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Original poster

If a friend asked you to be a surrogate for her?

128 replies

LovingTheRain · 10/05/2009 17:06

What would you do?

OP posts:
QOD · 10/05/2009 18:55

Tsarchasm, thats why, if you join somewhere like COTS &or I am sure Surrogacy UK awould be similar, they recommend the child is told and some form of at least limited contact (photos etc) continue,
But you are missing the point of surrogacy. The child doesnt end up with "adopted parents". At least 1, if not BOTH of the "adopted parents" are the BIOLOGICAL parent of the baby.
The policitcaly correct term btw is Intended parents (IP) or intended mother etc.
My surro was a suprise guest at my 40th this weekend, she lives 4 hrs away and I never thought she would come to my garden party - was thrilled she did, she slept over and had a champagne brekkie with us too, but a couple of my friends were a bit horrified LMAO
YOu just don't "get" it if you haven't been "there" - she did it for me for nothing, for friendship and I totally agree with all the other comments, you should never be ASKED, she offered and we eventually (yes really!) accepted!
I think host surrocacy (wheres its the IP's eggs & sperm) should be much "easier" to accept & deal with, but I really struggle with straight (where its the surros babe) - people must be so strong to do that (I struggle and my dd was straight!!)

TsarChasm · 10/05/2009 18:59

The other thing to consider there is that even if you think all would be well now, worst case scenario, the couple split and find new partners who aren't so ok perhaps.

I just know I'd agonise all the time about the child. Because in my heart it would be mine and here because I'd brought it here.

Springfleurs · 10/05/2009 18:59

My sister had cervical cancer in her mid twenties and had to have a full hysterectomy.

I think I could do it for her but could only do it if the child was not biologically connected to me in any way.

Northernlurker · 10/05/2009 18:59

Say no I'm afraid. Pregnancy was just too big a deal for me too be something I could go through and then hand over the child - I'm just not made that way. the only circumstances i would consider that would be for my daughters - but that's a very different question I think.

Paolosgirl · 10/05/2009 19:01

I might be able to do this for my daughter, but no-one else - I just couldn't carry a baby and then hand it over. I could donate my eggs to a relative or close friend though.

Geepers · 10/05/2009 19:03

As QOD says, the children won't ever turn up on my doorstep because they will always have known who I am, and how they came into the world. They are told from very early on that mummy's tummy was broken so they came from me.

As for differences in parenting, I view it he same as I do with my nieces and nephews. I may not agree with some things, but if it isn't abuse then I keep my opinions to myself.

My first couple do things very differently than I would, but they are amazing parents and tell me all the time how much they love being a family. I have no doubt my present couple will fel the same.

nikki1978 · 10/05/2009 19:06

I have offered to do this for my friend who has lost 3 babies so far at 20 weeks each time. She is trying for the final time this summer with help from various consultants etc. If it doesn't happen I will do it if she wants to. I will only do a host surrogacy where it is their bun and I am just the oven.

It will be hard I am sure but I they are so desperate for a child and have suffered such terrible losses and if I can help them then I will. My family is complete anyway.

I have a feeling it will never happen as her DH is not pro surrogacy so they will probably adopt.

mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 19:15

I like to think that I would but I hate being pregnanct and the only thing that makes it worthwhile is the fact that I get a baby at the end of it.
Im not sure I could go through giving a baby away.
Im also bitter and selfish and if we fell out I'd want it back

But I admire those women who can. I might be able to do it for someone very special

ElenorRigby · 10/05/2009 19:20

I have talked to my sister who has been trying for a baby for years (miscarriages/IVF-NHS/IVF-abroad) about the possiblity of my carrying a baby for her and her DH.
She's still considering it...I think.
She finds hard to talk about what shes been through I think maybe she will try another cycle, I dunno.
It makes me so upset for my sis, she would be a great mum.

milkysallgone · 10/05/2009 19:23

It's weird because dh and I were just randomly discussing this the other day. I feel that surrogacy is something I would consider (not with my own eggs though). I actually love being pregnant and think it would be an amazing thing to do for a couple.

Dh isn't so keen though...

brimfull · 10/05/2009 19:26

My wonderful friend offered to be a surrogate for us.

I was so overwhelmed at her generosity.

