I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

Overly loud TVs, doors banging and people shouting up the stairs isn't normal household noise. No one in my house works nights, but we still don't have the telly blaring, we are mindful about how we shut doors and we don't yell for people from other rooms. It's just basic decency and manners. Your family need to behave more considerately, towards each other, not just you.
That said, I'd also look into getting better earplugs. Loop, as others have suggested, are meant to be good.
As for you getting up earlier at weekends, I'd suggest she try being up til 6am and actually see how it feels. I think it's still perfectly possible for you to have a nice family weekend – she could do things and spend 'just-them' time with the kids earlier in the day and then you all do something together later.

i used to work an absolute bonkers shift schedule (split was: 07:30-13:00 followed by 21:00-07:30, sleep day (after 14:00 you often had to do other tasks but "sleep day" lasted until 14:00), days: 13:00 - 21:00, split, sleep day, day off, days...

It was absolutely knackering. And often military training fell on our day off until after 4 in a row our troop OC finally persuaded the colonel to put it on Saturdays so EVERYONE had a banjaxed day off (and boy the mon-fri day workers whined and bitched about that)

BUT: in the single accommodation, people paid attention to people sleeping off nights on the whole.

I haven't assumed the op is a man. And yes, I'd have taken the empty stomach. Not that the op has inferred the difference between day shifts and night shifts is the difference between eating and not eating. The op has said they could work more hours on day shifts to earn the same but they don't want to.

yeah, sure you would have wanted a childhood of hunger. Got it.

She is fairly contributing, when she isn’t working she is picking the DC up from school and caring for them. It sounds like she does the vast majority of childcare if the OP is sleeping through most of the weekend too. I would hate this arrangement and I think I’d end up divorced if this was what my family life looked like.

That being said, I agree they should look at using wraparound care to enable partner to work full time and the OP to go back to day shifts. I’m sure everyone, including the Op, would end up happier.

he should divorce her, to be honest, then go on days to accommodate visitation of his child.

My Dm worked permanent nights and I just grew up knowing that I had to keep the noise down until 3 (when she got up). It wasn't a problem, it's just a part of what my childhood looked like.
It's not an unreasonable request for a household to be mindful of the noise up until 2

Asking the entire family to alter their behaviour for 6 hours everyday to accommodate a choice on your part is unreasonable.

It sounds like your working pattern just isn't compatible with your current stage of life and circumstances, and the whole situation sounds like a recipe for resentment on both sides.

So you have to decide, is sacrificing the extra money and your preferred working pattern something you need to do to make it work for the family unit. For a few years at least until the family dynamic changes.

Just like how your partner works only limited hours to cover childcare, sacrificing the opportunity to work full time, earn more money and build a career, etc.

I think this is it: so many people who have never worked nights just cannot fathom what it's like in reality - that your sleep in the day is the direct equivalent of their sleep at night. Whatever you would or wouldn't need when you sleep is exactly the same for them when they sleep. It isn't just having a relaxing lazy weekend lie-in, or the result of going out on an all-night bender.

I'd say it's not completely dissimilar in a way to the attitude that many people used to (even still do) have to women working: that because 'proper, normal' working is something that men do, she must be doing a fun little thing to give her an excuse to get out of the house and earn herself some pin money.

You would really have chosen to be feel permanently hungry, rather than to just learn to turn the TV down a bit and not stomp around slamming doors? Even at 15?!

I had younger siblings I was expected to keep quite. All the responsibility and absolutely no power to make it happen. It was a childhood through a minefield, trying not to wake the Kraken. I couldn't eat anything anyway, I was very underweight.

Only person who did nights for a long time can understand this. It hits different.

I’ve never done more than 2 weeks of full nights in a row, but If OP’s family stopped for a moment to consider they would understand that the pay is greater for a reason.

I have worked nights. The children deserve to be able to live in their home, he needs earplugs and to suck it up. The op has said he could work days but would have to work more hours and doesn’t want to.

Perhaps OP’s wife should work more hours instead?

I'm genuinely sorry that that was your experience; but OP's partner is not a child who is expected to parent her younger siblings - she is an adult and their actual parent. Also, the 15yo is only expected to show basic respect and consideration in allowing her step-parent to sleep after working to earn money to house and provide for her - which is not something that most 15yos would be unable to comprehend by their age.

Also, OP has never said that he/she expects silence; just for people to not make excessive noise - and then to call him/her selfish for needing to sleep, just like they do themselves.

I just think it is a bad set up for family life, if it is avoidable. Which was my point when I started and before there was hyperbole about starvation.

Sure, but he works 8 hours 4 days a week. That’s a part time load. His partner is part time around childcare and he is part time, why does he get to be part time but not around childcare? I have spent years of my life working double that, and when I worked nights when I had children I was the one getting up with my 2yo and getting them to childcare. If he wants to do only 4 days and work days and have his partner step up he had better also be getting up with the 4yo.

It's really incredibly difficult to keep kids quiet whilst someone works nights. But, if you're going to continue working nights then they need to let you sleep and try their best to be quiet.
You say it suits you, why? Just as in money? It doesn't suit the rest of your family. It's really hard having someone sleep and you need to be quiet - if the family have agreed to you working nights, then they need to respect that you need your sleep. If you have just decided that's what you prefer, that's a different thing altogether.
Also, you only work 32 hours a week. If you worked full time hours then you could work days and not have it disrupt the family?

do you know what a bad set-up for family life is? not being able to pay the rent, or choose between heating and eating, explaining to your kids why they need to make their shoes a last just a bit longer etc etc

Not saying this would happen - but if there is a move towards that if he stops nights and works 5, 8 hour days - who is going to make up the shortfall? "i have to take DS to school" is a bad excuse for not working more, imo. Especially if your choice was to ask DH to decrease his wages.

She says I should get better earplugs

She's right.

You think white noise might be worth a go you suppose, but you really would rather everyone curtail their daily life to solve a problem you haven't really tried to solve yourself?

Until you try to noise proof your sleep, you're moaning for no reason and making your issue everyone else's to solve. I'd be out of patience with you too.

Get some better ear plugs, Mack's are good, use white noise (this can be a fan on high setting pointing away from you, use your imagination), eye mask, all the basic regular things people do when they're trying to improve their sleep. This doesn't require building work or great expense. You're making excuses.

You're not the only magical fairy in the forest with a sleep issue, deal with it like a grown up.

The op has said that they could work more day time hours to maintain the standard of living in the home. As another pp mentioned, there may be options for the op's partner to work differently too - although that was not mentioned by the op.

I'm not sure why you are rolling in with some kind of Angela's Ashes day working alternative reality?

The OP would have less time with family than they do now which is also a problem for partner.

I’ll give my perspective as a child with a light sleeping parent who did night shifts. It was awful. My mother was unable to sleep in the day, I would spend the day creeping around, trying to close doors as quietly as possible. I would climb in and out of windows to avoid doors that might wake her up. I once considered peeing in the garden to avoid the chance of waking her. I didn’t do it.

To be clear she was a great, and in no way abusive mother. She worked as a nurse and simply could not cope with night duty. She simply wasn’t able to sleep during the day. I am currently able to sleep at any point as I exhausted by two children, but everyone is different.

I think my point is to remember that the issue might be your inability to sleep in the day and maybe night duty isn’t for you.

Are you OP’s wife ?

Absolutely this.