My abusive ex is now my police force’s domestic abuse lead

[tobeindoit]

I was in an abusive relationship for four years in my early 20s. It was never physical, but he coercively controlled and abused me. He would repeatedly call me a slag and a slut. He made me afraid to speak to my friends. He tried to stop me going out with my family. He controlled what I wore and how I acted. He’d punch walls around my head.

I’ve just read an article about an awful case of domestic abuse, and there he is, quoted as the domestic abuse lead. I don’t know how to feel. I probably should be angry but I almost feel wryly amused. Of course they’ve made an abusive man the domestic abuse lead.

Whistle blow and let them know?

I'd drop an anonymous note to my local Police and Crime Commissioner. And possibly the Chief Constable, and the local news editor.

Absolutely

That's so worrying. I'm sorry you went through that.

I definitely would not want to be in the press. People would know it was me.

He had one brief relationship before me, and as far as I know none after me until he married. I sincerely hope he doesn’t abuse her. I know she’s also a police officer. I don’t want to make my or her life difficult by reporting anything.

I believe you. I'm not surprised. Police officers are very much over-represented in domestic abuse statistics. I've known one get away with using PNC to stalk his ex. Reported and no action was taken. I think the police and crime commissioner is a good suggestion. Internal police investigations just clear these psychopaths.

I’m not sure they’d act on anonymous stories though. And I can see why, it could be vexatious or stirring trouble or anything.

Awful. It really seems to be a split in the police- really decent people that want to help and absolute shitbags that want to throw their weight about and have power.

Yep definitely. Ex joined the force while we were together. It obviously attracts a certain type.

He probably aimed to get the job because he's abusive himself. He probably gets a sick pleasure out of it.

It doesn’t surprise me, they seek out these roles. My ex who sexually assaulted me is now heading up a specialist organisation working in the field of sexual therapy. Thankfully a long way away from me now. I hope you have support around you.

I agree. They get a kick out of it.

Blooody He’ll! What is wrong with these men?

They are wired wrong, I swear.

Completely agree about whistleblowing and letting them know. I know they let guys like this in in the 90's (an ex was similar plus gambling and drugs) but I really thought they were meant to be vetting properly these days.

This 100%

We were together when he joined the force so to be fair to them there would be no evidence of the abuse. I have no idea if he abuses his wife but I hope he doesn’t.

I’d be terrified that somehow it would make my life difficult to whistleblow. I don’t want any sort of comeback from that.

It makes me wonder how he doesn’t worry that I would do it though!

My ex (long criminal record) wasn't allowed to see our children for several years.

He became a governor at their school.

The press will keep you anonymous if you don't consent to being identified. But you don't need to go to that.
Just the organisation he works for, and potentially any associated ones.

What good would that do? They can’t take OP’s word for it, they’ll just class her as a bitter/malicious ex… This is one of the many reasons why police need to be involved whenever someone finds themselves in a scenario like OP used to be in. There needs to be a police record. When I had to apply for legal aid under the domestic abuse gateway, I had to obtain a disclosure of the police involvement we’d had. Without it, I wouldn't have got the legal aid.

If he hasnt ever been arrested or charged with anything they wont know

the police attracts some really evil men.
I’ve met very nice male officers don’t get me wrong but the power attracts some real wronguns. Met them also.
It needs a massive overhaul now, I’ve read some devastating stories on here from wives of men in the force. Obviously it could have been all made up but I don’t think that’s the case. The culture of putting the abusers before the victims is so ingrained in society, why would we expect different in a very male centred role?

How on earth did he get through the DBS?! That is appalling.

But if no formal complaints have been made, how do they know who has behaved like this? How can they do checks?
It's a terrible situation, it's very clear why women wouldn't want to report and put their own safety further at risk.
I'm guessing it's something pyschometric tests might flag up, if they were carried out, but not necessarily.
So how can we prevent abusers being put in positions of power?

People would know it was me though. He hasn’t had many relationships.

I would be too worried about any comeback from contacting the police force.