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Original poster

If a friend asked you to be a surrogate for her?

128 replies

LovingTheRain · 10/05/2009 17:06

What would you do?

OP posts:
Mistiek · 12/05/2009 10:18

Hi... I had a frined who had cancer and lost the ability to have children. Before she had the treatment her and her then partner decided to get some fertilized eggs frozen.

I have always said to my DH that if they were still together and needed a serogate I would do it.

I think that if any part of the baby was biologically mine I would battle to give it up but if it is just my womb being used and the egg and sperm were not mine then I think I could do it.

After all.... the gift of children is so amazing and the thought of giving somone the opportunity to have such a special blessing is amazing in itself...

meltedmarsbars · 12/05/2009 10:32

I'm surprised so many posters would carry a surrogate with a donated egg but not their own egg. To me, the bundle of cells that is the original egg is just that - a bundle of cells.

I think that once the baby is born, then the real parenting bit begins, and that would be with the adoptive parents.

I have friends that a few years ago I might have offered to help, but then I had an sn child so I couldn't consider it. They are (ironic, this) too old to adopt in this country because they spent so much time trying IV.

So they still have no children and would have made wonderful parents.

wannaBe · 12/05/2009 10:35

Surrogacy is a very personal thing. I personally think that surrogacy where the child is biologically the surrogate's is wrong. And of course it's like an adoption.

Surrogacy is as yet a fairly new thing, therefore the impact on the children themselves is as yet unknown. But I find it hard to believe that there would be no issues with the children at all..

mamadiva · 12/05/2009 10:41

I don't actually know because not sure I could cope giving the baby away. It's easy to say well it was'nt my eggs so my womb was being used and nothing more but I doubt you would actually feel that way, I admire people who can though because what better gift could you give?!

I could easily donate eggs as it does'nt mean anything to me really and now I want to go do that actually LOL.

charliegal · 12/05/2009 16:54

kewcumber-I am very interested in your view re The Primal Wound.

I recognise the book is an opinion, a lot of it rang true to my experience of adoption (3 siblings).

I actually found the book depressing as my son was conceived using a sperm donor. I had a moment of wondering if I had done a terrible thing.

QOD · 12/05/2009 19:44

Tree - wonderful sentiment!

alphamummy · 12/05/2009 20:00

How much does it cost to go through the process? with other persons egg and sperm.

geepers do you feel any different this time?

NotmyELFtoday · 12/05/2009 20:07

For me, I think that I would struggle to be an egg donor (unless to family iyswim) over being a surrogate, as being a surrogate means that you may know the child, esp if being a surrogage for a close family member.
I dont think I would be comfortable knowing that there is a child genetically related to me who may turn up and knock on the door one day.

dreamylady · 12/05/2009 20:54

charliegal I feel at how you felt after reading the book - I hope you don't still feel that way - you are obviously really thoughtful about parenting, which was presumably why you read the book in the first place! So if any of the issues suggested in the book do arise (and they may well not), you are now probably informed enough to be able to recognise them and hopefully to help your son handle them. I seem to remember the biggest problem adoptees had was the denial of there being an issue and the assumption that adoption at birth meant there wouldn't be any. Your son is very unlikely to wish he'd never been born, however it happened!! (apart from his teenage emo phase but that happens to the best of them so I'm told . looking forward to that with our little 'un )

There are so many mysteries about perinatal development of children's brains, I find it really fascinating in the light of my own experiences. They have shaped me in ways I can guess at but will never know for sure and although there are things i think I would change about my early years (wouldn't many people if they could?) it's impossible to predict how they in turn might have changed me, maybe I'd have been happier but less thoughtful, or maybe gone off the rails altogether, or who knows what.

I think all this stuff comes under the category of 'we need to know more about it', to catch up with ourselves and the amazing strides we've made in medical science and to make sure children with unconventional origins are understood and in turn have understanding of what it means for them.

