Page 4 | If a friend asked you to be a surrogate for her?

4andnotout · 11/05/2009 12:50

I couldn't do it, i just couldnt handle handing the baby over and going home.

WowOoo · 11/05/2009 12:53

I could not do this either.

Luckily, no one has ever asked and don't think they would.

Debs75 · 11/05/2009 15:12

Geepers you are very brave to have done this and also very selfless. I would love to be able to do this for someone close to me, don't think I could be 'on hire' to someone I didn't have a connection with.
I love being pregnant and have reasonably easy pregnancies and had 3 good births.
I think emotionally is where I would struggle. After all 3 births I have felt empty, physically and emotionally and I think not bringing the baby home with me would be toturous. Saying that if either of my daughters asked then I would in a shot.

I'm sure if you are someone planning surrogacy then you have thought of all the issues being discussed. I think it is a very personal thing and very different for each person.

claireybee · 11/05/2009 15:17

I really don't think I could. I would love to be that selfless but I really don't think I could carry a baby for 9 months knowing that I had to hand it over once it was born. Maybe if I felt my own family was complete it might be different (Like Tabitha I want more dc, dh doesn't) but tbh I'm not sure that even then I'd be able to.

I am full of admiration for people that can do it though.

Kewcumber · 11/05/2009 15:34

charliegal - just something for you to think about - The Primal Wound is an opinion not a fact. Many people who were adopted would (and do) disagree that they have a "primal wound which cannot be healed". Though I know some would strongly agree.

It seems to me that the degree to which adopted children beleive in the primal wound theory seems to depend on the personality of the child and the adoptive family.

Bramshott · 11/05/2009 15:42

Personally I wouldn't / couldn't becuase I have health issues which means pregnancy is a risk for me.

If it weren't for that, I would like to think that maybe emotionally I could, for a very close friend . . . I think it's a lovely thing to do if you can.

PurlyQueen · 11/05/2009 15:50

There's no way I would be a surrogate for anyone, including my sister (whom I love dearly).

I could not go through pregnancy and childbirth only to hand the baby over afterwards.

I could never donate my eggs. As far as I'm concerned, it's my egg, my child - no matter whose womb it's implanted into.

glisteninthesun · 11/05/2009 16:44

I was talking about this subject with some friends last night. They both said that they couldn't do it. But I feel differently. I would love to give someone the chance to have there own child. I have a 17 month old little boy and and baby due in October, and I feel blessed every moment of the day. I don't think I would be able to donate my own eggs but I would certainly carry a baby for a friend or relative who couldn't.

QOD · 11/05/2009 17:15

wow Belladonna! Identical triplets? How excellent is that, they are equally related to the child genetically!

Dreamylady, there has been some research into this, from one side of it, the IM's (intended mothers) and how they perform as mothers, and they apparently make very good mothers...

Not sure about from the childs point. For us, my dd would have known my voice at least as well as any baby would know its fathers, as I saw her everyday, and especially toward the end, spent a lot of time with her.
ALso, after the birth, we kept our distance for 6 weeks, therefore when dd "met" her birth mother, she had no inkling as to who she was, infact she cried LOL as she didn't like strangers holding her, and of course had bonded with me within, realistically and honestly, a week.
Looking back I think I held back for a few days, I was swamped with visitors and let everyone hold her for hours, I think i was scared to let myself go as it where.
But as I say, within and less that a week, she would stop crying at the sound of my voice and turn to me when someone else held her.

NotmyELFtoday · 11/05/2009 19:02

My older sister is currently undergoing fertility tests. My younger sister has PCOS. My best friend, more than likely, will have issues getting pregnant (for reasons I wont go into). If any of them asked me to be a surrogate then I would do. I couldn't do it until I had "finished" my family as I would like another child in the future.

sleepyeyes · 11/05/2009 19:03

I would for my sister or close cousin as long as it was genetically theirs.
My mum has offered to be a surrogate for my sister and I if we ever needed her (she is in her 40's) what she doesn't know is we might just ask her one day.
My sister has also said she would do it for me as long as it was genetically mine. But her last pregnancy was really hard on her and I don't think I could put her in that position especially since I know she has decided she wont have anymore.

If I have to go in for egg harvesting then I plan to donate, I know what it's like to struggle to conceive I can't imagine the pain a woman must go through to realize they can't have their own or possibly even carry a child, so I hope one day I can help.

NotmyELFtoday · 11/05/2009 19:07

Also, oddly, I would feel more comfortable being a surrogate (including the prospect of using my own eggs) than donating eggs to a stranger, especially since the laws changed re being able to find out the name of donors.

AnnieLobeseder · 11/05/2009 20:32

I'm thinking about offering to a friend who has been struggling to conceive DC2 - her DD is a miracle baby, which they didn't realise until they started trying for number 2. DH is not keen at all though, so we need to talk things through more before I speak to my friend.

dreamylady · 11/05/2009 21:54

charliegirl, yes it was 'The Primal Wound' - some of it rang true for me - though I'm not a typical adoptee, I did lose my father when i was very young.

