I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

OP says if he works five 8 hour days it won’t bring in the same money as working nights. He also says the extra money is needed for essentials, so I think it’s pretty inconsiderate of his family to act like this when they are benefiting. It seems the hours don’t suit his family, but the money clearly does - they can’t have it both ways. I suspect OP’s family would facilitate better sleep for him pronto if he were to have a short conversation with his wife to tell her he’s going back onto the day shift, and that she needs to increase her hours to make up the shortfall.

Is it normally this noisy, or has it ramped up because it’s half term?

Could you sleep in a different room that isn’t directly above the tv? Put a rug on your bedroom floor as a noise dampener. Hang some pictures on the walls downstairs to absorb noise. More soft furnishings to absorbs noise plus a white noise machine/ear plugs.

Not quite true. The OP said that working five days on day shifts doesn’t bring in as much money as four nights - he would have to work extra on top of that to make ends meet.

Are they definitely crashing around though?

As I say I worked night shifts so I know it's hard to sleep during the day. It's very easy to become hyper sensitive to noise so even a family that are trying their best to be quiet from their perspective could be "crashing around" from the OPs perspective

For example, you do your best to keep the four year old quiet, play quiet games with them, go to the park then on the way back in the 4 year old (or the wind) slams the door by accident and the OP is infuriated by the slamming doors. The teenager usually goes to a friend's house but this time they have the friend round to theirs and the friend wants to play music but they say no they can't do that because their step dad is sleeping so instead they watch TV with the volume down but he comes into the room half asleep and angry because to him it has been booming up through the floor.

I don't know the exact circumstances but having been in a position of needing to sleep in the day I can completely see how perceptions can vary. It is possible to keep a house reasonably quiet but it's miserable trying to keep it silent. It sounds like he has got to the stage where he feels resentful and underappreciated and I suspect it would be hard to notice what the family does do for him when you reach that stage. From the wife's end I can see how she might be getting fed up of never being quiet enough to the point she says actually the rest of the family lives there too.

I don't think necessarily either side needs to be wrong but the people hyping the OP up/almost inferring the wife is some sort of money grabber "happy with the money he brings in" aren't helping.

Yes, quite... and again, I think it's disingenuous when people only look at the number of hours and scoff that it's 'only part time'. It's widely acknowledged that night work takes more of a toll on your body and health than day work... which is why 4 nights a week is the 'standard' equivalent to 5 days.

It's a bit like in the discussions about state pension age rises, where people who work sitting in front of a computer (as do I for the majority of my work) will clearly be able to work more easily for a few more years if they have to, but may fail to understand that somebody in a tiring manual job just simply cannot do the same. And ironically, the latter are the kind of jobs that tend to pay worse, making earlier retirement even more unachievable than for the former.

The wife is working part time and fitting her work around looking after the 4 year old. The OP is working part time nights which pays more but takes more of a toll on his body. I don't think either parent is taking advantage of the other or somehow getting a free ride. Yes the OPs partner earns less but that is clearly connected to the need to provide childcare etc which is also contributing. The OP seems to do less but as you say nights take a bigger toll.

What is clear is the current situation isn't working. They could:

• invest in better earplugs or spins proofing
• the OP switch to days but work more hours to make up the money
• the OP switch to days but the wife works more hours to make up the money while OP takes on more childcare
• the OP switches to days and they reduce spending to account for the lower income

I do think it's unfair for people to be jumping to the idea that because the wife works part time (to look after the child) she is a passenger who should be "grateful" to the OP (I mean ideally in a relationship both people would be grateful to the other as a team but that's not the vibe I get when people talk about the wife not appreciating him). Yes the OP also works hard. Yes he is destroying his long term health and short term mental health. I don't think that's sustainable and it's not the wife's fault.

The wife is not coming up with solutions. She is whining about facilitating OP seep properly.

So all the ear plugs and white noise (and other noise reduction suggestions) are good and OP should try them. In the meantime she also needs to make it clear to the 15 year old that a few hours of being quieter is reasonable, as is quiet activities with the 4 year old.

And if she is going to insist O takes a less well paid route? She can work more hours.

When i worked nights DH never woke me up once And we are in a one bedroom flat so a lot harder.

But aren't you child free @JenniferBooth?
Obviously a sole adult is better able to go about their day quietly.

Yes but i live bang opposite an infant and primary school Right opposite my bedroom

cometsgoat
I can tell some people here have never worked nights. I used to do 12 hour nights and feel your pain.

Okay. But, I mean, how is that relevant to you agreeing with another poster that this dm should and could go to greater lengths to keep her children quiet?

One of them is 15. A choice between a decent Christmas or a more frugal one might focus the mind.

This, your family are being incredibly inconsiderate.

You must get enough sleep including on weekends.

What about actual ear defenders?

But if you can sleep next door to hordes of kids playing outside it is likely that you aren't very noise sensitive. The 15yo may be no more or less noisy than your dp.

Gizlotsmum
The OP gets up at 2pm, then they go to work at 10pm and then awake and working all night. I think that is quite a compromise by them and they are not asking for too much.
Seven hours sleep is not a lot at all compared with how long the OP is awake

I wonder if this soft ear muff would be effective OP?
Wireless Sleep Headphones for Noise Blocking — Ultra Comfortable

elara-london.co.uk/products/wireless-sleep-headphones-for-noise-blocking-ultra-comfortable

So the OP is incredibly selfish and irresponsible for wanting to provide for their family? And they should just leave instead?
They are awake from 2pm and then throughout the night at work.
Had you been at the gin when you typed this?

You sound like a patronising teacher.

My father was a police officer. We were expected, by both parents, to keep it down when he was on nights. This was the 60s/70s. When my husband worked nights, I let him sleep as he needed. I've also worked long night shifts. He said he was always grateful to me for letting him sleep, as a lot of people expected their partner to stay up if they, or the family were home. You are in the right here.

I say LTF.

You sound like twat

You are an absolute idiot. Why are nightshift workers not entitled to 6-8 hours sleep? Literally nurses, paramedics, doctors people with people’s lives in their hands and you say they’re lazy if they have an appropriate amount of sleep, absolutely horrible, inconsiderate, entitled person you are