My abusive ex is now my police force’s domestic abuse lead

[tobeindoit]

I was in an abusive relationship for four years in my early 20s. It was never physical, but he coercively controlled and abused me. He would repeatedly call me a slag and a slut. He made me afraid to speak to my friends. He tried to stop me going out with my family. He controlled what I wore and how I acted. He’d punch walls around my head.

I’ve just read an article about an awful case of domestic abuse, and there he is, quoted as the domestic abuse lead. I don’t know how to feel. I probably should be angry but I almost feel wryly amused. Of course they’ve made an abusive man the domestic abuse lead.

That is just awful! How on earth could she said you weren’t abused?? Yes, it is worrying to think that he could well be.

I wouldn’t want any repercussions though. He’d know it was me.

I would like to think he’s changed but I know that is unlikely.

How could I have reported something that was not a crime when it happened? This is very close to victim blaming.

No, it's just her word, years later, against someone who has a proven record in his job to get this role, it wonuldn't go well for the OP.

I don't think that is any reason to say nothing though. What's in question is his suitability for the job. Your experience of him makes clear that he is deeply unsuitable. You are unlikely to be asked to provide evidence. Even if it simply goes on file and he keeps his job, he will eventually abuse a woman again (if he hasn't already) and your complaint will corroborate the other woman's experience.

I think you would be brave to speak up. I know how painful it can be to unearth these things, but if you can do it, I think you should.

If it wasn’t a crime when it happened then that’s shocking but obviously there’s nothing you can do about it now. In that case I wouldn’t report anything as he’ll just deny it. Thank goodness you got away.

They’re not going to keep unsubstantiated allegations where this no evidence on any kind of file. It could be vexatious or anything.

Yep. Text book.

report it if you want but dont expect anything to come of it

When I was with my abusive ex he was in the police and said ‘We need to start working more with domestic abuse in the LGBT Community ’(we’re both men)

I’m not going to report it?

Unbelievable!

When my ex started working in the force he had domestic abuse training and told me about how some abusers try and cut their partner off from family and friends.

definitely for the best

"Wryly amused"? Gosh.

It was really bizarre to be honest.

He was telling me about his newish role (we both used to smoke so we were outside and ex was inside the pub, I hadnt realised he was in there or I would have left) and was very proud of what he was doing and the plans the force had for retraining officers etc so DV was dealt with properly. Then he mentioned my ex being in the pub. I said "But you know what he did to me! You know that he was removed from our house and arrested, that he admitted to beating me up (again) and attempting to strangle me! You know that the only reason it never went to court was the local force fucking up the investigation and statements so the CPS couldnt use most of it in court so it wasnt actioned!" He was shame faced and stuttering but just said "Well thats different, I wasnt involved professionally....." and that was when I lost my shit. I didnt go back in, called my friend that I was with and we left. I was fucking FUMING.

My apologies. How should I feel?

I would have…he sounds ridiculous.

People really need to sort out their morals. You can’t just turn a blind eye to something like abuse because you like the person. You can’t separate the man from the crime like that.

Sorry for what you went through. And good on you for walking out!

That's not for me to say. I was just surprised that amused came into it given what you say he put you through.

My ex was a pathological liar and became abusive after joining the police. It's definitely the power, everything changed about him, his political outlook, the way he spoke about people, his expectations of me to, it was awful. He had an affair with a colleague so no longer have to deal with him except for the DC. He'd say things like I was getting brave for asking questions, I wasn't allowed to speak for threat of withdrawal of financial support - as in paying rent. I asked him to miss a hobby once because I was exhausted after being up all night with a poorly DC, he told me to fuck off and stop being controlling- when I asked how that was controlling he said he'd had cooercive control training and knew what to say. It was a living nightmare and quite frankly put me off ever contemplating a relationship again. They are a different breed of men OP, I agree it's almost comical if it wasn't so terrifying.

I would contact him directly and tell him that you will whistleblow unless he changes roles ASAP. That's what I would do if I didn't want any comeback from it but wanted to make sure an utter arsehole wasn't in charge of such an important area of policing.

Wryly amused. Do you understand what that means? If not Google it. You are contributing nothing to the thread.

Every one knows what OP means, you dont have to nit pick. It clearly doesnt mean she is laughing with joy and abandon. Its black humour, irony, bemusement, a raised eyebrow.

Sorry to hear that you went through that.

It put me off relationships. I still haven’t had a proper one and I left 18 years ago. I do have a DP but we don’t live together and don’t see each other all of the time. I do wonder if I’ve chosen it because it means I have full control over what I do all of the time.

If your not going to do anything what is the point of this post?