QOD · 12/05/2009 22:08

IVF with a surrogate is dearer than straightforward IVF as you have to pay the surrogates travel & childcare expenses etc, then whatever expenses are agreed too at the end.
Straight surrogacy costs from nil LOL

Geepers · 13/05/2009 07:10

Alphamummy I don't think I feel any different this time, except msybe this time I am allowing myself to care for the baby a bit more. Last time, I had in the back of my mind that it would all be over after the birth, but now I realise that isn't the case at all. We have maintained a fantastic relationship, I see the babies regularly, I hear about first teeth, first crawling, first night in their own room etc and feel very honoured to have played such an important role in bringing them into the world.

BonsoirAnna · 13/05/2009 07:16

I think you have to like being pregnant to want to be a surrigate mother. I hated being pregnant - so no!

Kewcumber · 13/05/2009 10:00

Charliegirl - I'm not sure my view has any more weight than Nancy Verriers tbh, they are both theories based on personal experience.

In my opinion some people are alwyas going to feel traumatised to some degree by an adoption/egg/sperm donation/surrogacy because its in their nature.

I think all children with unusual starts in life can be enormously helped by their paretns to learn to deal with their early journey to who they are.

Personally I think complete open-ness (age appropriate ie no lies at any age but less detial/simpler explanation when younger) is the key and an acceptance that the child may feel it is an issue and want to spend more time exploring it either with you or someone else.

The donor conception network have some good materials to help you develop a life book which will help you explain your sons situation to him.

We have adoption in our family and I know my Aunt (who was adopted) absolutely does not agree with the primal wound theory, however she knows her birth mother and has had a degree of contact with her for years. My DS however has a big black hole around his birth which we will never be able to fill and it may well lead him to feel more of a loss than my Aunt does. I can't change that, I can only give him as much support as possible in becoming comfortable with who his is and what made him.

Kewcumber · 13/05/2009 10:00

Charliegirl - I'm not sure my view has any more weight than Nancy Verriers tbh, they are both theories based on personal experience.

In my opinion some people are alwyas going to feel traumatised to some degree by an adoption/egg/sperm donation/surrogacy because its in their nature.

I think all children with unusual starts in life can be enormously helped by their paretns to learn to deal with their early journey to who they are.

Personally I think complete open-ness (age appropriate ie no lies at any age but less detial/simpler explanation when younger) is the key and an acceptance that the child may feel it is an issue and want to spend more time exploring it either with you or someone else.

The donor conception network have some good materials to help you develop a life book which will help you explain your sons situation to him.

We have adoption in our family and I know my Aunt (who was adopted) absolutely does not agree with the primal wound theory, however she knows her birth mother and has had a degree of contact with her for years. My DS however has a big black hole around his birth which we will never be able to fill and it may well lead him to feel more of a loss than my Aunt does. I can't change that, I can only give him as much support as possible in becoming comfortable with who his is and what made him.

Kewcumber · 13/05/2009 10:01

for charliegirl

treedelivery · 13/05/2009 12:04

Kewcumber - Thank you for that link. I will look at it all to better understand how to play out my card as the donor in the best possible way for the child, mum and dad. I'll also tell the woman I am helping about it too.

mumoverseas · 13/05/2009 14:18

elliepac, I hope that your sister recovers quickly from her operation and manages to achieve her dream of a household of kids somehow. Hugs to her.

geepers, I think what you've done is fantastic. What a fabulously unselfish thing to do.

I have done egg donation twice now, many years ago, I'm far too old now as I'm an old hag of 41 and apparently after 34 they don't want your eggs. Shame as my DS who is 3 months old is perfect so my eggs can't be that bad

The first donation was around 10 years ago and I don't know what the outcome was as totally anonymous. The second donation was around 9 years ago when I responded to an advert in my local post office for an egg donor for a later who had no eggs of her own. Although originally I was donating direct to the hospital 'pool' and she would then move to the top of the list for the next eggs dontated, very few people were donating so I ended up donating to her. Although we never met we spoke reguarly on the phone and I will never forgot the day around 2 weeks after the proceedure when the phone rang and when I answered she was crying down the phone as she was pregnant. She had a gorgeous little boy who will be 8 next month.
She sent me photos for the first year but we've had no contact since then. Its funny looking at the photos as I do often as he looks so much like my DC (I've since had 2 more even though I swore blind I didn't want any more kids) I don't however in anyway feel that he is part of me.

