I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

This is good advice if you and your partner corporately decide you both want to make this work. The discussion and decision which she feels she was an equal party to are the first step. If she agrees to trying to keep this work pattern going then there are various gadgets that prevent door slamming. Some actually prevent the door from closing at all with a pad that clips to the door, others absorb the shock with a narrow strip placed where wood meets wood. Just put "anti door slam pad" into a search engine

Working permanent nights is a sacrifice in itself OP and if it’s necessary to pay for essentials then they need to work with you. I would be having a frank conversation with your partner and tell her that if she’s not prepared to consider your need for sleep then you will change back to day shifts and she will have to increase her hours to make up the shortfall. It’s not rocket science. Your family need and benefit from the extra money you working nights brings in. You need to be able to sleep when you come home from work, or you can’t continue to do what you do.

Why on earth the need for all this ? Why can’t OP’s family recognise that he’s working to support them and make the effort themselves ? Consideration for the needs of other is surely a life lesson.

Nope. You are being completely unreasonable. To do night shift and live with others, in any situation, you literally need to be able to sleep through a brass band playing next to your bed. I did it as a preferred shift (prob worked out to roughly 80% of the time) for years in a busy household with several kids but was already well trained by then. My issue was swinging between shifts when I had to but it was still doable but not my preference.

Sounds like you need to go onto days.

This. 100%. We’re talking about basic consideration for others here. If OP’s partner can’t instil this in her kids and ensure that he gets some peace to sleep then it shouldn’t come as a surprise to her when he refuses to do it any longer and she has to find the shortfall.

In which case his partner will have to increase her hours to make up the shortfall if the extra money OP earns is paying for essentials.

It's the only solution unless your partner develops some empathy and works with you. It doesn't sound like that is likely from what you've said, though.

Your are not being at all unreasonable and your family are being unfair and unkind. The kids really should be more understanding too. The fact the 15 year old invites a friend over before 2 shows how inconsiderate they all are.

Easy to say everyone should be considerate but no house with a 4yr old or a teen is going to be.
I suggest better ear plugs or learn to sleep thru noise.
Prehaps work days and be there for the mornings
A less grumpy household is worth more than income.

The OP is not asking his family to creep round , in silence. He is asking for a bit of consideration while he sleeps. If it was the woman working nights and the husband had the TV blaring and was shouting up the stairs, he would be called all kinds of names on here.

My DH and I both work occasional nights, so I've got experience being the sleeper and the tip toer. It's horrible when you get woken up. However it's also the biggest pain to tip toe around. It's so stressful trying to stop any noise being made, just when it's quiet someone will drop something or accidently laugh loudly. I've done things like take my kids to play at a playground at 7pm to get them out of the house.

You just have to change jobs. Yes it's extra money but it doesn't work for family life. I could earn loads working on an oil rig, fly in fly out mining work, or as a criminal, but I've got kids so I earn less at a regular job.

Family sound unreasonable but I would try better earplugs.
You can actually buy made to measure earplugs to minimise the sound to different levels to suit circumstances from high street companies dispensing hearing aids.

I’d be saying to your partner if she doesn’t like it then she can go full time and you’ll change to day shifts and she’ll have to make up the loss in income

always annoying when the non working/less working half of the relationship is the one moaning and griping and trying to dictate

I sympathise.I worked nights for 30 years, (nursing)4 dks. It was necessity. Ex H, got us into debt,ugly divorce, left me with a lot of debts Equivalent to about £100k in todays money. Met now 2nd dh,mortgage rate was very high in the 80s. Starting a mortgage in your 50s is hard! I worked nights,so there was no childcare costs,I was around in case of illness, never missed a sports day, assembly. My last ward hours were 9pm to 7.15 am,perfect. By the time I retired it was 7.30 pm to 8 am.Got the youngest into bed. Hospital was only 12 miles away. Home,(couldn't afford 2 cars) dh left for work,he took oldest as to school, I took younger 2 walked dogs to school, home across fields,bed. I never slept more than 3 hours, I just couldn't sleep. I had a proper sign on the door "Night shift please do not disturb ",and people still did!! I had ear plugs,blackouts curtains,eye mask. In hot weather, took a sun lounger down the garden under an oak tree. DH took kids out, or outside,they knew to be quiet. (I did get,sometimes "but you're at home all day" not working weekends, bank holidays, Christmas wasn't an option. It went with the job.

7:30 is very early for the chatter of the day to cease though. I understand your point and in an ideal world yes you earning more is helpful therefore its good to sleep, but that leaves just a few evening hours for everyone to behave naturally then its TV turned right down etc.

