My asshole brother is back and causing chaos

[Gricmy]

My DD and I live next door to my parents in an adjoining property that belongs to them. I know that this will make me sound like a sponge but I really appreciate this as a single mom and they have always been such a great support, so I feel bad bitching now. I know that I'm really lucky to have them and they love DD and she effectively has a "real family" to grow up with.

My brother has now shattered this in his usual fashion. Moved in with our parents because his wife kicked him out and everything has been turned on its head. I honestly wouldn't mind if he was a good person but he is absolutely awful to be around and always has been. He was diagnosed with bipolar and narcissism years ago but never accepted this, but I think it will be enough to paint a picture how dreadful it is to live with him.

Since he has arrived he has taken over the whole place as his own. Boundaries are out of the window and everything revolves around him. I don't want my DD to be around him, and I also don't want to see my parents being taken such advantage of. I totally appreciate that I have benefitted from their kindness for a long time now, but I honestly have been trying to pay them back in kind and I have also not been renting rent free.
I think I'd be ok with any person living there apart from my brother in fact. I know that he will erode everything until there is nothing left for him to take and then move on.

Sorry. I know that this was a full blown rant and that the only reasonable thing for me to do is look into moving elsewhere. But I'm so fucking pissed at him and at the way that he treats our parents and everyone around him. And at the way he gets treated like the tragic victim of circumstances all the time.

Rant over. Sorry for venting 😡

Unfortunately I think this is likely to be the only course of action. OP’s parents clearly have no intention of intervening, and don’t seem to be any more aware of the impact of her DB’s behaviour on her now than they were when she was growing up. And it’s set to be a generational issue if OP doesn’t take action herself.

The downside to that is that she would then not be able to monitor what he's doing, and her parents' wellbeing. And of course he'll then move into her house and will be there forever.

OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Yeah so how does he manage to 'control' it and not run around naked at work is what I'm asking?

Yes I agree. I can tell from her post that she’s just fed up with his behaviour and the fact that he hasn’t tried to get help. She won’t have got to this stage of how she feels about him without a lot of previous examples.

Well you’re entitled to your opinion of course, but nothing OP has posted indicates to me that this is down to anything other than her having to live with her DB’s behaviour on repeat throughout her formative years. And her parents were willing to enable it without recourse to the impact it was having on their daughter, so it’s hardly surprising she feels the way she does now.

What I see is an OP having to make a hard and very unfair choice to protect her daughter from her DB’s behaviour, because this is yet another example of her parents putting her, and now their grandchild, at risk by indulging it.

DB has a history of violent convictions. He has two diagnosed disorders, one of which - NPD - means that he doesn’t recognise his behaviour as a problem and has no interest in the consequences to others. He’s having episodes of delusional and reckless behaviour including running around naked in a garden shared by a child. His wife has also recently ended their marriage - likely because he’s exhibited the same disordered behaviour throughout his marriage and she’s had enough. And you don’t think he poses a risk ?

And I’ve just told you. They are isolated episodes and fuelled by mania. During the episodes his judgement and impulse control are affected by altered brain chemistry. It’s not a case of choosing to control himself in one environment and not another. It’s pretty much down to wherever he happens to be during an episode.

Oh so it's just sheer coincidence that it never happens at work or out in public?

Indeed. The man knows exactly what he's doing and what buttons to press. Classic street angel and house devil.

OP hasn’t actually said has she ? Theres nothing in any of her posts to indicate that these episodes haven’t happened elsewhere. And his wife has ended their marriage - I can’t imagine that’s entirely unrelated to his disordered behaviour.

I’m not sure what your point is here - are you saying he’s somehow in control of these episodes and faking ? IME of the knowledge of how both of these conditions present, it’s unlikely because these episodes are down to the changes in brain chemistry brought on by the onset of mania. He has no control over when or where that happens, and his NPD pretty much ensures that if there are any consequences to his behaviours he will blame those around him.

That’s the nature of the disorder.

So the detailed explanations from myself and other ex professionals here with direct experience of how these conditions work are summarily discarded for ‘he knows what he’s doing’. Hilarious. Hasn’t it crossed your mind that if he was actually responsible for his actions at the time, it would be so much easier to deal with. They would call the police, he would accept the consequences and that would be that. Unfortunately that’s not how NPD works. As evidenced by two violent criminal convictions and a failed marriage.

Not coincidence at all. It just hasn’t happened - yet. But to get an accurate picture you’d have to ask OP as she hasn’t specified - or better yet his wife, because I can’t imagine the fact that she’s ended the marriage is unrelated to his behaviour.

Im not an expert but I think that people setting up the power of attorney can choose whether it becomes effective immediately or if it only kicks in if the person in question loses their faculties.
So its worth looking into @Gricmy and reminding your parents that he has stolen from them in the past.

In fact, Martin Lewis has written a lot about power of attorney docs and has said its as important as a will ( also if your parents have a will.. you should look at the will registration service, rather than just having a paper will around the house)

I would also recommend that they register with something like Experian.. so that they/or you can keep track of their credit score and whether anyone is taking out credit in their name and address.