More recently though research into cognitive development and the idea of a continuum of development of 9 months before and then 9 months after birth being when key brain pathways, personality and reactions to eg stress are laid down.

I dunno it could all be a load of rubbish but it just bothers me a lot that so many posters think about how they would feel and how great a gift it would be for those unable to carry their own child, but hardly anyone seems to consider the best interests of the as yet non-existent baby.

sorry i know it sounds judgemental..

sleepyeyes · 11/05/2009 22:56

dreamlady yes you are being judgemental you have no idea of the though process of women willing to be donors or surrogates. Adoption is a completely different process.
I have greatly though about how it would feel for the baby, IMO the first two years are very important in all areas of human development being that the baby would have been with there parents from birth I do think emotionally/long term may be very different from adoption.
Especially those who carry and give birth with donor eggs.
Nurture is equally as important as Nature.

treedelivery · 12/05/2009 00:18

I'm going to be a known egg donor, all being well. I believe it will work, it will result in the couple having a baby. It is different to surrogacy, and yet similar. It is a gift. A pure, simple gift. It is a helping hand to achieve what is wanted. It is simply what has to be done to create the longed for child.

My egg donation seems to be all positive and generous - there is no question of sacrifice or of hard choices or of 'this is hard but for the best'. I feel the way you do when you are going to give someone a gift you know they will love.
I imagine adoption to be born of different needs.

All I can ever say to the child - should he or she ask - is that I helped mum and dad to have their much longed for baby. I did what had to be done, to get you to exist took 'all hands on deck'. You were so wanted by 2 people, that more people had to get involved to make it happen. There were doctors, nurses, and there was me. I gave a gift, freely and without stipulations. You are yourself, made up of genes, experiences and personality. There may be taits of mine telling through the genes, but there will be your mum and dad in your heart. I gave away a bit of 'information' in egg from, to help make building blocks - but it was your mum and dad who took that information and built you.

Any person is much much bigger than the blocks they are built from. We are greater than the sum of our parts.

I am very sentimental as you can see

sleepyeyes · 12/05/2009 00:22

Tree thats lovely and perfectly put.

treedelivery · 12/05/2009 00:33

Having said all of the above, I couldn't be a surrogate. I am not able to be that selfless. I have no siblings so maybe if I had I could do it. I dunno. Maybe for my daughters, but I'm sure they would rather someone younger!

There is to me, a difference between a donation of time and genetic information [egg donation], and actual carrying and birthing of a baby. I would be unable to jump that gap for purely selfish reasons.

sammysam · 12/05/2009 07:37

Yes. But only after my family is complete (almost is) and only for my sister or bestfriend as I suffer very badly from hyperemesis and am very very ill for months. I would love to be able to do it-such a fantastic gift to be able to give someone....

FourArms · 12/05/2009 07:39

I would like to think that I could, but realistically it wouldn't be a sensible thing for me to do since I don't have great pregancies (PE with DS1), easy births (1 c/s and 1 VBAC after 39 hours of induction!) and have had PND twice.

However, I would think about it more if either of my sisters needed me to do it. I've gotten pg very easily both times, and haven't had any m/cs.

littleboyblue · 12/05/2009 07:46

I couldn't do it. Not just for handing the baby over at the end, but it's the fact that I'd be carrying my friends baby, and would hate for there to be issues in difference of opinion on what I could and couldn't do during pregnancy iyswim. It'd be a wonderful thing to do for someone, without a doubt, and I'd love to be able to make a friend or relative that happy, but there are downsides too.

QueentessentialShadow · 12/05/2009 07:52

I couldnt.
My pregnancies were really hard, and I could not walk for months after my second was born. So no. Cant go through something like that, and not even have the newborn to cuddle up with after.

But, where is the op?

dreamylady · 12/05/2009 08:20

sleepyeyes you're right that I don't know what the thought processes of donors /surrogates are, and I am interested - because on this thread (admittedly not necessarily a large or necessarily representative sample) the idea of doing something amazing for someone else and then the (very sensible) consideration of the toll it would take on them seemed to be more immediate than thoughts about the child itself.

I suppose when you're seriously considering this then perhaps it becomes a bigger issue in your deliberations?

I agree that nurture is important as well as nature (I've got lots of experience though have not as yet had a biological child) though don't think anyone can say whether one is more important than the other or whether they're equal. What I do believe though is that they are both important and that 'nature' shouldn't be ignored in the overall consideration.

OracleInaCoracle · 12/05/2009 08:43

if i could do it, then i would. the pain of being unable to carry a child is overwhelming and there are people i love enough to want to give them something that they want badly enough to ask me for. however it is lokking more and more unlikely that i will ever be able to carry another child of my own, so...

halia · 12/05/2009 09:54

I might if it was for my brother (well SIL) except for the fact that I hated pregnancy and birth.

I could donate eggs though quite easily - but for me an egg isn't a baby yet - its a collection of cells which I have and someone else doesn't.