I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

My parent used to work night

we were fortunate we lived in a Victorian house with thick walls but we still had rules for days after nughts

they slept after school drop off and got up at school pick up

but it was no shouting and friends to play only on days when they were on day shift

my dd used to work in a bakery and did 4am start, I didn’t have friends over on her work nights as then she’d not get an early night at 8am and being on my own could watch tv with head phones and keep the house down

its respectful

OP is not ‘sleeping in’!! They are sleeping. Are you ‘sleeping in’ when you are in bed at night time after working all day?

You say that your partner “knew you did the occasional night before you had your son” - did she actually agree with the switch to permanent nights?

I only ask as I have a friend who told her partner permanent nights absolutely wouldn’t work for their family and he switched anyway as her preferred working 4 nights to 5 days as it suited his hobby better and he preferred more money for less hours. She said very very clearly that the set up wouldn’t work for their household as they have young kids in an house that has very very little soundproofing and the extra money isn’t a necessity. He switched anyway and is now getting very arsey because the house isn’t as quiet as he wants because the kids are home more because of the weather.

Nights need everyone to be onboard and it really doesn’t sound like your partner is onboard

I think they've made it clear the extra money is necessary

They also said that they feel the compromise is them earning less and them having less money, which doesn’t actually suggest not having the extra would be a disaster as it’s not “earning less and not being able to pay the mortgage” or the likes. Hence my asking about their partner and if they’re in agreement about the need.

Get good ear plugs. Silicone ones are good

I feel like everyone is jumping straight to me changing jobs when surely the reasonable thing is for us all to make a few adjustments

Yes but your family isn’t being reasonable. That’s why you’re here.

I'm clearly in the minority here, however I think your partner is being incredibly selfish.
My son works nights and it isn't difficult to keep the noise down. Kids will be kids, their noise is a seperate issue, however it seems as though your partner might be doing this as some kind of protest, due to your work hours. It's OK for her, working a few hours and then coming home....

@JustAnotherWhinger

OP says they need the money here

Yes - if he can’t do nights without wanting the family creeping around in the day. I don’t think the nights or the noise are the real issue - I believe OP is being unreasonable- like many other actual night workers and he can definitely work nights and get used to sleeping with normal household noise. Hence why I said it’s just excuse after excuse. Hundreds of thousands of people work nights - those families are not living in silence for fear of disturbing the sleeping parent - that is not a healthy home environment. If you can’t sleep then have less money and work days. It’s not the family that have the issue it’s the OP. This is my opinion as someone that both worked and lived with another person that does shift work on nights. I would not have my children creeping around the house unable to live, laugh or have friends over. His stepdaughter was watching television downstairs in another floor of the house. He sounds like a twat.

Is the OP a man?

When I was a child my father worked nights and we were very quiet went out when he was asleep, because we saw our family as a team.He was earning for us all.
It's very hard on the body working nights, I think the children can learn they are not always centre of everything and sometimes they have to accomodate other members of the family, especially at age 15!
Personaly I think we are creating a terrible selfish generation who can only think of themselves.
Hope you get a rest at the weekend OP, she is being unreasonable not letting you sleep in.

FWIW, I assumed the OP was a woman because nobody cares about their rest. Still, I am aware that I don't actually know because I haven't seen anything that states either way.

I think your partner is being unreasonable to arrange play dates when you are asleep. However I do think it’s hard to keep children quiet at any time. I presume it’s harder at this time of year as it’s harder for your partner to be out the house due to the weather etc and having to pay for indoor activities. It sounds like you both need to communicate calmly how work/sleep is having an impact on both of your lives.

My Dad worked shifts and being considerate of his need to sleep was a given. I'd be bloody annoyed too.

I worked nights too for many years OP. I get it.

If your partner wants a) to continue working part-time and b) for the bills to be paid, she is being selfish and ridiculous.

She needs sitting down and being told, this isn’t working, what do you actually want?

I’d be tempted the first night you are off nights to put some loud music on when you wake up at 3, and then say “well, I can’t just tiptoe round you, isn’t that what you said?” But that is probably petty.

Her tiptoe comment was ridiculous because I’m sure you all keep the noise down after your 4 YO is in bed because someone is sleeping!

I think you need to be specific with your requests - no TV before school, no shouting up the stairs (we all do it but it’s just laziness because we can’t be bothered to be up and down the stairs all the time. Look at your kids’ routine - who is making the noise? Is the 15YO fairly self-sufficient or is she needing the yelling? If it’s to the 4YO, can her clothes and toothbrush be brought downstairs the night before, on her understanding you’ll put her PJs and toothbrush away when you get up?

Everyone keeps saying we need to compromise but at the moment it feels like the compromise is just meant to be me earning less and us having less money.

No, most people have spotted that it’s irrelevant what your family should do, after two years what you need to concentrate on is what they are doing.

Do you take a family holiday? Tell them it’s cancelled this year so that you can go back to days. See if that shuts them up.

Why on earth is the OP being unreasonable? Would you want the telly on downstairs and people shouting upstairs at 1am-3am every night? It would wreck you, right? Why would the OP be any different?

Absolutely this!

This thread is WILD.

The OP is asking

• for people not to shout
• for people not to slam doors
• for people to keep the TV volume down (not off) or wear headphones whilst watching TV/ gaming
• limit friends over till after lunch

I don't know what kind of barns everyone else is dragging their kids up in, but bar the last, those are normal house rules WITHOUT a night worker in the mix!

A 15yo is 100% able to make compromises of this nature. Maybe she'll feel differently when Netflix is cancelled after Dad's wage drops as he's doing days again!

OP I doubt you're coming back after the crappy responses you've had on here, but yeah, you need to sit down your partner and the 15yo, yes both, and say "I am making £x per month which is covering mortgage, and these things... I am not willing to risk my health by keeping on working nights on no sleep, so either you lot make an effort to be quiet, or I'm quitting nights and we'll no longer afford ABC. Or you, partner, can increase your hours."

How is that unfair?

I did 7pm-7am for 4 years and then my husband used to do the same when I was on Maternity leave. Only person who did nights for a long time can understand this. It hits different. I was at the point when I used to take my kids to the park at winter (3,5 and newborn) for hours that he could sleep at least every second day.
It's not easy when you have small kids, you won't tell baby to stay quiet for half day. However, it's easier with toddler but it takes lots of energy as you need to occupy with games, stories, etc.

I did nights for years. I had blackout curtains and noise blocking ear buds. I bought expensive ones that completely block noise. It makes a huge difference. You do need someone to wake you up or you can plug your phone alarm. Into the ear buds or use bluetooth.
Before noise blocking Id get people mowing, kids shouting outside, dogs barking etc. Its intolerable.
I dont think your partner can expect you to get up before midday on a day off if youve worked all night. Has she tried working all night and then being up all day? Give and take is needed here.

It's a bloody nightmare as a kid having to move around the house like a pantomime thief when a parent works nights and that constant feeling that if you forget then they'll be straight down the stairs banging on about how hard their life is keeping a permanent knot in your stomach. It's awful.

Really - no teen can learn to be considerate? She's going to be an adult in 3 years' time! I'll bet she manages when she's at school; and she will certainly manage to when she is in the workplace.

boo hoo - empty stomach or knot in it?

This thread is bonkers. I hope the OP is a woman. Because otherwise it's just another demonstration of how awful this place can be when they think a man is daring to complain about bad behviour.

Many people find that, difficult as working nights is, it messes with your body and your mind even more to have to keep switching between day and night shifts than just to stick with the nights.