My abusive ex is now my police force’s domestic abuse lead

[tobeindoit]

I was in an abusive relationship for four years in my early 20s. It was never physical, but he coercively controlled and abused me. He would repeatedly call me a slag and a slut. He made me afraid to speak to my friends. He tried to stop me going out with my family. He controlled what I wore and how I acted. He’d punch walls around my head.

I’ve just read an article about an awful case of domestic abuse, and there he is, quoted as the domestic abuse lead. I don’t know how to feel. I probably should be angry but I almost feel wryly amused. Of course they’ve made an abusive man the domestic abuse lead.

Yes, they’d have no proof at all.

School governors should be DBS checked, this is worrying.

I am so sorry you experienced this. And I'm sorry for his wife and all the poor women who will report to the police and get him fucking it all up.

A very, very good question.

Coercive control wasn’t even a crime when he did it so I’m not sure there would be anything even if I had complained then, although it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to do so.

I know women are also abusers, but surely the force understands by now that men are not the safest gender for these roles with vulnerable people?

Is it naive to think he might have reflected in his behaviour and now wants to help victims to atone?

Of course it is.

I thought exactly the same! What on earth are they thinking appointing a man to that role?

On the plus side as pp said they do psychometric testing now which should flag ideologies. It's a more adept version of how we can spot male posters on here.

Sadly unlikely he will have changed much. Core beliefs don't vanish without a lot of work if you realise they are damaging.

Yep it happens. The guy that assaulted me for over a year happens to be a high ranking officer in the police . He loved the power and abuse he gave. I will not trust any male police officer to this day

He was only found guilty of fraud.

I would drop a note to the Centre for Women's Justice (legal centre) who did a lot of work on police perpetrated domestic abuse, and how forces weren't handling complaints properly (prompted by this original investigation by the Bureau of Investigative Journalism: www.thebureauinvestigates.com/stories/2019-05-01/police-perpetrators-domestic-violence). The CWJ work prompted a review by the Independent Office of Police Conduct. They would have a good idea of what could be done to raise the issue with this man completely anonymously and safely. Nogah Ofer is one of their staff who worked on this issue. YOu can email them at info AT centreforwomensjustice DOT org DOT uk

Thank you very much. There is no evidence though and coercive control wasn’t a crime back then.

I'm sorry . This does not surprise me at all . They always do project a image of kindness and safety to the outside

God that is gruesome.

I know a guy who’s a police officer in domestic abuse, also married to another police officer. Wonder if it’s him.
He’s one of the school dads and has always given me controlling vibes. I don’t like him at all.

Does his name begin with an M?

would still show on a check and where I clerk, fraud would be a no thanks to being a school governor.

They may have vetted him, but if nobody has ever reported him, nothing will come up.

Just Googled him and he was the only man on a panel discussing domestic abuse in the region. Apparently his role involves decisions regarding tackling VAWG and domestic abuse. Sickening.

No, it doesn’t. I hope for her sake the one you know isn’t as bad as mine.

I couldn’t have reported him even if I’d wanted to - coercive control appallingly wasn’t a crime then.

I doubt his current wife has reported him either, so there’ll be no paper trail at all.

HisStericalTestes
If he hasn't ever been reported then I presume his enhanced DBS would come back clear.

I was physically and emotionally abused by someone who is now a judge.

I am so sorry, that is horrendous. I’m just reading Gisele Pelicot’s autobiography - the depths of depravity that some men sink to is just horrific.

It is so sickening. Feeling some of that anger now.

I have an ex friend who was happily telling me how he was now the DA lead in his force, this was when I saw him out one night with my ex husband (one of his best friends). I asked him, if he felt so strongly about it, he would be cutting my ex off as he knows that ex was arrested for beating the shit out of me and attempting to strangle me. He said that was "different", I said it wasnt, he is a hypocrite and never to speak to me again.