutions is currently 'I want a new nephew this year', so I have to crush his hopes and tell him that that can't be one of his resolutions and it won't happen this year because 3 babies in 3 years is not DD1 and SIL's plan.

Sadly one of our Gerbils passed away and DS was ever so upset So now we have 2. I personally want to have another cat - it's been many years since my Carmen passed away and I miss being a crazy cat owner

hi lilka, is it ok for me to add an update even though we haven't adopted yet? Things are so different from this time last year.
December 20th proved that our last go at fertility treatment failed. We had said we were not going to try ivf and to be honest it was a huge relief when we said enough was enough.
I suffered a mild dose of anxiety and so we thought lets just make ourselves better and us again. We'd just lost track of what it was all for. .. wanting to be a family.
So from Feb onwards we lived again. We went on holidays, spent time doing things we enjoyed (together and apart) and I had counselling and came off my anti depressants.
By August we were ready. We phoned different la's,whittled out down to one and got accepted onto stage one in September. By November we were into stage two and got our panel date of January. And even though we haven't been to panel yet we got a phone call on Christmas Eve about a little one. We are now just waiting for lo's s worker to look at our par now and to go to panel.
cannot believe how our life has changed in 12 months. So hopeful for 2014.

Yes of course Beginning we (okay, me, but saying 'we' makes me sound less nosy) want to hear from everyone, no matter what stage they're at

That's so exciting sounds like 2014 is going to be a very big year for you!

Oh, I have just read my 2010 update.

I think I will just copy and post it here as not much has changed

Wow, Inthebeginning, that's a heck of a year. Here's hoping 2014 will bring even more changes - this will be your first child, I think?

Lilka, you are obviously all set to found a dynasty, a la Victoria . I do hope this year brings a bit of calm to the dd2/bm saga. dd is 18 this year, so we will have to face her bm which might be tough all round. She is a very nice person, but I think is still convinced that she will get dd "back" on her 18th birthday - dd wants nothing to do with it. She will leave school this year and wants to nurse - she will be a fantastic nurse if she gets into university, she is such a nice person.

Things are bumbling along with ds1. Every time I think it's better, we have a setback. But it's more one step forward 0.9 of a step back, whereas for years it was one step forward, a dozen steps back [sigh]

I still cling to the hope that he will, one day, grow up.

ds2 is 15, doing well on Ritalin, extraordinarily talented at sport, music, drama, poetry, maths and practically anything else you can think of. With the attention span of a flea . Half his teachers love him, the other half want to kill him. But he is happy in himself - the only one of my children who is truly happy-go-lucky. I envy him.

Me, I'm off the anti-d's [whoop] and back at college. With the intention of getting a job which will be a horrible shock to the system but will help a lot financially.

Maryz - (in homage to lilka) I can't beleive your DD is going to be 18 Surely she's about 13 still?!

I missed last years update because DS was really ill over Xmas and then we were away on holiday but I have enjoyed reading my previous updates.

Its interesting really to read that DS's "problems" are always the same but every year seem to get a little more under control for longer periods.

DS's security issues seem to be a little better every year and this year was no exception apart from a truly horrendous couple of months over the summer which has now settled down again.

He is turning into a truly lovely and entertaining young man and I think his birth family would be as proud of him as I am.

I know. I can't believe it either.

It sounds as though you have had a good year, Kew

Now that we are over the difficulties of the summer - which really don;t seem so bad with hindsight - yes we have had a nice year.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing [wise]

Oh, it's wonderful reading back at previous years' reports! Thanks for doing this, Lilka. And congratulations again on your lovely granddaughters.

Generally a good year here. dd2 has made a great transition to school (nursery year) and a new CM. She is still sharp as a tack, great social skills, hugely loving and funny and bright. She is learning her letters and numbers and seems to find it easy to make friends. Which is not to say I don't have worries: she is volatile and a bit slap happy (though thankfully not at school - yet). And she still sleeps with us. And a number of times I have wondered whether to post on here for advice, or continue seeing this within the normal continuum of 4yo behaviour that will eventually pass.

But I'm not going to worry today: it's Christmas, and we found a second hand Wii for the girls, and they've spent the week dancing the Rock Lobster together, so what's not to love.

dd1 is doing well too, and the loving bond between her and dd2 is wonderful to see. I adopted as a selfish act - I wanted another child, and I thought dd1 could tolerate it - but I got lucky and now I think that giving them both a sibling was a very great gift.

Best thing to report is that the neediest member of the household - the traumatised cat - has made great strides, with the help of Fellway plug-in feline sedative. She has stopped trembling with fear at the sight of oxygen, and though still timid and over-attached to me, she can often tolerate sitting within 8 feet of the children. Some nights she even sleeps on dd2's bed.

Devora - read by 2011 (I think) comments about co-sleeping with DS - I think he would have 6 then and I said if he was still doing it when he was eight then I'd consider getting some more professional help. Eight last month and he hasn't slept in my bed since March except for the occasional nightmare (about 3 times) - and no sign of regression even in strange houses/hotels etc.

[arf] at the cat update.

I too am pleased at the sibling relationships in my family. Whenever I worry that I've fucked it up I look at dd and ds2 and the strong bond they have with eachother, and the strength of their love for ds1, and I know that whatever about my parenting, I have given them something very valuable.

ds2 said to me once "do you realise that if you had got pregnant when you first got married ds1 and dd wouldn't even have met" - and they wouldn't. And ds2 wouldn't be here. And I wouldn't even know.

How's about that for a brain-melting thought

May I join? We adopted DD3 this year, and DS3 a few years ago. My sister is their birth mother. I have found Christmas so, so hard this year, but the DC are just wonderful together and that keeps me going.

How old are all yours now, Annun?

