I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

I am being realistic! And it’s the morning that the problem not the afternoon. What is wrong with teaching a child they have to play quietly, not slam doors and to either watch the tv quietly or use headphones? Kids have to learn they are not the centre of the universe and that other people have needs too. A four year can manage to understand that they need to be quiet. And yes in the holidays play dates are an option, as is just getting out of the house in the morning. A nice walk, a trip to the park, soft play, going to the library, there are many options other than being tied to the house.

I've tried all the earplugs mentioned on this thread and they didn't work for me. I finally found some that do, but even they don't block out the snoring from DP completely. So to combat that I also wear a snoozeband playing white noise on my phone. You can get cheap ones on Amazon. You do need to try different earplugs though.

Having said that, when my DP is on nights I do quiet things around the house-no loud TV, no vacuuming, no drilling and so on. Or I go out. He won't wear earplugs, which annoys me because I think all parties should be doing everything to ensure that everyone is getting the sleep they need. He doesn't complain about noise though.

I grew up having to be quiet in the day when my dad was on nights, so I'm used to it. It really isn't a big deal for the family to be considerate of your sleep needs, but compromise is required on both sides.

Oddly enough, the extra money from making the sacrifice of working antisocial hours DOES seem to work for the family, though.

I suppose it's up to OP's partner, really - either she and her teenage DD can learn to be considerate, and teach the young one to do so too; or otherwise, she can find a way of earning the shortfall of OP having to go days by working more herself.

What she cannot do is both enjoy the benefit of OP working antisocial hours, meaning that she doesn't have to work as many hours herself AND get to crash around without any consideration as to when he/she needs to sleep in order to be able to work those hours.

YABU - tour expecting 3 other people including a child so change how they live in their own home during the day. Working nights really isn't great for family life and I'd the money is needed then you need to find a way to sleep that doesn't affect them. Better ear buds, white noise etc

Could you get better earplugs and a noise machine?

my dad worked nights when I was younger and we all had to tiptoe around. It was pretty miserable. I agree there should be curtesy eg no slamming doors shouting etc, but normal life like running appliances, chatting, watching TV etc should go on.

I know it's become something of a cliche to even ask the question on MN, but I do wonder if responses would be different if the situation were exactly the same but if it were a female OP working nights as the main family breadwinner (and I'm aware that OP may indeed be female, but everybody is assuming a man) and her male partner and his teenage DS from a previous relationship wanting to make as much noise as they liked, and being annoyed at 'having to tiptoe around her' whilst she 'selfishly chooses' to work nights.

Silicone earplugs (they take a bit of getting right) and either a speaker or Alexa with white noise. Fan noise is particularly good.

Everyone I know who has a partner on nights takes the kids out in the day to let them sleep

I mean you should get really good ear plugs, eye mask and a white noise ms gone, but equally others have to be considerate that you need sleep. I get that it’s hard for your partner to keep the house quiet, especially on weekends but I take it you don’t work nights shift every weekend so if her dd wants to have friends over they should make it a weekend you’re not working.

It was a reply to someone Has that been prohibited on here now?

If the sound is coming up through the floor.. depends what kind of flooring you have. You can get sound proofing from B and Q.. and also some rugs would help.
Black Friday is coming up, maybe you could find some bargains for the white noise box.
And the sound proofing panels are not too hard to put up. Lots of You Tubes Also at B and Q but there are probably cheaper places.

I think it would be a good investment, if it makes life a bit more bearable for both sides. It's definitely worth a try. You don't seem to have any suggestions yourself and I understand the cost .. but you could do it month by month.

But your DW sounds a bit selfish if she allows them to shout and bang doors. She should take them out more in the school holidays.
Sorry, it sounds really hard for you. It's a tricky balance for everyone in your household tho.
Maybe if they saw you put some of these measures in place, they would try harder too.

Noise cancelling earbuds are fantastic for dealing with background noise. Play a sound track of your choice (white noise, audio book, music) and you won’t hear them at all.

Of course they should keep the noise down.

When I was a kid, a dad of one of my best friends worked nights. I remember us getting absolutely bollocked for waking him up by being noisy - rightly so.

We learned to be more considerate after that.

