Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

Do you think her friends should take time off work instead then? bugger their bills and feeding their kids

OP has a retired mum around the corner who isn't helping, never mind her friends. I think that is pretty poor.

You do know that is what most mothers do? I wouldn't be adding to my workload by working full time, doing the cooking and cleaning, and doing the cooking and clean for another family so the DH can have a rest.

I do help out friends but sorry I don't step in for dhs who simply don't want to do what every mum I know does already.

It’s not magical to know someone with a leg cast and steep stairs will need help.

It’s thoughtless to think a partner can support and work. Even retired partner carers need respite support.

It’s even more thoughtless to think OP would raise the issue if she believed her friends were so busy they had no capacity to help…this is the infantilizing

Of course I do🙄

Then she should say something to her and ask for help- we all said that!

I am surprised that she has to. As I said up the thread, my experience with a broken leg was people rallying round to help, unasked, so I understand the OP's sadness and disapointment.

We cant control other people's behaviour, we can only control our own.

So OP is going to have to say something, clearly, otherwise its not going to happen 🤷‍♀️

No, by all means moan. It's shit and your mum's sounds kind of self centred. But also asky your friends for help. Just reply to their texts saying how sorry they are "yes, it's really difficult. I can't even.... Is there any chance you could pop some milk round on your way back from work etc"

If you are used to your mum leaving you to get on with things it's probably harder to ask for help as you are used to being self reliant. But you should still ask for help. Some people are bad at putting themselves in others shoes, some will assume that you have lots of family help with your mum living nearby and therefore it won't occur to offer support. Just ask!

I'm so sorry you're stressing out and struggling so much, OP. You sound resilient and self sufficient, but obviously it is always great getting support too.

I've had three concussions (not the same as a broken leg, I know!), and my family did support me well after the first one as I had severe breakdown and was very unwell with an adverse reaction to an off label antipsychotic prescribed for severe insomnia and anxiety after the concussion (which gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia 🥺).

Although my DM has been extremely supportive in many ways over the years, sometimes people truly don't understand or empathise with exactly what it's like until they go through similar. I remember quite recently my DM saying that she felt odd after some medication, and she said she realised how it might have been for me (this was after a decade of my first adverse reaction..!) 😬😳😞

Obviously, nobody truly knows what it's like to go through something as subjectively, it's always unique, but being unwell certainly gives a greater element of empathy and compassion I've found. ❤️

Sending hugs, I think you should ask the friends you know are kind. I'm sure they'll be there and more than happy to help 💖

Good grief op, just text them and ask for help. What’s with all the martyr stuff that rhey should offer as you don’t like to ask, then getting upset as they didn’t offer, just ask,

Please don't go OP. I can't see most posters saying you need to get on with it, just sharing different experiences.

Your mum and brother are a disappointment and absolutely should be asking you how they can help and just proactively coming round. I'd be hurt too if I were you.

However as for friends , as other posters have said, you need to tell them you'd appreciate some help and be specific about what would be useful. I'm not sure it would occur to me to offer when I knew someone had a DH, I guess I'd assume he'd take time off and they'd manage unless they said they needed me. But if asked I'd do anything I could.

Hey lovely thats really shit of your mother and relatives. Im the star of breaking ankles so acutely feel your pain. Your bum is your best friend. Shuffle up and down the stairs that you need to on your bum. Get yourself a kids pe bag that you can wear on your back for carrying things. To feel less helpless you can sit in bed and sort washing into piles . Maybe prep tea. You know chop veggies and do all the prepping. Am ironing board is your gadget for that. You can also iron whilst sat down and make a picky bit tea and all of you have a picnic tea in your bedroom and watch a movie. Sounds like you all need some fun times. Can I also say be prepared for being absolutely bloody exhausted when you are allowed to do stuff and don't push yourself. Please listen to your ankle as it needs you to x

Let your family and friends know how difficult it is and ask for any help they can give. Don't ask...don't get... Just ask. People are not mind readers.

I don't see lack of compassion, I see a lot of very useful suggestions and quite a lot of empathy. As pp have said, this isn't just about a broken leg, it's about other occasions, where seemingly, family and friends, haven't stepped up, and the simmering resentment, from that. OP is of course permitted to feel sorry and frustrated, for herself, but getting at MN posters who have posted quite reasonable advice, isn't the way forward.

Your mum is a different matter, but for everyone else - no, people may think you're fine. You do need to ask. People aren't mind readers and shouldn't be expected to be.

It's okay to be open about your needs. It's better than stewing and feeling let down and upset. If you ask for help and no one does, that's the time to feel let down. Right now, you're not giving them a chance.

Whilst technically I agree with you, you do need to ask.

For example. I've never broken a bone before let alone a leg. So I've no real insight into the difficulties it creates. I'd like to think i'd be more thoughtful than your family, but who knows, maybe I just wouldn't think of it.

On that basis I think you should just ask them. Hope you heal soon 😊

No one wants to see you struggle, but you do need to be somewhat proactive in asking. People don't know what to offer.

I don't think people would automatically assume you need help. Im a single parent and have a demanding full time job - which basically means my normal is the same as your DH right now. Most people don't offer help unless i ask, and don't treat me any different to a 2 person household.

This is a you problem. Before you write off your friends try asking them for help.

Honestly @Currentlylaidup please ask for specific help. I would always helkp out friends, family or even neighbours but wouldn't assume you needed help unless you asked. Your family & friends aren't mind readers. Please use your words & ask for specific help - Im sure most will be willing to help if you asked.

Thats quite a leap! Every post I’ve seen has said you need to ask for help as people aren’t mind readers.

that is crap. I’ve realised too that i’m someone who helps others, and I don’t get that back. Recently moved and am wiped out. Bar one friend who has a genuine excuse and know she would help otherwise, no-one has offered any help. Bar my ex partner who was going to help until my move was delayed and then he couldn’t get time off. It sucks and I will consider how helpful I will be in future for others, but guess its part of my personality. No reason your mum couldn’t help more or at least pop in.

Why would friends help you move? I've never had friends help or even wanted them to. Bizarre.

I agree- moving is best done with professionals, I wouldnt dream of risking my friend's back health.

Not when there are professionals to do it- its so selfish