Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

Sounds bloody awful OP. I hope you have a speedy recovery. I think in meantime, can you message your mum and family/friends who live close by and ask for specific help: laundry/ironing, some housework/chores, school run, bit of meal prep? Do you have a class WhatsApp group to ask for help with school run? I know that the parents on my DCs class WhatsApp groups were wonderful with stepping up to help each other - we'd all muck in and coordinate help for those who needed it.

A couple of my best friends have been in and out of hospital over past few years: I tell them to let me know what they need help with...however I will also often just get on and clean house/do laundry for them, sort childcare, take them shopping/drive them about or go make them some batch meals for their freezers etc (but I can do this with them as I've known them since the Stone Ages - I'd feel less inclined to do to others in case they think I'm interfering etc).

I hate asking for help. I just assume people would realise how difficult things are and offer practical help?

Why? you live with your husband and your mum is just around the corner.
I would assume your husband would be doing childcare and helping with meals/showering etc - thats his job as your husband surely?? 🙄

It would be different if you lived completely alone but I certainly wouldnt assume that my friend who lived with her husband required full on help from me!

I say that as someone who broke their femur aged 29, lived in a 4 storey shared house at the time and did everything on my own (it just took a long time is all on crutches) 🤷‍♀️

Oh wait, I just realised you haven't bothered asking anyone, but are having a melt down because they're not telepathic.

Well yes, of course you simply have to ask people, as they have their own lives, and unless they have experienced your exact set of circumstances won't think about any limitations you have and have their own chores and duties to get on with, daily. They also cannot possibly know who else might be assisting you and won't offer to put themselves out for you unless you ask - why should they?

Also, again, they're not telepathic, how are they supposed to know what you specifically want them to do?

So just ask them.

Right. My husband is always my caregiver if I'm sick, and vice versa. Everyone would assume the same.

This is your downfall. Please just ask, they won’t know as they may think others are already helping you.

Again please just ask. it will help you

Also you say this OP: My husband works fulltime and is often in the office.

Doesnt the same apply to your friends? all my friends work full time too so they wouldnt be able to just drop everything either

I'm going to say this kindly. Because you hate asking for help and do t often ask, they are assuming you are fine and don't need it. Trust me I know. I've been through a year of illness and hated to ask for help but you just have to. Assuming people don't care when you've not asked is unfair. It's hard but please ask, I'll bet you'll be glad you did.

I have absolutely been that person -- I had pins in my leg and a giant cast up to my hip, and had to keep off my feet for six weeks before I could start to go around on crutches. And I have also been the person who was pregnant, living alone for weeks at a time (I worked in another country for most of my pregnancy), and had SPD, and couldn't get up and down the stairs to the bathroom. I still had to ask for help, rather than assuming other people were psychic.

I agree with this post, it sounds like you have a husband who is a fully functioning adult, your friends and family probably assume he is taking care of it. I'm sure if you asked for something specific they would help.

Then they are not very thoughtful! It’s hard to do a full time job, then come home and take over the cleaning, cooking, and looking after role. The husband is hardly going to admit he can’t hope. If your friend was in the position of the OP wouldn’t you phone her or drop in with something nice, and offer anyway? People have become so hard!

Same here, but even so a bit of help from others would be appreciated

Would I run around to do all her cooking and cleaning every day because her husband "couldn't cope"? are you serious?

No, I would bloody not. I would expect my friend's husband was a capable grown adult to be able to cook and clean for his own family. He's not a child FFS

Good grief, leave it all to the women eh?

Well I can only speak for my own experience, but when I broke my shoulder I was still able to wash and dress myself, buy and prepare food, go to work on public transport, feed my cat, and travel to the other end of the country.

I'm not saying it was all easy, but would have been much harder with a broken leg as well!

They do not realise. They slso aren’t sure that offers will be welcomed, and they fear looking stupid. They also might offer the wrong thing.

Make a list of what you need, limit it to a specific time period, and tell people that you need assistance please. Let them then pick what they can offer.

How are your friends supposed to know what you need unless you ask? People really aren't mindreaders, and you have a partner. They probably don't want to impose. Just ask.

They don’t sound thoughtful at all but I find you have to spell it out to people when you need help ie: I’m going to need you to pick the kids up, if you can, for the next few weeks as I can’t weight bear and dh is run ragged. Also get a commode and a wheelchair if you have the space.

Of course you wouldn’t be expected to do all her cooking and cleaning! If you were a friend I would expect you to ask and offer any help needed. In my case we were both retired so he was here all the time, still hard though. I’m sure OP’s husband does his best , but a little help is worth a lot of pity, as the saying goes!

Why are people being so shitty?

I agree, it can be really hard to ask for help and a large part of you will feel sorry for yourself because no one has stepped up. Saying "let me know if you need anything" is rather different to calling round and saying "What do you need?"

I dread to think of breaking my leg. I have lots of steps, no partner and no family nearby. Shudder.

Hope you heal quickly OP and that your friends and family rally round better. Think it's time to be more direct isn't it?

Why can't dh pick up the kids?
Sorry the run ragged sounds like a man child. Lots of us work full time and do everything else as well.

I would help when I could but her husband needs to step up - cleaning and cooking and looking after kids after work is what most of us do every flipping day, I dont see why its so difficult for him to do that when millions of women do that without help every single day.

Tbh I've experienced friends close ranks with their partner and children, that being enough for them. I'm not going to offer help without being asked as I'm not interested in being rebuffed. I will help with what I can if asked.

Quite.

Definitely ask for help! I am really bad at not asking for help and then when I talk to a friend retrospectively about how much I struggled they are horrified I didn’t ask them for help. I’m guilty of just putting on a brave face and forging through but I’m trying to ask for help more when I need it, and everyone is always so willing to give it.

I would and do help friends a lot but there are some situations where I didn’t know they needed physical help v just some commiseration on the other end of a phone until they asked. And once they did I was more than happy to help.

I think if you’re someone that hasn’t asked for help or has refused help previously, people don’t really think to offer sometimes. I have a friend who I’ve offered to help a lot but she always says thanks but she’s okay. So I suppose I stopped offering quite so much and then when she did need help, she came to me eventually and asked and I was in the car to her house within 10 mins. But I just had got out of the habit of asking I suppose. And she struggled for longer than she should have as she didn’t want to ask.

Send a message: ‘Mum, I’m really struggling with X, would you be able to pop round for a bit and help me?’ She doesn’t sound very supportive but some people need to be given a ‘job’. Or lean on friends instead.

Why would anybody need to be telepathic if you have a leg cast and stairs and your husband works?

Honestly the intellectual hoops people will jump through to camouflage their lack of care.

A mothers sole care has been a sandwich ....really?

It doesn't feel like it now, but this is a gift. You know whom you can trust and whom you can't. The bonus is also that when your parents demand you run around after them in their eighties, you can refuse to do so without guilt.