Turning to surregacy, if I wasn't so old and didn't have such horrendous pregnancies I would consider it but funnily enough, I think I'd feel a bit funny about using my eggs and would prefer to use donor eggs. Can't explain why that is though as obviously I've given my eggs away before.

Olifin · 13/05/2009 16:46

I couldn't do this, whether the child were biologically mine or not. I also wouldn't donate my eggs. I'd love to be able to help someone in this way but it's not something I could contemplate.

What interests me is those that say they'd do it for their daughter. Now, if this was straight surrogacy, this would make the offspring biologically a half-sister to the intended mother, wouldn't it? Or am I just hopelessly confused?!

Mumcentreplus · 13/05/2009 17:00

Hell No...

Olifin · 13/05/2009 17:28

"I'm surprised so many posters would carry a surrogate with a donated egg but not their own egg. To me, the bundle of cells that is the original egg is just that - a bundle of cells."

See, meltedmarsbars, I can totally understand this (though I wouldn't do either myself). An egg may be just a bunch of cells but, for me, the fact that it contains my DNA would make it a no-no for me. I couldn't get my head around the idea of an unknown person walking around in the world with half of my DNA!

rhiane · 13/05/2009 17:46

Yes I would definitely consider it, I had 2 children late in life after many years of trying and had it not been for a wonderful lady who donated her eggs to me I would still be childless.
I loved being pregnant and had 2 relatively trouble free pregnancies (at 44 & 47) even at 50 I would love to be pregnant again and honestly don't think I'd have a problem handing the baby to it's parents at birth, I know how it feels to be desperate for a baby and really feel for anyone in that situation especially those who's only option is DE or cannot carry themselves.

XX

charliegal · 13/05/2009 18:03

dreamylady-thank you for your kind words.
Kewcumber- thanks for the information. I am a member of the Donor Conception Network and have been on their 'Talking and Telling' workshops.
It was just that the outlook in 'The Primal Wound' was so bleak, that it did knock my confidence a lot.

loobyboo · 13/05/2009 20:16

one of my friends asked me back in 2007 if i would consider being a Host surrogate for her, she has eggs, but no womb to carry in.

i was completely taken back by this, i was shocked that she had asked me & my DH. it didn't take much thinking on my part to do this as it was something i had considered in the past.

To cut a long story short, we were about to start treatment in apr 08, but it was stopped in its tracks by the results of my blood tests that the fertilty clinc sent me for, due to having DVT after the birth of my dd2, they found that i had a genetic blood clotting disorder factor V leiden. (didn't find this out at the time of my DVT it was nearly 3yrs on)

I was absolutely gutted for my friends as our friendship had grew in that time, we did ask for second opinions, but there main concern was for my health, our friends made the hard desision to not use me, i was glad that they made it and not me because i just wanted to help them have a family that they are so desparate and deserve to have.

I was told back in my late teens that i had a low chance of conceiving naturally, but thankfully two lovely dds come along in the end and i just wanted my friends to feel what we do with our family. They are now embarking on it with someone else. wishing them all the luck in the world.

littlemissm · 14/05/2009 11:56

I could as long as the child wasnt genetically mine. I would feel as if i'm handing over my own baby if i used my own eggs.

MrsMerryHenry · 14/05/2009 15:05

If becoming a surrogate involved sleeping with Thierry Henry...well I might consider it, as an act of altruism.

Seriously, though, I couldn't carry someone else's baby but would happily donate my eggs. I did consider this after my first two pregnancies, once I realised how easily I could conceive, but then discovered that I'm about 10 years too old.