Mumsnet Talk

Okay I did this thread last year and I really want to do another this time around Sometimes (or lots of the time) adoption is vastly different to regular parenting, so we have our own 'how's your year been' thread. Because people on this thread 'get it'!

I want to hear from everyone - prospectives, approved adopters, people placed and waiting to finalize, and 'seasoned' (read -old like me!) adopters as well. How's 2011 been for you?

My year:

This time last year, I was about to TTC for the final time, trying for a fourth child. Now I've finally given up that route. I'm not really sure if I'll ever have another child now - sometimes going this adoption rollercoaster a fourth time seems a great idea, others it seems absolutely bloody insane I'll just see what happens in the next couple of years

However, I am still going to have a baby in my life anyway, because in May my first grandchild will be making his/her debut! And over christmas I found out exactly what the name shortlists are, and they are gorgeous names! (don't mind sharing them with the people here I "know").

And DD1 is happy. She can't wait to be a mum - although I think she's worried about her own ability to parent given what happened to her and her mental health dx. She hasn't said as much but she has a visible reaction when I drop into the conversation how good a mum I think she'll be. I really think she'll be a brilliant mum I wish she knew that as well. She has great relationships with all her brothers and sisters as well - including the sister who was underage and found on facebook and whos parents are still clueless (sigh). At least sister is 18 now. But they have had a great reunion, and are good friends, which has made DD so so happy

DD2 is definitely the challenging one! I never did end the lockdown I started in November so it lasted to christmas. I think that was the right thing to do for sure. She's a bit better now, she needs routine and structure like she needs oxygen!! Goes to pieces without it. Still I have seen her loving and generous side this year quite a lot, and school are very happy with her so fingers crossed for more home improvements!

DS has gone from strength to strength this year! Still clingy and a bit insecure, but that's how he's always been and I don't expect it to change really. He's funny, happy and basically a joy to parent His greatest wishes for 2012 are to become an uncle and get his own treehouse!!

What a great thread idea. Was not here last year, so have not read a previous thread.
Looking forward to reading other people's stories.
We have had a good year... Which is great to be able to say.
DD3 four years old started school and is settling in well, she is due to have 1to1 support for the afternoons in the New Year, which I think will help the whole class. Still waiting a diagnosis for her, but am not going to be fobbed off like I was with dd2.... Will go to London if we need to.
Older two are plodding along well, although the eldest (12) has decided we don't need to talk about adoption any more. Birth mum died earlier on this year, which I thought would be very difficult for them to handle, but they all seem to have taken it well.
Happy New Year to all.

What a nice thread, Lilka. It's very exciting to hear about your family developments and I would LOVE to hear baby names if you can bear to PM them to me!

This year has been good for our family, in the main. Back in January dd2 had only been with us a few months, and was very clingy and demanding. I felt overwhelmed much of the time, sometimes resentful of how little time I had with dd1, and guilty about my imminent return to work. Now I STILL feel guilty about being at work, but overwhelmingly relieved that, having been made redundant, I have now found a good job that should keep a roof over my daughters' heads for a while at least. I have completely fallen in love with dd2 - she honestly is the most lovable child I have ever met. I just adore her, really enjoy our closeness, and particularly love watching the affection between her and her sister. dd1 now says adopting dd2 was 'the best thing to ever happen to me' which makes me feel much better about what she has had to give up.

It's idyllic in many ways, but that doesn't overcome the kernel of fear in my heart - in fact, it makes it worse. Every time I read the adoptionuk boards there's a post warning that it's all easy in the early years, but huge problems erupt later. At the moment dd2 is sociable, charming and bright, showing no signs whatsoever of being affected by the drugs and alcohol she was bombarded with in utero, let alone attachment or post-traumatic problems. But there is a long way to go yet, I know, and my joy in her is tinged with apprehension. Of course, life being what it is, we'll probably find that my birth child develops enormous difficulties and dd2 won't...

Hester..... I was in a similar position to you a few years ago, we too where very worried about the long term affects of drugs and alcohol on dd3. She was very ill and in scbu when she was first born, so we knew she was affected.
We are now noticing the behavioural problems and concentration issues which are all par for the course. Fortunately school are very understanding. Let's hope it lasts.

Hi there folks!
I posted here a couple of times about the time we were matched. After that i pretty much avoided this section of Mumsnet. I'm not even really sure why but i do know i just found it all too overwhelming. I wish i hadn't have done that as i know you lovely people would have been here with support and encouragment but when that happens i tend to disspear into myself.

