Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If a friend asked you to be a surrogate for her?

128 replies

LovingTheRain · 10/05/2009 17:06

What would you do?

OP posts:
warthog · 10/05/2009 20:43

i offered to do this for my sil and she has refused.

before you offer something like this you have to consider a lot of things. what is the exact problem they're having - do they need your egg? if you use her egg, you have to get involved in all the ivf-type drugs i'd have thought.

pasturesnew · 10/05/2009 20:46

I have thought about this and would for my sisters-in-law belonging to my brothers but don't think I could for my SIL who is DH's sister, partly because I love my brothers more but more I think because I trust my bros would parent like my lovely dad and SIL's other half is a bit overly strict for my taste with his 2 children from a previous relationship (although they are both delightful so maybe he's right!) ... it's a complicated minefield but agree with other posts that I would want to maintain contact and complete trust. I think I would also want to be guardian if something happened to their parents, which DH and I effectively are with any of our child's cousins anyway.

Apart from the long-term issues I feel it's a lot to put your body through, DH is happy for me to be sick and tired and hormonal during our pregnancies but I don't know how supportive he could be if it was a pregnancy for someone else. I don't know how you'd tell your employer, either, if applicable.

Hope things work out well for your SIL, Lovingtherain.

Well done the people on here who are surrogates, you are very brave!

dreamylady · 10/05/2009 20:55

What research is there into how surrogate children feel? Even if not conceived using the surrogate's eggs, the baby spends 9 months growing in their womb, towards the birth being aware of their voice and their heartbeat - so it is a kind of semi adoption surely when they're handed over to new parents at birth? If people are concerned about their own reaction at handing over a baby they've 'grown', what do we know about how a newborn might be affected?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm genuinely interested in this - as I'm a parent to a 4 year old who's first mum died while she was too young to have memories of her - but she has been hugely affected by this loss, although her dad has always been around.

I read a book a year or two ago about the effects of loss of birth mother and adoption which may have coloured my views excessively so am very open to being shown a different side...

BUT until I was persuaded differently (and i say this not having given birth to any children myself) I would not want to choose surrogacy never mind offer it, although it seems a very loving thing to for family members or very close friends.

elliepac · 10/05/2009 21:10

Tomorrow my sister is having a full hysterectomy after having been diagnosed with cancer of the womb. She is 30 and has no kids yet but is happily married and all she ever wanted was to have a house full of children. It breaks my heart. Surrogacy has been mentioned as a possibility by the medics but she hasn't actually mentioned it to me. I love her so much but despite being relatively confident that my family is complete and generally being a 'happy' pregnant woman, I really don't think I could give away a child I had carried especially seeing as it would be mine genetically. The bond would be too strong. Maybe I'll change my mind, I don't know. I really wish my mind was more open to it.

GlastonburyGoddess · 10/05/2009 21:19

yes I think I could do it and have seriously considered it, but came to the conclusion I couldnt do it until(if) I have a girl(I have two boys atm)But I am quite sure that I will do it at some point.

Buda · 10/05/2009 21:29

I think anyone who does it is amazing. Geepers - you are fantastic.

I have one DS who is an IVF baby conceived when I was 36. I am now 45 (well I will be on Friday!) and I would love another. Am perimenopausal though so i can;t have one myself. Am currently wondering about egg donation/surrogacy. Egg donation is illegal here in Budapest but I have read a few articles this week about egg donation and surrogacy and am contemplating trying one or the other in Spain or Russia. Haven't talked about it with DH yet though.

jemart · 10/05/2009 21:35

For a friend, no way, would possibly do it for a my sister but even then I think I'd find it really hard to give up the baby.

Olihan · 10/05/2009 21:36

I would do it in a heartbeat.

My family is complete, I have very easy pgs and births and I would love to give someone the chance to experience what I have with my dcs.

I think I'd rather do it with my egg because the side effects of down-regging, etc would scare me, plus I couldn't inject myself and dh wouldn't be able to do it, he's too squeamish. I know I don't want any more babies for me but I would love to be pg again.

I'm not sure if I could do it for a complete stranger but I would do it for friends/family member.

I don't think dh is as keen because of the pg mood swings etc but I think I could probably persuade him.