My mum's house is a 30s semi is solid, but you can still hear the TV on in the bedroom upstairs, even when it's not super loud. Unless you have a huge house where your bedroom is far from TV then earplugs and white noise is the answer, you sound like you've been woken so much you're now hyper vigilant for noise. I know how it is, I lived above a bistro for a while and their speakers were in the ceiling so I could hear their music all the time, it made me so triggered by even small noises and I swear I could hear it more than my husband as I was almost listening for it.

The fact remains however that if normal family noises (not shouting) are waking you, then its either a new job or do more to soundproof your room, white noise machine and wax earplugs all the way. I'm amazed you can hear a tv downstairs with wax earplugs wedged in, I have some that block out stuff happening in same room!

I think this nails it. The money earned by working night shifts pays for the essentials. That doesn’t sound negotiable - they only making ends meet because OP facilitates it. If his partner has so little respect for that then he should switch back to days and she can increase her hours to make up the shortfall. If a woman posted here in the same situation posters would be tearing her partner to shreds.

If you're going to do this long term, would it be feasible to build a small garden office? That way you have complete control of your environment and the rest of the family can lead a normal life?

I don't know, that's what I'd have to do as I think even the anticipation of the TV going on or shouting would keep me awake.

WHERE did I say outlawing ALL nights

im talking about outlawing 5 nights out of 7 continuous nights!! At least break up the shift eg 2 days and 2 nights like many places do

Im talking supermarket nights as well ( I’m looking at you Morrisons)

Read my post again

Nobody needs to be shouting. ‘Shouting up and down the stairs’ is a learned behaviour and habit. It can be unlearned. The risk is they’ll go running up and down the stairs loudly instead, rather than think ahead and communicate what’s necessary while in the same room.

How many years did you work nights? As someone that has done it for my whole career I don’t agree with OP and them thinking the family should be quiet until 2pm in the day. As yju used to work nights you know it did not suit you so you don’t anymore. They need to get on with it or go to days with the financial hit. Simple- OP is unreasonable in my opinion with 25+ yrs of experience

So presumably you think that if he has to go back on days and the reduced wage means they can no longer make ends meet, that his partner will have to increase her hours to make up the shortfall ?

When my DH worked nights and it fell on a weekend, I would head out with the children for a couple of hours if it wasn’t raining.
Otherwise the kids knew that their Dad was upstairs sleeping and stayed downstairs unless needing the toilet.
We always aimed to try and give him a good 6 hours of sleep, after that the house did return to normal in the afternoons.
There must be a compromise somewhere, they shouldn’t be shouting, running up and down the stairs but you also need decent ear plugs etc
I guess it’s only an issue if your shifts fall on a weekend/school holiday.

People have such a selfish attitude to night workers and I wonder how they would feel if it directly affected them?

If people just changed their shifts or gave up their jobs so their families could make unnecessary noise then what would happen to the surgeons saving lives doing emergency operations?
Imagine if they had limited sleep and couldn’t function properly because their children couldn’t turn down the tv?

What about the pilots that work nights and need a decent rest to operate? Would you be happy to know your plane is being flown by someone who had no sleep because it would be selfish for their kids to be a bit quieter?
Or how about nurses, police, soldiers, supermarket shelf stackers, care workers, fire fighters…
Society depends on night workers and would literally not manage without them but they are classed as selfish and lazy and are expected to just accept being disturbed.
If all of them were advised to change their shifts to suit their family then who would do it?

I worked an essential night job as an emergency services operator for 17 years and there was so little respect for my need to sleep.
I’d have to turn off my phone because people would always call me.
My family would criticise me for being lazy and “sleeping the day away” it didn’t matter if I’d gone to bed at 8am for some reason people see being awake early in the morning as a virtue and sleeping in the day as lazy.
You would be surprised at how much life goes on at night, most of my friends work nights and we would go to 24 hour supermarkets and restaurants and society doesn’t just shut down, people assume everyone is asleep but lots of people are living their lives but just back to front.

I got so fed up of it that if I finished in the early hours of the morning I’d make noise or deliberately wake the household up, when they complained saying they needed their sleep I’d reply that so did I and two hours wasn’t enough and ask my DH how would he feel going to work now after 3 hours sleep?

I have ADHD and am naturally nocturnal so had no issues sleeping for a decent length of time during the day if I wasn’t disturbed. There is so much noise already with life going on around you that household noise just adds another layer.
Nights suit a lot of people with irregular sleep patterns but they still need the right conditions to fall asleep.

I wish everyone would go on strike for a night to prove how much we are needed. If you were having a heart attack and no one answered your 999 call then I’m sure you’d wish you’d just been a bit more considerate.

We have both those types of person in my house. They'd be told to be quiet and They'd listen. Especially the teen who can understand where money comes from

Could you try putting a powerful fan on in the bedroom to block out all the noise?