I agree with what others have said about door cameras, key security etc.
Maybe you could have a word with your DM about how she feels about him running around in the garden naked where your DD could possibly see... and see if she could speak to him.

I also think if you move, he will just move right in. Have you considered that this is exactly what he wants?

Ive got a few of these predator types in my family too. Diagnosis or not doesn't change what they are, dangerous in every way - emotionally, physically, financially. No doubt your parents are full of guilt, its the nature of parenting to blame yourself. My guess is he sees your nice set up and wants it for himself, so he will be acting with the intent to see you and your daughter gone.

What to do about it depends on your appetite for confrontation. You can leave as fast as possible, tell your parents he is not safe to have around your daughter (that may shake them into doing something if they can). Or you can fight back, call him out on his shit behaviour and if he is a volatile as you say call the police as soon as he kicks off (and every time). Basically build a non molestation case, and pursue it through court, so he cant come near you and has to leave. But that's a longer game and I guess depends on what the alternative is.

But dont be afraid to call the police, thats what they want. Its bully behaviour and dont give in to it because that just emboldens them. Sounds like he already has a record so it wont be hard to get them to take it seriously.

I am a qualified neuroscientist / clinical psychologist.
HTH

I think whether or not he has personality disorders is of little consequence - he is still responsible for his actions, there are no excuses.

My first thought is that he wants you gone so he can move in. What you do depends on whether you’ve still got enough steam after everything he has done previously to challenge it not.

If you want to hold fast then I’d be changing the locks, getting the garden partitioned again and installing cameras front and back and maybe an alarm. Parents must be told he is not welcome in your home or around your daughter.

In an ideal world it would be good to find out what happened with his wife - but if your enquiries got back to him I think it could make matters worse so caution should be exercised. It’s probably not worth the risk unless wife offers up the info.

I also think that if you’ve had enough, you wouldn’t be unreasonable to just leave.

Arguing about whether it's a mental health condition or not, and whether he's in control of what he's doing, is a diversion from what this thread is actually about.

I'm practical terms we have a daughter living next door with a young daughter. We have parents who are trapped by parental love and feeling of responsibility, so providing him with a roof over his head.

Even if he's not in on control of his behaviour, OP has every right to have run out of patience with him, and should not be having MNers wagging their fingers at her. She's lived with this for a very long time, and also watched what he's done to her parents. She's allowed to be angry and she's allowed to be furious on her daughter's and parents behalf. Her life is yet again being turned upside down. The semantics of mental Ill health or not, are no longer relevant to her.

@Gricmy I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I can only reiterate that your parents urgently need to take out LPAs with only you (and maybe another trusted relative) as attorneys.
I'd also get in touch with Age UK to get advice, as this is coercion on his part and they need to be protected from elder abuse, no matter that they're fit and well.

As for protecting your child, change the lock barrels (an easy DIY job) and of the garden is shared, then a fence needs to go up. Surely your parents would agree to that.

Yes, this. OP should realise that her brother is not an arsehole but a person with a serious MH disorder that is high risk for the patient's family and resistant to interventions.

I think it would be better for her to move out to protect her DD.

@ThreadGuardDog I can be anything I want to be here, so can you. There's no proof than any poster is a professional this or that, AI can do all the talking for them and they can repeat it here.

I'm going on the basis of what the OP has said. She knows what DB is like, she has insights that we don't have.

I'd move away ASAP myself, and as pp said move the dial and have a peaceful life for herself and her daughter without having to navigate this mess. It's the best solution all round IMV.

As a clinical psychologist (no less), you should be aware that people can both have a serious MH disorder and be an arsehole. If you are not aware of that you shouldn't be doing your job. A MH disorder doesn't absolve you of all responsibility for your actions in other than extreme and usually short lived scenarios (active psychosis), and it certainly doesn't remove the possibility of you being an abusive and destructive person.

On that we agree. It’s the only sensible solution.

Absolutely this.

You don't have any medical qualifications.

NPD doesn’t involve active psychosis though. Bipolar does but they are two distinct conditions. Bipolar changes in cycles, whereas NPD is a stable, lifelong pattern of behaviour where a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and a need for admiration are present all the time. The sufferer doesn’t acknowledge the condition and largely doesn’t seek treatment because they see it as who they are rather than a condition that needs to be medicalised/treated.

Where someone has both conditions a manic bipolar episode can make the underlying narcissistic traits much worse. So it’s not really true to say that the sufferer is responsible for their actions during these episodes because behaviour is driven by the change in brain chemistry, which is beyond the sufferers’ control.

That isn’t to say that l think anyone should be enabling what’s happening, and it’s why I reiterate what I said upthread. It’s always families who suffer - these conditions inevitably inflict chaos. NPD in particular is exhausting as OP’s posts demonstrate. If her parents want to try to support their son that’s up to them, but I don’t think OP would be in the least bit selfish to walk away and let them get on with it, and put herself and her daughter first. Not least because her DB represents a very real threat.