My abusive ex is now my police force’s domestic abuse lead

[tobeindoit]

I was in an abusive relationship for four years in my early 20s. It was never physical, but he coercively controlled and abused me. He would repeatedly call me a slag and a slut. He made me afraid to speak to my friends. He tried to stop me going out with my family. He controlled what I wore and how I acted. He’d punch walls around my head.

I’ve just read an article about an awful case of domestic abuse, and there he is, quoted as the domestic abuse lead. I don’t know how to feel. I probably should be angry but I almost feel wryly amused. Of course they’ve made an abusive man the domestic abuse lead.

Similar situation when I was young. Ex now works in a health care role. Narcissists often seek to control through work also. I would report it op.

Why are these men so desperate to work in DA?

I have absolutely no proof though. They won’t do anything and it might cause me trouble.

They can't discriminate against him because he is male. Especially as he clearly doesn't have a criminal record at this point.

sadly not remotely surprised. It seems to happen quite a lot that abusers and bullies target safeguarding/harassment roles.

A friend's daughter joined the police a couple of years ago. Believe me, any psychometric training isn't working. Her intake was full of sexist and misogynistic idiots, it was obvious to her within days.

She has, of course faced more of the same since, and is sick of having to report these men. Nothing changes.

My XH was a violent abuser. And a police officer. Fortunately he went to prison for what he did to me, so was kicked out of the force and didn't get to take up a senior position where he could have been even more dangerous.

Yeah it’s not a great look is it, abuser in charge of supporting people who have been abused.

I do genuinely hope though that he has pursued this line of work BECAUSE he realised that he was a problem and has done the work to put it right and pay it forward, to show he has atoned…I just doubt that is the case.

If you do raise, just make sure your approach is very measured and uses clear examples. Given his position he is likely to be well respected so you will only get one opportunity to make a good first impression.

Im sorry he put you through this, and I hope you are able to report 💐

The thing is, he is actually a very good and honourable man and highly thought of in his job. I have known three of his exes and they all said that, the relationships ended because of logistics with two of them (LDR's) and one because she wanted kids and he didnt. They all stayed friends.

Him and ex have been friends for over 40 years and I think he struggles to put what ex did to me onto the man he has known all those years who he has never seen that side of. So he ignores it.

But while I can understand where it has come from, it doesnt make him less of a hypocrite imo.

So sorry, op x

This doesn't not suprise me, I'm so sorry for what you went through @tobeindoit

Nah I won’t be reporting. There is no evidence. And I don’t think I should be having to make a good impression on them.

He can’t be that good and honourable if he is able to overlook what your ex did to you, imo.

Doesnt surprise me a bit, you wouldnt believe the personalities of people like the MH lead somewhere or the safeguarding lead somewhere. Even actual professionals, the amount of nutcase psychiatrists and therapists Ive worked with. You cant call it out because they're clever enough to be quite powerful and controlling.

I mean I agree, but it is a shame that he is willing to put what my ex to one side rather than lose a friendship. Not a good look and he must deep down surely know that this is not good or honourable.

A conviction for fraud would have shown on a DBS and should have raised serious concerns about his suitability to be a school governor.

No you shouldn’t need to make a good impression. I meant that if you were going to report that you were going to find it very difficult and to just make sure you are fully prepared so they don’t just dismiss you as a bitter ex.

sorry if it read like I was saying you had to change or try hard etc, it really was just making sure you were careful not to give them ammunition to just dismiss you.

I understand, thank you. I suspect that’s exactly what they’d think.

Cognitive dissonance. ☹️

Stay well out of it. Protect your personal safety at all cost.

If he’s got a history the organisation vetting has not uncovered, the issue rests with the organisation. Their problem.

I could never understand this type of situation. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. If they beat up their ex, why would you try to forget that just because he does other good. People who can do this are strange.

I would absolutely be with you on cutting someone out for associating with an abuser. I do the same with people who would cheat…they’ve shown they’re liars, so why would I want someone untrustworthy in my life. Fortunately I’ve never had the displeasure of dealing with an abuser (except my friends ex so cutting him out was a given) but if I was made aware of someone in my life who was abusive I would be done with them completely.

That is awful, OP. I was also coercively controlled. My GP and Women’s Aid repeatedly told me to report him to the police. I eventually did and specialist officer visited me. She told me that I was not abused. I told her my GP and Women’s Aid both said I was and begged me to contact the police. The officer insisted she was right and they were wrong. She then said she would write up her report and her senior officer would make a decision and call me back. I was going to complain to the senior officer. They never called me.

I deeply regret reporting the abuse to the police because not being being believed put back my recovery by at least 6 months. It took 2.5 years for me to feel like I had turned the corner and was starting to feel better.

perhaps your ex was the senior officer who did not bother to call me????

Op,if you have the inclination,contact the Forces Professional Standards Department (They will have online reporting).They will be very interested in this, trust me.Violence against Women and girls,abuse of position etc is taken seriously,especially if he's a senior officer. Doesn't matter that it's historic,they should still review your report.

God how sickening for you. I can understand how you feel wryly amused though - so typical of this sort of abusive man to seek a position of power like this, particularly in the police force. I'd bet that he abuses his current wife - these men don't change.

We can’t prevent it if we don’t speak up about it. I think we owe it to other women to report any incidents/instances of abuse.
Why wouldn’t he have this job? No one has ever made a complaint about him. So essentially nothing happened.