My abusive ex is now my police force’s domestic abuse lead

[tobeindoit]

I was in an abusive relationship for four years in my early 20s. It was never physical, but he coercively controlled and abused me. He would repeatedly call me a slag and a slut. He made me afraid to speak to my friends. He tried to stop me going out with my family. He controlled what I wore and how I acted. He’d punch walls around my head.

I’ve just read an article about an awful case of domestic abuse, and there he is, quoted as the domestic abuse lead. I don’t know how to feel. I probably should be angry but I almost feel wryly amused. Of course they’ve made an abusive man the domestic abuse lead.

this 👆
Where better place for a predatory violent man
And they cover up for them and support them, as we saw from beautiful Sarah Everard's despicible murderer.

I would let someone know about this. They would not have appointed him if they knew his record. I don’t know what the correct procedure would be - is there a “raise a concern” or “whistleblowing line” for that police force?

So much is said about coercive control it almost feels investigates it was legal until 10 years ago.

It wouldn’t make any difference anyway. None of them would or could do anything.

@tobeindoit Society places value on the attributes which lead men to abuse their wives, which is why those same men are promoted in the workplace and have more success in relationships.

There needs to be a cultural shift in society so that men who are more placcid and non-abusive are more valued in the workplace and in relationships.

I have absolutely no evidence. They aren’t going to act on anything I say.

You would never know he was abusive. He is friendly, doesn’t give off alpha male vibes or anything like that. When I confided in a mutual friend, they thought it was me stopping him going out.

Jesus. Was no DBS or similar investigation required??

I've whistleblown a few times and had nothing but trouble for it. Leave it with God/the Godess/the universe/karma. If he is "lead" then generally he won't have contact with victims. I'd love to say more but I know how you feel and karma is about to kick arse for me so hopefully will for you too.

I hope so, but I doubt it.

I definitely wouldn’t whistleblow. I can lt really. It’s been 18 years and there’s no proof.

Doesn't surprise me one bit and completely understand why you wouldn't attempt to raise the issue. Sadly we all know nothing good would come of it.

Men like this are drawn to positions of power, access to vulnerable people, and a veneer of respectability.

Its the same reason that any Dad joining the school board of governors is eyed by me with suspicion. I know exactly why my dad did that and it wasn't because he felt passionately about improving my primary school (the only safe place in my little world, where there were adults i might have talked to about home.... until he joined them in special meetings that is).

That is dreadful! I am a school governor and have never given this a thought before.

I’m afraid there is a lot of sense in this.
Always always go to the police, even if you subsequently agree with them that you don’t want to press charges. There has to be a (reasonably contemporaneous) record.

Except coercive control was not a crime 18 years ago.

Sorry OP - I hadn’t realised the exact nature of it. I’ve read through now.
You’re in a difficult position for various reasons, as you are already aware.
I really don’t know what more to say and am sorry I can’t be more helpful.

(I’m also very concerned with how things seem to be heading for UK women in general but that is a different wider issue. I don’t see much respect or decency or fairness towards us, ironically, given our economic power is the highest it’s ever been.)

This behaviour runs through the police like the writing that runs through a stick of rock.

The right thing to do should be to report his behaviour. But real life doesn't always have the deserved consequences for shit stains like him.

OP I’m with you, although in an ideal world you’d report his previous behaviour to his superiors, and if he was working at a charity or hospital that may be a relatively safe thing to do, I wouldn’t in a million years advise you to report a serving police officer, he could make your life hell. Sometimes you have to put your own safety first and this is one of those times.

I agree - the issue is the patriarchy itself. Men who are at the top of the food chain aren't threatened by this behaviour because it doesn't affect them as they are "lads", so look for the more masculine as a positive sign of "power" which is exactly which is what we do not need in these environments with vulnerable victims. They can't see it from a perspective that non-dominant people would be better fits for these roles.

Yep its endemic.

Why? Because the men in charge of promotions are like this so value other men like this, and they got promoted by the previous generation of men like this.....and so on. The women who get promoted are usually victim blaming abuser apologists.

I

They are definitely attracted to the police.

Thank you. I definitely can’t report him. I don’t want the trouble and I also don’t have a shred of proof.

It’s funny though because he doesn’t appear to be a dominant, alpha character, I don’t think.

Surely they aren’t openly talking about their attitudes though? They’ve got to be keeping their abuse secret?

Not if, in their world, it isnt abusive. It's what control hungry power mad men do, and as that is a job that attracts such men, its a closed club. The ones who are not like that either dont stay or get converted.

Think of a nice young man who wants to better himself in being attractive to women who falls down the incel rabbit hole. The sensible ones soon work out that its bad idea and leave, the others take their red pill.

We are talking about Police Force Red Pillers.

And there it is!!!

He knows he has no chance against his male peers, so he did it to you to feel like the big man. Now he has a badge and the backing of THE POLICE to make him feel like the big man. And his colleagues are the same........ Shame no one made a video game called Little Big Police.