Occupation order hearing next week, panicking

[mamacat612]

Can anyone tell me what my chances are or have any experience of this?

I am divorcing my husband, we have one child. I left the family home with our child to go live with family members due to his angry outbursts.

I asked him within a few weeks to please move out of the home and allow myself and our child to move back in. This is for stability for our child. He refused and said he has no where else to go. This is partially true, we moved to an area to be close to my family when we had our child and his parents and family members do live hours away, I don’t dispute this.

I applied for an occupation order on advice.

He is saying if he is forced to leave the home, that he will have no choice but to move back to parents which means loosing his job, or be homeless.

We both earn similar amounts, neither of us can afford a private rental and paying half the mortgage which I have accepted in my statement.

He is saying in his statement that I can get housing benefit and rent with our child and has done a calculation! Or live with family members but I want our child to be back in the family home. My family members can’t accomodate us long term and it’s crapped as we are in a flat.

He has started financial proceedings for the divorce as we haven’t been able to agree with either the sale of the house or buying each other out.

If I am to move back in I can’t afford the mortgage alone and would need him to still pay his half.

I don’t have any concrete evidence of his angry outbursts other than my statement, no other witnesses. But I can’t move back in and live with him until this is all sorted, his behaviour scares me.

For his part he says we did argue at the end of the relationship, but he denies any angry outbursts or intimidating behaviour.

We are both self representing and there will be a legal advisor at the hearing to ask questions.

There is nothing stopping you doing this, but perusing an occupation order isn’t the way to get it. Simply moving in and getting on with it is. You’re describing a weeks work. The court has no interest in this

It sounds as though you hoped he would agree to move out and keep paying half the mortgage indefinitely.

I imagine he's reluctant to do that because it would leave you free to stall on selling, and him left in a position of mortgage obligation for fear of repossession.

You have no option but to get the house on the market, and take whatever you can get for it. You're in no position whatsoever to remain in this one sided (yours) battle of wills, or in a futile cycle of he says she says.

I will be out in temporary accommodation which will be awful for my child, we have a home, it shouldn’t be necessary.

Well, no, often people have quite strong evidence against their abuser. I’m not for one second saying there aren’t instances where there isn’t evidence, but there often is. Be that photos of injuries, recordings of arguments etc.

As others have said, you’re ignoring good advice here OP. I empathise with your situation but you need to be realistic.

An occupation order is only granted in very very tight circumstances. This is usually if there is a very serious threat, as in, would this person actually physically harm you or your child?

I am really not trying to minimise what you have experienced, and that emotional abuse is very real, but it doesn’t sound like this is the case re threat to physical violence.

If you have to move back into the house with him then you should just document everything that happens, including any arguments etc. You can then use this as further evidence if necessary.

Its very normal for a separating couple to have to live together during a split unfortunately, and it’s also quite unfair for you to expect him to pay half the mortgage when not living there. The fact you have chosen to do so is up to you and is your choice.

A mortgage holiday is your best bet. Take that and then list the house on the market asap, hope it sells quickly. In the meantime, the mortgage holiday would allow you to rent somewhere else suitable.

I hope you eventually get settled OP, it’s a difficult time, but you do also need to be reasonable

Of course. But adults take responsibility for their own health.

OP do you think this has given him a shock now so you might be ok to move in and lead separate lives? Do the refurb and get the house on the market asap? Houses do sell in poor condition but they sell for less. You say he is hardly there so you might not have to tolerate him much?

I am no expert but it sounds like you are not going to get what you want here. Think of what’s going to be best for you and baby long term. It sounds like taking a big breath, moving back in, living separate lives, doing what’s needed and selling up asap is what is going to benefit you long term. Send him a message being clear about your expectations and maybe even say you will call the police if he behaves aggressively next time. Good luck.

It will for the right price. Auction might be worth doing - can be very quick. It gets you to the financial end point sooner. I know it’s hard but at what cost your peace? Imagine buying your own place and the security of that. The peace of knowing he can’t enter.

I really feel for you but I’m so confused about 2 points

• if you are too scared of him to have your child live with him why are you currently trying to actively arrange ways for him to see the child while he isn’t? Surely you’d want to take advantage on that?
• why does still breastfeeding mean you can’t work full time? I’m still feeding and work full time and so is my sister who is a nurse and my best friend who is a teacher?

That is the choice you’re making. It is not something the court will concern itself with.

My point is that moving back in is good for her or their child.

They won’t view it as him snatching his child, they’ll just say he has a right to take his child somewhere. Knew someone whose ex took their child and wouldn’t give him back. Took a year of court to arrange access again. Court awarded 50/50. I really wouldn’t get your hopes up.

How are you proposing to complete the work on the house in order to get it to what you feel is its "true value"?

this is all really minor and should never have got to family court. Using the court unnecessarily to this extent is the worst way to divorce

OP just wants to live in her house with her child before it gets sold and everyone can move on.

Why is everyone being nasty to OP? It's bizarre. He's the aggressive nasty man - she wants to get away from him. But he won't move out and is happy for her to pay half the mortgage, but won't do the same if he moves out? Even though it's his daughter who lives in the house with her mum? This man would rather his daughter is messed around than he be inconvenienced. Also - this man is refusing to give OP her inheritance money back. Another manifestation of what a grim turd of a beta male he is.

Sorry OP. Not sure how this can change, he is refusing to move out, with no consideration for his child. It's not you it's him, and anyone on here criticising you is bonkers, frankly.

The only realistic option is you move in and grey rock him totally literally as if he isn't there. Put the house on the market as is and sell asap. Then move on with lessons learnt. Sadly xx

We need the house to get a decent price, loans were taken out for work to be undertaken, kitchens bathroom, small extension etc. with it unfinished there is a potential we could loose money.

You don't have a home, you have a shared asset which needs to be sold to allow you to fund a home.

so her choice is to house her and child elsewhere, if the impact on health is more of a concern than anything else

Point 1 - it takes A LOT before you can deny a parent access to their child. What she has is enough to know it’s abuse and not good for her or their child to be there with him. In his own may be he’s ok with the child. It’s not cut and dry.

I have been in this situation. My ex-husband was abusive, mentally and physically, and I couldn’t stay there with him. I walked away with nothing, because my sanity was more important to me than fighting over things with lawyers when he could’ve turned it around on me. He was manipulative. I couldn’t ban him from the house and he couldn’t ban me. Technically I still own half of it, I assume, I wasn’t removed from the mortgage although I haven’t paid any since I left.

If abuse is bad you just want out, and you don’t care who or what the other gets. You just want to be safe

He's happy to sell the house. OP isn't. I don't think most people are being unkind to OP but rather giving her a reality check. I often have to do this with parents going through family court both private and public as what people think is relevant, or evidence, or the best interests of the child, is often viewed very differently by a court.

The inheritance money, it is important to me. I do listen to advice and I get that in a marriage it is “one pot”, but I wouldn’t do that to him. His argument in mediation is that marriage is give and take, I didn’t work for many years etc and he supported us, that is a family choice isn’t it. I would never take his inheritance I would 100 percent give it back I am not a bad person.

It’s a balance of harm though isn’t it.

A good dad would find a room somewhere and allow his child and their mother to have stability.

Yep your approach is the normal nice one/ You won't see the money again, he's a horrible person.

I am not actively trying to arrange ways for him to see our child.

after the split yes he was having contact. I was told that he’d get this anyway so tried to keep things civil between us.

its him that has stopped contact and initiated the family court proceedings, after he received the court paperwork for the non-mol and occupation order

Like it's a family choice to use the inheritance on the house? You really can't have it both ways.