2011 has been the mother of all years for us!!!
DH was made redundant in Feb just before matching panel. The match went ahead, intros started mid march and our lovely little boy came home at the end of March.

A very difficult few months with pretty extreme behaviour, 7 colds, 2 bad bours of teething, 2 bouts of projectile vomiting, a febrile convulsion, 2 chest infections, a broken ankle and that's just DS.

Us? DH finally found a job and then it didn't work out, a burglary (house and cars), Mum in hospital for 3 weeks, flu, 2 sinus/chest infections, a broken nose (caused by the back of DSs head!), too many colds to mention and 2 bouts of gastroenteritis!!

The first few months were HARD. He was angry so at times the behaviour was difficult to manage - especially as at that point he still felt like a stranger. I also wasn't expecting the full range of emotions i felt. I wasn't expecting to grieve on behalf of birth Mum and i wasn't expecting the guilt at not feeling like i was doing the very best possible for him. I wasn't expecting to feel so scared of the future. I also felt like i had taken him away from amazing people (his foster carers) and that he had second best by being with us. It ate me up for a while. I ended up at the docs as my anxiety was causing me not to sleep and the sleep deprivation was causing more anxiety but after she gave me some mild tablets the balace is back and i feel pretty good all in all. I think it was the exhaustion that was messing with my head as i don't feel any of those things to the same degree now.

On the plus side, I have managed to get promoted (for when i go back to work in Feb) and have got some other exciting things going on with my hobby/business so there has been some good stuff. Also, and much more importantly the little man now seems to be settling beautifully, has had a ton of fun, met some lovely new people and found some little friends, has grown 3 inches and gained a kilo, had his 2nd birthday and has finally started saying a few words.
Best of all, we have now got to know and love the loveliest little boy ever. He's bright, lively, mischievous, funny, handsome, sweet and affectionate.

And, we have fallen in love hook line and sinker!!

Wow, it's great to read all these updates.

You should come here more often flossymuldoon - what you describe is very normal for the first year of an adoption (not the job issues, sorry about those, but the behaviour issues and the pure up-and-down-ness of it all).

As you may have seen from a couple of recent threads of mine, my life has changed imeasurably over the last year. We aren't in any out of the woods (ds still has huge issues, mostly drugs, but also educational, friendship, that type of thing). But I honestly think he is coming around and no longer blames me for all of it, so things are good.

Of course we are starting the rollercoaster now with dd, whose birth mother I have been in contact with recently. Her bm expects dd to be in touch on the morning of her 18th birthday, happy to have found her family, and I have had to break the news that it isn't me who has stopped photos and information being sent, it is dd who values her privacy and has no interest in meeting or knowing about her birth family. So that's something we may have to deal with more this year.

ds2 is now 13 and has the potential to either set the world on fire in a good way, or have it all go belly-up - we shall see.

Me, I have finally given in and started taking anti-depressants (which I should have done years ago ). That and counselling are really making a difference and I feel hopeful of the future for the first time in five years.

Thanks to all on here who have been so supportive. I literally couldn't have got through it without you all.

And my story should give all of you hope - we have survived probably the most extreme possible behaviour from an adopted child, we have come through it as a family, and I still will never regret adopting him . So there is hope for all!

Wow you have all travelled such long and difficult journeys and deserve a toast and a cheer to ' the moms who did not give up.' we started our adoption application 3.5 years ago. Big dramas, delays, confusion, tears and anger just to get to the stage where we were accepted by the courts overseas. We then met our DS in feb and we went and fetched him in June and brought him home. We expected problems with behaviour and bonding, issues with food and language etc and we have had non! We are so trully lucky to have a happy, cheerful,loving DS who loves dismantling things by bashing them, he loves people and loves hugs. And kisses and the most heart wrenching moment was when he said ' wuv u' and I fell complete and truly in love with my son. All the stress, pain and trauma are now irrelevant and if I could be assured of getting another child just like him i would in a second. We had his birthday and Christmas , done the family meeting thing, been rejected by some friends who disapproved of out adopting but on the whole it's been the best year of my life!

Ah Moomoomie, I was rather hoping you were going to say, odds are everything's peachy and your dd will be completely untouched by her experiences Have you ever known of a child born addicted who did NOT suffer problems later? [clutching at straws emoticon]

But Hester - I know children with happy parents, "perfect" families, with no drug/alcohol issues who have behavioural/educational SN. So it is a lottery having children.

Yes, adoption increases risk. But the vast majority of children grow up ok, even those who have very difficult starts in life.