I think you need to look into soundproofing better in terms of TV. It shouldn't be impossible to watch TV without waking someone. Then maybe do an experiment and have them decide what volume they consider too high when they are trying to sleep and that's the agreed volume the TV doesn't go over during the day. If someone breaks that agreement, that's fine you get up and you can remove the TV from the house until they are ready to try again. Slamming doors isn't OK either but you could possibly look at adjusting the doors a bit to create a softer close. Again get the family to tell you what is or isn't an acceptable noise for them. You might need to put down more rugs, or make other changes, also maybe suggest switching bedrooms? They are being inconsiderate in slamming and shouting but at the same time they shouldn't be expected to tip toe silently, you need to work together to compromise or threaten to change shifts and you'll all lose money.

Find it selfish, my dh also does 4 nights a week and the kids know that daddy needs sleep once home be cause he has been working hard. Three of ours are under five and they know once daddy goes to bed we whisper for a wee while and do not go upstairs but play downstairs. When he wakes he will yell and they all fly upstairs for there hugs and tickles off him. Just the way it is, we can't live without money, best is night shift and because dh gets his proper sleep he is fine on his days off which the kids love. If the weather is nice I make the decision to take them picnics, parks etc so house is totally silent for a few hours to. A good partnership is giving and taking in the right amounts

You need to put some effort into protecting your own sleep - Loop ear plugs, eye mask, white noise

DH has recently overhauled his approach to sleep. He uses gel / moldable ear plus that seem to work really well. He wears a thick, padded eye mask which really blocks out the light. And he has a weighted blanket instead of a duvet (we are same bed, separate duvets). Our apartment is small with two teenage boys coming and going at all hours and this means he can get a good sleep without constantly moaning at them to be quiet.

My mum worked nights when I was a kid and we were expected to be as quiet as possible, which we were. No TV blaring / shouting.

Your partner resents you working nights and the impact it has on her/ the family. Did you discuss it with her beforehand and she agreed? If so then she is being unreasonable not ensuring sufficient quiet for you to sleep til 2 - that’s still only 6.5hrs rest for you, so you’re not asking a lot, but if she didn’t want you to do it, and you did it anyway, justifying the impact on your family over the wknd with the fact it brings in more money, then I can understand why she’s pissed off.

This, you don’t seem to want to find a solution or compromise at all.

Well im with you on this. I think its reasonable to try and keep the noise down when someone is sleeping, no matter what time of day it is. It's about respect for someones rest, ehich is important.

Tv needs to stay on speaking volume not louder, no adults shouting (4 yo shouting you cant control) and no banging doors. Also they could be out in the mornings for a few hours if they wanted to. Playground, shopping etc.
And you need good earplugs. Thats all.

My partner could do more hours in theory but then someone has to sort the school runs and our youngest.

If she did work more hours would you wnat to take on this role or is she expected to work part time by default bc she’s the mother? While she’s working part time she’s not able to build up as good a pension pot as you and is prevented from finding a job she may really enjoy and progress in. Do you recognise the sacrifice she is making so you can progress in yours? This is the shit side to being a SAHM or the default PT worker that ppl don’t seem to recognise and take for granted this is the way it should be.

Everyone keeps saying we need to compromise but at the moment it feels like the compromise is just meant to be me earning less and us having less money.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve had a proper discussion about this with your partner. This is what you think and you’ve made the decision, which affects your entire family. it’s not clear whether she agrees, or is happy about it - it would seem not. Has she been allowed to voice her opinions and the pair of you discuss the pros and cons? If she hasn’t been involved in the decision-making process bc you’re of the opinion that you’re obv in the right over this then she is going to be resentful and you being right will be neither here nor there.

Sorry op i don’t think this sounds like it can continue for anyone tbh.

I have a 6 year old and there is no way I would be able to keep him quiet for that long all the time, especially in school holidays. I would constantly have to remind him.

So while i completely understand it sounds like they could be more considerate, i’m not sure it is realistic.

Also a lot of extra pressure on your partner to keep them quiet as well as solo parenting while you’re alseep.

I would sit down with your partner and have a proper discussion about whether this is working, and if you need to go back to day shifts, exactly what the financial impact would be and how she may need to pick up more work or sacrifice in other ways.

I am sorry for you, it must be a dilemma. You can't go on like that, something has to give.

You all need to compromise, them being a bit quieter and you finding ear plugs that work for you and a white noise machine. It sounds like you all need to be more thoughtful.