My abusive ex is now my police force’s domestic abuse lead

[tobeindoit]

I was in an abusive relationship for four years in my early 20s. It was never physical, but he coercively controlled and abused me. He would repeatedly call me a slag and a slut. He made me afraid to speak to my friends. He tried to stop me going out with my family. He controlled what I wore and how I acted. He’d punch walls around my head.

I’ve just read an article about an awful case of domestic abuse, and there he is, quoted as the domestic abuse lead. I don’t know how to feel. I probably should be angry but I almost feel wryly amused. Of course they’ve made an abusive man the domestic abuse lead.

Its a chat forum. Are you familiar with how they work?

There is no way on earth I’m contacting him.

To discuss the situation. What is the point of your post?

What a strange comment.

I can’t believe so many people are telling you to report him in various ways. There is no world in which this is a good idea.

I can’t believe so many people are telling you to report him in various ways. There is no world in which this is a good idea.

I'd find it very hard not to report this to someone personally, even if very indirectly, because I'd be worried that his views would cause the rest of the force to rot under his influence and that many more women would be negatively affected when they make a report, or have issues with police officers directly. I doubt it'd do much in itself, but if someone else comes forward it may help to corroborate that he's entirely unsuitable for such a post.

Wow. Ok.

It would be lovely to think that there was a world where this could be done, but it so clearly couldn’t.

I have no proof. It wouldn’t go anywhere. No one is going to record what I say, and definitely not without making him aware.

I’m sorry?

Totally believe you, same thing happened to a good friend of mine her partner was police, he was seriously abusing and violent, got reported to the police, no real evidence like video footage few bruise etc but couldn't really be proven he did it.
They split well she left him, and now he has equal access unsupervised to theor children and she vantage do anything about it, so it's kinda worse in some ways knowing her kids are with him with no supervision at all.
He's also since moved on to dv police work

And hes done the same thing to two others as well... yet he's still there

I don't think he sounds like he would go along with that, somehow.
He will know that nothing can be proven now anyway as does the OP.

They are clearly attracted to working in DV. There’s at least four just on this thread.

Keep quiet, and be thankful that you are beyond his reach. I would have zero confidence that reporting a police officer to the police would ,or could,ever end well. They have too much power, and it is easily abused.Having annoyed a cop myself ( in a completely non police/ legal issue, I certainly noticed that my car was stopped much more than ever before,and I had no confidence that help, if I ever needed it,would be forthcoming from the police.

In an ideal world, yes you'd whistle blow but reality is rather different. If your ex hasn't had many previous relationships, then it's not going to take him long to figure out who made the complaint. Also if there's no documented evidence of the abuse, then it's his word against yours. Him being in the police force leaves him in a position where he could use his job, to create issues for you.

Your priority OP, has to be your safety and peace of mind.

Indeed. It wasn’t a crime at the time either. I definitely won’t be reporting. It is so incredibly galling though.

I had a similar issue with my mum. She stood by my molesting step-father, despite his admission of guilt and being in prison!! She was still married to him 7 years after the conviction and during that time she was a safeguarding lead for a school. I mulled over writing a letter to the school but in the end, I didnt do it. But I'd had my justice against my abuser, it would have been a different decision if I hadn't. Sorry youre dealing with this, it makes my justice-sensitivity tingle for you :(

Unfortunately vetting only flags up those who have been caught. I only discovered I’d been working with a paedophile for years when he was suddenly arrested and convicted.

Yes because the get off on power, would be supposed to see him move to vice or something at some point, I'm disgusted he has equal access to the children sometimes he's with them unsupervised for 2 weeks, he used to kick her in the back of the head and allsorts.
Often advice other to just leave is so short sighted spoken by people who don't really know
But that said I'm glad she left him as I used to worry sick about her

My neighbour was a very senior police inspector.
His children were perfect students and like robots I now realise.
They were never allowed to play with the children in our very MC neighbourhood.

His daughter was quite brilliant and received offers of study everywhere.
She accepted a Civil Service position at the other end of the country and took it.
She upped and left.
He was absolutely furious apparently.
I never saw her again but years later I heard the father was a controlling pyscho and had them all terrorised.

His son, also brilliant also upped and left after secondary school, never seen again.

The word coercive didn't exist.
He was "very strict" was the wording 50 years ago.
He terrorised his wife, up and down to the shops and she was timed
She died very suddenly after her second child left.
They had two children with not 10 months between them.
That tells its own story.
We were so ignorant/ oblivious to the horrendous lives some families led.

I am hugely suspicious of the police because of the newspapers.
My own personal experience of them has been incredible.
My son was knocked down and they couldn't have been kinder.
They actually called to the house to check up on him after he was allowed home.
Extraordinarily kind.

OP I'm so sorry and your decision not to report is 100% correct.

I was subject to abusive behaviour from our family doctor as a teenager and so was my sister. He would tell my mum he needed to be alone with us now we were 11/12 and then performed intimate examinations on us, completely not indicated medically, and make sexually inappropriate remarks to us.

I have a huge huge thing about intimate exams/ medical care now. I find them really violating and struggle to get through them.

Firstly, people in general don't believe that dedicated professionals behave this way.

You see it on here - they're doctors ffs, they're professionals, get over yourself, they don't get a kick out of seeing you naked, duh. And of course, 95% don't. But people, even women on a female centred forum like this, are unable to believe that some people go into these positions precisely because they want access to women/ young girls.

My theory is, they can't cope with the reality of someone "safe" behaving like this, so they deny.

And secondly.... it goes double and triple for people in that profession. I have always struggled badly with intimate healthcare. I generally don't tell HCPs, because, well, telling a stranger details like that 3 mins after you met them is very hard. Very often, I can see they have decided I am "difficult" if I am having trouble with an intimate procedure. Only once, once ever, have I had someone kindly ask "is there a reason this is hard for you?"

You'd think people working in healthcare would be alert to this stuff, but honestly they are not in my experience.

I once actually told a consultant obstetrician about it when I was close to labour because I was having trouble controlling the panic. She looked at me like I was a complete loon and just did not respond.

I think people like her are invested in seeing themselves and their teams as "the good guys" and automatically ignore or close ranks against anyone who challenges that. Strongly suspect something of that kind going on with your former friend @PyongyangKipperbang

Sorry that happened to you, this disgusts me.

Yes at least we have the language for such horrible behaviours these days
We didn't knwo what coercion was or gaslightimg or so many other forms of abuse

Risky!