DD behaved abysmally and need to vent

[Innish22]

My DB looked after both of my DCs at the weekend and DD (11) and himself had a falling out. DB was furious when dropping them back and said outright that he won’t be looking after her again.
I don’t blame him and I’m very disappointed in her, but I also know that my brother holds grudges for ever, which means that this will cause friction for the wider family.
DD is digging in her heels and refuses to apologise, but she seemed upset this evening and I think that she is ashamed and will come around.
That’s it. I just needed to vent because it’s the last thing I needed to start the week.

What did she do?

What did she do?

What did she do?

Your brother sounds a bit pathetic if he's going to hold a grudge against an 11 year old.

Well what did she do exactly? She’s 11 so I think your brother is being ridiculous holding a grudge against her. Surely an apology will be enough. Maybe find someone else to babysit too.

Are you absolutely sure she is entirely in the wrong? Have you asked her what happened? Because if your brother is the kind of person who causes a full blown family rift over a “falling out” with an 11yo girl, I would want to reserve judgement on who is being unreasonable.

It somewhat depends what happens. But your DB needs to remember he is the grown up and she is the 11yo. She may need to learn about her behaviour but it does not reflect well on him if he can't cope with that and holds grudges.

Me too!!

What did she do? And are you experiencing other issues with her behaviour or has this come out of the blue? What’s her relationship usually like with your brother?

A grown man ‘fell out’ with an 11 year old girl, and will now hold a grudge against this child that will impact the entire family?
without you saying what she’s done, I’d probably be inclined to be on her side since he is clearly an idiot

Remember she is 11!
Your brother is the “adult”
I’d be tempted to side with your child 😬
Was she “naughty” due to being upset you left her or something like that?
He obviously isn’t the appropriate person to look after her - any parents / other grandparents / friends etc I’d make a different arrangement going forward.

It won’t be as bad as you imagine.

I get you need to vent but I feel some key pieces of information are missing if you’d like some advice!

Is your brother also 11??? He doesn't sound mature enough to look after a child.

They usually get on well, but there is the occasional bickering and moaning (I mean she is 11). He’s definitely their fun adult who takes them to do stuff that they really enjoy.

My DB is gay which is no secret, and she basically accused him of being a paedophile (liking little boys). Long story short is that he sometimes looks after a friend’s son and I think that DD might just be jealous.

I have spoken to her and she said that she said it because she was angry at being told off, so I won’t be excusing her behaviour. Yes, I have explained to her how serious such comments are and that they should never be said unless true. As I said she is upset and I think she feels ashamed but this has really gotten to me.

Right now I can’t blame him for being angry.

Wow sorry I’m not surprised your brother is angry and upset.

Wow- I don’t blame him either. That’s a bloody awful thing to say.

Id let the dust settle a bit, then sit her down and try to get her to understand the gravity of those kind of accusations.

Wow I think you actually need to be harder on her on this it’s so far past the line and she is 11 not 5. Your poor brother.

Nasty AF no wonder your DB was angry.

What the actual fuck have I just read. He absolutely should neevr look after her again. That’s an incredibly dangerous allegation. At 11 she should know the severity of what she’s said.

Yeah, that’s pretty appalling. It’s not a word that should be tossed around, it’s a pretty serious accusation. I am sure she doesn’t understand that but if your brother withdraws from her for awhile it might get the message across. She also needs to learn to take a telling.

Wow, I was firmly ready to say you’re brother should realise whose the adult and whose the child until you revealed what she said. How awful for your brother, he will probably be uncomfortable around your child for the rest of his life in fear of being called a pedo.

Hope you’re ok too OP as I imagine this is very hard to navigate!

I'd initially thought your brother was pathetic to be arguing with an 11 year old and holding a grudge, he probably is a bit pathetic given you say they bicker. That's a serious remark she made though, I'd be uncomfortable spending time alone with a child who'd say something like that.

Oof, that is actually really bad. I would be making her research and write a short essay about why that was such a cruel and dangerous thing to say. She would be writing a letter of apology as well. And there need to be ongoing conversations, as she clearly needs some education around sexuality and about appropriate ways of expressing negative feelings.

Gosh that is an horrendous accusation OP.
Realky serious.
She sounds as though she has a real attitude problem as well.
You need to seriously educate your DD in acceptable behaviour. Being 11 is no excuse.
.

Woahh I (sort of) take back what I said. She’s old enough to know better than that. He definitely shouldn’t look after her again (for his own safety) that’s a huge accusation. I would take her seriously though and ask her why she’s said that, if she’s got any concerns, if she’s seen anything, if she’s got anything she’d like to tell you, if he’s ever been inappropriate with her etc. either she really did mean it and is now panicking so it’s good to show her you will listen to her. Or she really did say it just to be horrible and then it’s good that she sees how serious that sort of accusation is and what the consequences could be to adults who she accuses, let her freak out a bit about what’s going to happen and the consequences to her actions. Then of course educate her on why that was a particularly bad thing to say to your brother and maybe read some books or watch some documentaries with her about how gay men have been treated in the past.

So what are you going to do about it? How are you going to make her apologise properly?