You're right, Maryz, as usual. I know it's true. I've just had a honeymoon day with dd and can't bear the thought of it not always being like this. Which it won't be - even if adolescence is the worst thing we have to deal with.

Don't, for heaven's sake, let worry about your futures affect your life today .

I went through a patch of thinking dd would be like ds1. But she is the happiest, most contented, hard working loveliest child you could ever imagine.

Of course, me being me, I feel guilty that I have "taken" such a wonderful child away from her "real" family. And I'm trying to persuade her to get in touch with them at some stage.

I'm never happy . Why do I do it to myself FFS?

Sorry, but that made me laugh. You really have taken on, "A mother's place is in the wrong", haven't you?

Just remind yourself, a dozen times a day, that maybe, just maybe, your mothering had something to do with your dd being such a wonderful child. And in return I will remind myself that there is no point looking for any guarantees about the future: that she is our much-loved child and we will do whatever we can for her, whatever the future holds.

Maryz... You are so right, again!
Hester... Maybe we are looking for the signs that we were told may occur but it is no different to a birth child, it is a lottery. Thank goodness we don't have a crystal ball.
I would not change dd for the world with all her challenging behaviour she is such an inquisitive child who is so desperate to learn new things.
Who knows what is around the corner.

I'm the font of all knowledge here today, amn't I .

Fecking . I'm giving up on New Year's Day, so I'll be back to my miserable self.

I think Lilka has the most exciting year ahead though - imagine being a grandparent.

Though Kristina's daughter's wedding sounds like fun. I want to go to that wedding.

I think we all need to gate crash Kristina's daughters wedding. It sounds Fab. I haven't been to a decent wedding in years.
Shall we arrange a meet up in the room next door?

Also, I hope I am not a grandparent to soon..... Eldest dd is only 12!

I just said to dh yesterday that for New Years Eve 2009, 2010 and 2011, we've had a toast together and said 'This will be our year'. Well this WAS our year and it was the hardest year of all but it's ended with us bringing home our gorgeous little girl.

Last February, I really wanted to give up on adoption and dh had to persuade me to keep going. I said I'd keep going til June 30th - the day I get my summer holidays. When did we find out we would be allowed to adopt dd? June 30th! I look at her now and it scares me that I wanted to get off the adoption bus and if dh hadn't dragged me on, we wouldn't have her.

I read all the posts here and I too worry for the future of our little girl but as dh reminds me, I worried about ds too when he was young. So my New Year's resolution will be to live in the now as much as I can. We're bringing dd to a doctor who specialises in internationally adopted children and once he's looked at her, I'm giving up on worrying.

Happy New Year to all, this is a fantastic board with no-nonsense but caring people who give sound advice.

Awww. Happy. I remember wanting to get of the bus, so many times too. So very glad we didn't.
I remember being it tears whilst decorating for Christmas, saying to DH next year we will be decorating with children.
I am so very happy for you and your family. Your thread has been so positive, hopefully those contemplating adoption will read it and be inspired.
As I said before, I am more than happy to print your thread for you and send it on.

I also want to gatecrash Kristina's DD's wedding Moomoomie - I hope you don't become a Grandma yet either! I have a horrid fear that DD2 is going to see her new niece and say "I want one too"

Niece or Nephew - is it that obvious which one I'm angling after??

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Woo Hoo. A new year is here.
Although dd2 asked last night if the world was going to end in 2012 or 2013. I said I hoped not 2012 as I had a fridge full of food that needed eating!!

late to this party as I had computer issues for a while.

In many ways 2011 was a bit of a non-year for us - in a good way I hasten to add.

DS completed his reception year happily and his anger/frustration issues in school subsided. He started year 1 quite happily which I thought might be a problem but he's finding his feet and started playing with the boys a bit more.

I continues to have what I am sure is separation anxiety particularly at night and is totally unable to stay in his bed. He goes to bed quite well falls asleep on his own but always wakes about 3-4 hours later and gets in with me (if I am in bed) or just cries and cries if I am not. I have wavered between trying to find a way to keep him in his bed or just going with it in the hopes he will grow out of it.

Its a small problem in the grand scheme of things so I think we can count 2011 as a successful year!

Happy New Year!

Though I had killed the thread, so good to hear from you Kew.
All my 3 have had separation anxiety, especially at night. TBH we went down the easy road of letting them come in with us.
The older two both grew out of it around five or six years old. DD3 who is four, still regularly comes into our bed at some point during the night, but not as often.
She looks so sweet coming across the landing with her pillow and teddy, she often tries to bring her duvet too.