Lulumama · 10/05/2009 21:43

i have one , possibly two friends that i would do it for. friends who i am v v close to . and my sister and SIL to be. could not do it for a random person. friend has mentioned it to me in half seriousness on a few occasions. my DH is very anti surrogacy though.

diedandgonetodevon · 10/05/2009 21:50

I'm in awe of ladies who are strong enough to do it. I don't think i would be able to give the baby to it's parents and keep my mental health. Also I had a difficult pregnancy and ems c-section so I'm not very good at it either!!

SmilingEi · 10/05/2009 22:01

me and my sister had dicussed this issue and we both agreed to do it for eachother if needed, i have since had my DD and i know without a doubt that i would do it for my sister if it ever became apparant that she was unable to carry her own babies. i would never want her to miss out on the amazing experience that motherhood gives you.

of course there is the issue of feelings at the birth etc but i know that those feelings would lessen over time and my sister would be a mum forever, i would just be the vehicle that delivered the baby

i think that anybody able to do this who have are just amazing!!

this info may be irrelevant for me anyway seeing as how i have my own fertility issues now and also some health problems too but if i was able i would do it in a heartbeat
xx ei xx

caramelwaffle · 11/05/2009 00:01

Have only read Origianl question.

In answer: No. I would not.

caramelwaffle · 11/05/2009 00:03

*original

Quattrocento · 11/05/2009 00:08

It's not something I would do - haven't got time for one thing - would never give a child up for another - and can't imagine anyone who knows me asking ....

Tortington · 11/05/2009 00:09

say no

ZacharyQuack · 11/05/2009 00:30

I would do it for my sisters, and use my own eggs if needed. I had very easy pregnancies and deliveries. I don't think I could do it for anyone "outside the family" as I would find it hard not feeling a familial connection to any child I helped bring into the world.

For those who have been or are currently being a surrogate - you are amazing women.

SparklingSarah · 11/05/2009 09:54

It'd be hard but I think yes.

I have been thinking about surrogacy for a long time I'd happily use my own eggs as well.

The only thing that bothers me is that I would need to at least birth the way I have done for my own un intervened and at home for the IP's I think this may be hard.
Each delivery has been so quick that I've barely had time for a midwife let alone "others"

If I found people who weren't too panicky and happy to let me do my own thing but stay close then I'd give it serious thought.

Overmydeadbody · 11/05/2009 10:01

As long as it wasn't my egg I think I would say yes. I wouldn't like to think there was a child out there that ws biologically mine that someone else was bringing up though, unless it was one of my sisters, in which case I may consider it.

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 10:04

most of my friends have children so its never really soemthing i have thought about. if my sister asked i would agree.

I would glady offer my eggs so long as i didn't know who the recipiant was. i would be happy for them to have my details for teh child in years to come but i wouldn't want to see teh child growing up knowing that biologically at least, it would be partly my child.

ronshar · 11/05/2009 10:32

I would do it in a heartbeat. Especially if for one of my sisters.

Blottedcopybook · 11/05/2009 11:11

I honestly think it would kill me, literally. I don't do well with pregnancy at all and the fiscal and emotional effects on my family would be too costly.

belladonna79 · 11/05/2009 11:45

For my sisters, yes, I'd be happy to donate eggs, carry theirs or use my eggs, my womb and their husband's sperm. For anyone else, I'm not sure, maybe a couple of my best friends or a couple of my cousins.

I'm 29 and have had 5 wonderful preganancies, I'm happy with 5 and am off the view that if it happens again in ten years, lovely, if not ah well.

My dad has donated sperm to his brother, they're identical triplet brothers and both donated sperm so we don't know whose the child is IYSWIM, any of them could have fertilised the egg so that does make it easier. And the fact that bbeing identical, genetically they'd be this close to the child anyway.

charliegal · 11/05/2009 12:03

dreamylady- I wonder if you book you read was 'The Primal Wound'?
I have just finished it and it changed my mind on this subject too.

CMOTdibbler · 11/05/2009 12:38

If it wasn't that I had multiple miscarriages and a prem birth, I would def do it

LovelyRitaMeterMaid · 11/05/2009 12:42

Haven't read thread yet but I think I could do it if it were for my sister. But I would have to think very very hard about it.