I've seen you around but I'm much too lazy to try to remember

There are so many of them even I have to think! 23, 21, 18, 18, 17, 15 and 9 months.

Jaysus, nine months

The rest I could cope with, but a baby ....

Ah, but one week of a teething 7 month old and they will all be sure they don't want their own

I dunno.

As I said above dd is very nice. And loves babies. And (being adopted) has a real sense of the importance of family. And is open about wanting kids one day

I wouldn't be at all surprised if she had a baby early [sigh]. She would be a good mother so I suppose we would cope - but I'm not telling her that.

Could be worse Maryz I have DD2 oogling over babies, and declaring that she wants a baby herself someetimes soon The grandbabies haven't changed her mind, and I really hoped the real baby poo and sick might!! DD really wouldn't be capable of being a mother

Great hearing everyone's updates

Devora, love hearing about your girls. Nothing more lovely to look at than two youngish siblings with a really close bond playing together. When did you finally get rid of the old CM and get the new one?

What a great thread.

So, I am reasonably new to this board (and new to motherhood).

Our year went something like this.

After 7 years of trying to have a family, 7 rounds of IVF, being rejected by one borough because we were "white", we finally got approved to adopt in February.

We wanted to adopt siblings (neither DH nor I have any birth children and we liked the idea of being able to keep siblings together), but we couldn't quite find the "right" siblings. Either we were rejected in favour of another couple or we just didn't "feel" anything, or one of the sibs had special needs that we didn't think we would cope with.

However, in August, we received the profile or a gorgeous little boy who had just turned 2. A few minor issues but nothing major. There was something in his cheeky smile that made us want to explore further. So we got his CPR and read it and were really keen. Thankfully, his SW was amazing and very organised and efficient and she came to see us pretty quickly and then everything moved quite swiftly and he has been living with us now for a month. And we fell in love with him almost immediately.

His speech and language is delayed (but his comprehension is good) and even in the few weeks he has been with us, he is doing puzzles that he couldn't do before (and wouldn't even attempt, because he would get frustrated) and has fallen in love with books (he had quite a strange, age inappropriate selection from FC) and is just a joy. He has lit up our lives immeasurably and we hope to formalise the adoption as soon as we can.

If i had any aims for 2014, it is to make him more sociable (he has a tendency to growl at other children), get him potty trained, increase his speech so that it is easier to communicate, educate his palate (he eats far too many yoghurts and no fruit or veg!).

Thank you community for being so welcoming to newbies. There are already so many stalwarts from this site who I am in awe of.

Happy New Year.

This time last year I didn't know DD existed, which seems unbelievable now! She has been with me for 8 months now and is a gorgeous, stubborn, funny and bright little girl. She's settled really well, but I'm still looking over my shoulder watching for issues that may never appear... (are you ever able to stop doing that?!)

I'm currently ignoring the fact that it's January tomorrow, as that means back to work...

Inthebeginning - how exciting!

Lilka - DD is the same age as your DGD1. Probably best they never meet as I think chaos would result!

Hels DS was with me from 1 yr and had speech and language delays all the way. He barely spoke at 30 months (at least not understandably) and HV agreed that he was on the spectrum for speech therapy. Improved a lot starting nursery at 3 but was still delayed starting school and 3 or his teachers agreed he needed to be assessed by a speech therapist. I eventually gave up and slowly worked on it myself (with some tips and worksheets from a friend Speech therapist).

He's now 8 and we're working on the last piece of the puzzle which is his S lisp and we're actually getting there on our own!

To give you an idea how much he's improved, he was chosen to read out his piece on his favorite time in school at a whole school assembly in front of the Mayor for the schools 10th anniversary in September.

Maiya - I didn't think DS had any issues either at the same age until it gradually dawned on me that some of the ways he reacted were down to an insecurity that I'm sure is adoption related. I just hadn't thought about it that way before.

I'm not sure whether it matters that you can or can't identify any adoption related issues as long as you are meeting their needs in an appropriate way.

DD has come on leaps and bounds this year. From barely putting two words together at her 2 year assessment, seven months later, she is chatting away in sentences - non stop!!

We finally overcame the potty training hurdle after 2 months of poo, wee and tears (the latter mine mainly). We are now instructed to wait outside while she goes to the toilet as she is a "big girl". She is funny, bossy, stubborn but such a sociable little girl and has made some good friends at nursery.

We went on our first holiday abroad, and have started ballet (if stomping around can be called ballet :))

She is best friends with Happiestdog, and they are often to be found chasing each other round the house. She was combing him the other day and I said to her that she might be annoying him. I got a sigh and withering look as she announced, "Muuuummmy.. Happiestdog loves me!"

I still worry about her attention and concentration issues. Her key worker occasionally seems to be tearing her hair out :) and we sometimes seem to be getting there, only for her to take a few steps back. I don't know how much is her being 2 1/2. She will sit still for an activity, but is easily distracted and has a habit of refusing to listen to anything which isn't what she wants to do .

Hi all, what a lovely idea for a thread. Like some of the other posters here, I am not yet a mum but 2013 saw the end of our ivf journey and us moving into the adoption journey. I was initially feeling a bit "bleurgh" about 2013 - the end of last year had seem me covered in shingles after losing my only successful embryo from ivf and just feeling rubbish and run down. Once we had some recovery space and time, and we had passed my "due date" my husband brought adoption back up as an option and we made contact with our local authority in June. Our SW is lovely and we clicked straight away and as a result I'm now excitedly anticipating our panel date at the end of February. Whilst the adoption process can be overwhelming, it has made me feel much more in control than the ivf process and I feel so excited at our steps towards creating our family. I look forward to seeing what 2014 brings us and re-reading this next year.
Happy New year all xxx