Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

This is ridiculous, the husband is working. OPs mother is retired and offered a sandwich

No, the consensus is ask for the help you need because people will assume you have it covered.

I work full time- long hours

As do many of my friends. That applies to them too!

I totally agree her mother should help out more though

You have a husband. Yu have school aged children not newborns. Why on earth is he "run ragged"?!

He can make you a lunchbox each day and a flask if you're struggling that much.

If you need help then ask, I wouldn't be offering anything to someone in your situation unless you asked. I would assume your husband was a capable adult.

I would assume that my friend was fine, if they had a partner. I would expect the partner, to sort out a flask of tea/coffee, leave sandwiches/ food that they made in easy reach, sort you out with snacks etc. I wouldn't think to offer any assistance with these sorts of things, just see if they wanted some company if I was off work. Hope things improve quickly 😊

OP I get it. When you are not well and feeling miserable you need a bit of tlc.
I don't actually think there is anything practical that your DH could not manage, unless he is useless.
But I think your mum and anyone could have popped round during the day to see you.

As a way of achieving help yes asking seems to be what HAS to happen here.

It doesn't change what OP posted though that unthinking uncaring friends and family are shitty to experience - simple empathy would be enough to suggest help rather than waiting to be asked.

Or assuming, because it's easier and lazier, that without being asked all is well.

I totally agree her mother should help out more though

Help with what though?

Kids, housework, cooking?

Or making & having lunch with Op & keeping her company for a time?

Or assuming, because it's easier and lazier, that without being asked all is well.

Yes, assuming because she has a partner to look after her and her mother around the corner. Most of us have jobs and childcare responsibilities of our own !

If it was my daughter I'd pop round to keep her company and make her lunch but I also dont understand why her husband cant leave her a lunch and a flask of tea- it would take literally 10 mins in the morning

He sounds completely useless frankly

....and that sounds to you the optimum way to experience your recovery when you have friends or family?

So support when you have to haul yourself to the toilet, just safe reassurance, hot food, fresh drinks etc...that's all just luxury ?

Treat this like a Bear Gryhls adventure, some kind of feat of endurance?

So you are saying her friends should leave work to take her to the toilet?

Aw op, I sympathise. Is there no way you can spend the day on the same floor as a toilet? Trying to do stairs sounds brutal. I do think you need to ask for help. Get your DH to make up food and drinks for the day for you before he goes to work. Ask your mum for help too, she is probably just not thinking you need it. Most friends and family are working I would imagine, and/or assume with your DH and mum nearby you are fine. Again, if you need something, you need to holler, that’s the bottom line, feeling sorry for yourself, and getting bitter about it, will get you nowhere. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm asking how you imagine that is happening safely? If OP can be left with a flask and sandwich?

You are assuming friends work full time...why?

Hi OP, I really feel for you, I'm layed up with a broken femur at the moment. I get how lonely it is, I don't have alot of support either

Because most working age adults work full time in this economy.

Why would you assume they have all this free time?

I haven't RTFT and sorry you're experiencing this but your community probably all just assume that with advances in medical technology, you'd be armed with a moon boot and away you'd go.

We often forget that breaking a bone is bloody painful and obviously we don't know HOW you broke your leg but you are probably processing that trauma as well as the whirlwind of navigating around your home and getting kids sorted.

OP, you will find your rhythm in navigating stairs and toileting/moving around your house. With the kids and school, ask the class Whatsapp groups if anyone can lean in and have kids for playdates or whatever. And do make a plan now for half term as sitting at home with you is a non-starter.

Well yes, I like my daughter & would want to spend time with her.

Might help with the odd think if I wanted to but I wouldn't expect to have to help tbh.

I’m the same as you if a friend had messaged to say they’d broken their leg, you know, “oh god I’m sorry to hear that, please give me a shout if there’s anything I can do to help and in the meantime I hope you recover well,” and that’s about it. If I didn’t get a direct message like “please could you pick Timmy up and take him to cubs along with your own dd” then I might not think to go out of my way to offer. Not because I don’t give a shit about my friends but because if I knew she had a dh I would probably presume that he was taking care of the kids alongside working his job. As most women i know would be doing if their dh had broken a leg.
I’m always more than happy to jump in and help if asked but I have my own logistics to figure out so if you need something from me I’d just want you to be direct.

Op could you ask for or buy a bedside commode? Dh could empty it after work.

Honestly, it wouldn’t occur to me that somebody with a broken leg and a DH at home would need help. I’m not saying you don’t need help, but you can’t expect people to read your mind. I would assume once the cast was on you would be okay getting around even if a little slower and could still do daily activities; that might be wrong but having never broken my leg it’s what I’d assume.

If you want help then ask for it, be honest about what you are finding hard and ask your friends/ family if they can support. Be specific about what you need help with. I would be more than happy to help friends/ family in your situation but I probably wouldn’t have offered much help as I didn’t realise a broken leg could be so debilitating. People won’t know what you need unless you tell them and YABU to be annoyed nobody is supporting you if you haven’t even asked for it.

Surely to bloody god grown adults should be offering help, nobody should have to be asking. No bloody manners or compassion is an awful way to be.

@Currentlylaidup you're obviously distressed at the lack of support from those you expect to be more thoughtful. Would they see you as very independent / potentially a bit prickly in respect of help etc? Or are they just a bit selfish/insensitive?
PPs have suggested some practical things to help with some aspects of your day. Maybe you could send a generic message (maybe set up a Whatsapp group if they use it?) to all who would be in a position to help setting out exactly what you need and when and asking if they can commit to some help until you're out of plaster?
If they don't reply or say no then sadly that's your answer.

It takes a village. I didn't ask my mate to tidy the house, she drove up to see me and while she made me lunch and chatted she tidied up and hoovered and dusted. So kind. Village mum friends popped in with healthy lunches for me out of kindness. As I said, my lovely husband was at work every day so couldn't walk our youngest to and from school or make me lunches, but there was no need as people just stepped up without being asked. It was only 2 or 3 weeks when I really couldn't weight bear & everyone rallied round.

Neither I nor DH were mortified - why should we be? Kindness and caring are not subjcts for shame or mortification, far from it. I think your own mum not lifting a finger to help in times of need is far more shameful.

@Currentlylaidup hasn't even said what she wants these other people to do other than her mom come over and make her a cup of tea.

The days of most women staying home to housewife and being available for helping with home activities of daily living and childcare and transport and doing housework for a friend with a health issue are gone. Like so many have said, life today for families consists of working parents who can't take time off and don't have spare time to take on any more tasks. Her friends can't drive her kids around when they've got their own kids to get to and from school and activities. They might not even have space in their cars for more kids. That is something her mother could help with, but OP won't ask her. She's got a husband and it's his time to step up. It's also time to start involving the oldest. They can get their mom a glass of water or a snack or other chores and at school age, they're old enough to start having chores. Maybe the husband could ask some of his friends for help.