We were all set to say yes when I got pregnant after yrs of trying.

Ewe · 10/05/2009 19:33

I think I would probably do it (although, I would quite like some payment in the form of a bit of cosmetic surgery afterwards [blsuh]) I am young, healthy, LOVED being pregnant and found it quite easy, was able to work until 39 weeks. I am not planning on having anymore children for a Very Long Time so think it would be ok health wise.

For any of my sisters I wouldn't even have to think twice.

I think I would be more comfortable with it if the baby was genetically not mine though. Geepers, I think what you are doing is amazing!

QOD · 10/05/2009 19:45

Tsar - my surro said the way she viewed it was that my dd is my husbands, and she gave her bit of her to ME, so she is jointly ours and nothing to do with her. She didnt and doesnt want to have anymore children but got pregnant v v easily.
Geepers you rock :O

MrsMattie · 10/05/2009 19:46

No way. Before I had my kids, I would have said I'd do it for my sister, but after two ropey pregnancies and two c-sections, I don't think I'd do it even for her.

BeehiveBaby · 10/05/2009 19:48

I am 'down reg-ing' at the moment in order to receive my sister and BIL's embryo in early June but I offered! I think even if you go through an agency you wait for an offer.

Also I susect your SIL might be a little mortified that a family member suggested that she jump straight to surrogacy IYSWIM. I think most would like to exhaust attempts to carry their own child, given the choice!

NormaSknockers · 10/05/2009 19:49

Prior to having my DC I had thought about & I have been asked I probably would have considered it.

But now - I just know I couldn't

I struggled in both my pregnancies, threw up for the whole 9 months etc but that aside I just couldn't hand the baby over, especially if it were using my eggs

spicemonster · 10/05/2009 20:00

I would have done it for my sister if a) I were younger and b) I hadn't had such a dreadful pregnancy. Oh and c) that I'd had more than one child.

But it's all entirely theoretical as none of those conditions will be met.

I don't think I could do it for a friend.

warthog · 10/05/2009 20:04

if it were not my egg - yes.

if it were my egg - NO WAY!

iwouldgoouttonight · 10/05/2009 20:12

I've thought about this - DP's brother had treatment for cancer so they can't conceive naturally and they've been through IVF to try for a baby but not succeeded. I have been so lucky to have two very easy pregnancies and births and definitely don't want any more children.

I don't think DP's brother or his wife would ever dream of asking me but me and DP talked about it once. I said if I'd had two boys I'd have found it difficult if the child I carried for them was a girl, but as we have a girl and a boy I wonder whether I could do it. With both my children I haven't felt an immediate bond with them until a few weeks so maybe I wouldn't find it so hard to hand one over. But you obviously never know till it happens and it could be unbearable.

They would make wonderful parents, but it is such a difficult decision to make - I'm not even sure they'd want me to if I offered. Also I may be too old now.

BananaFruitBat · 10/05/2009 20:20

I want to be a surrogate mother - for my brother and his wife. Their 4th IVF has just failed.
Having had fetility treatment myself, I know what it's like to be desperate for a baby and I would love to help out.
Sadly DH says no.

angrypixie · 10/05/2009 20:22

Am considering offering this for a friend, who has had multiple miscarriages. My family is complete and it will genetically be entirely their baby. Couldn't do it with my eggs. My husband is worried though as I had 1 severe bout of PNI following dd2

trixymalixy · 10/05/2009 20:24

I would for my sister.

thatsnotmymonster · 10/05/2009 20:28

I could if it wasn't my egg. I have thought about this for friends who have not managed to concieve in 10 yrs and have had failed IVF. However, I'm not sure it would work seeing as IVF failed and they have never managed to concieve at all (i.e. no miscarriages etc).

I have had 3 children and my pregnancies and births are ok. I never felt a huge attachment during pregnancy or immediately after birth so think it would be pretty easy to hand the baby over, after all, it wouldn't be mine and it would be the best thing ever for the couple.

If the baby was part mine I could never ever give it away.

Wendy1983 · 10/05/2009 20:32

I would do it for my best friend or my sister, but only if it was their bun and just my oven.

orangehead · 10/05/2009 20:40

It is something I would like to be able to do, but know emotionally I couldnt. Also would not be the best person due to history of mcs and complicated births