My asshole brother is back and causing chaos

[Gricmy]

My DD and I live next door to my parents in an adjoining property that belongs to them. I know that this will make me sound like a sponge but I really appreciate this as a single mom and they have always been such a great support, so I feel bad bitching now. I know that I'm really lucky to have them and they love DD and she effectively has a "real family" to grow up with.

My brother has now shattered this in his usual fashion. Moved in with our parents because his wife kicked him out and everything has been turned on its head. I honestly wouldn't mind if he was a good person but he is absolutely awful to be around and always has been. He was diagnosed with bipolar and narcissism years ago but never accepted this, but I think it will be enough to paint a picture how dreadful it is to live with him.

Since he has arrived he has taken over the whole place as his own. Boundaries are out of the window and everything revolves around him. I don't want my DD to be around him, and I also don't want to see my parents being taken such advantage of. I totally appreciate that I have benefitted from their kindness for a long time now, but I honestly have been trying to pay them back in kind and I have also not been renting rent free.
I think I'd be ok with any person living there apart from my brother in fact. I know that he will erode everything until there is nothing left for him to take and then move on.

Sorry. I know that this was a full blown rant and that the only reasonable thing for me to do is look into moving elsewhere. But I'm so fucking pissed at him and at the way that he treats our parents and everyone around him. And at the way he gets treated like the tragic victim of circumstances all the time.

Rant over. Sorry for venting 😡

I think the level of personal insult to the OP in your post is potentially breaking the Talk guidelines.

If, as you say, he has previously been charged with GBH and domestic violence, was involved in abusing a dog as a child, and is now running around naked, this is seriously concerning.

Having worked with vulnerable children and adults, I know that uncles are, sadly, among the most common abusers, particularly those with a history of violence or sexually inappropriate behaviour.

I would prioritise the safety of the child, which may involve moving or getting permission from your parents to split the garden and put up a large fence so he does not have access to your daughter.

Change the locks.
Dont go to your parents house.
Invite them to yours.
Its winter now dont go in the garden.
Buy privacy film for the windows.

Be very clear with your parents:
your child is NOT allowed at their house under any circs.
You brother is not allowed in your home under any circs.
You want zero contact between your child and brother.

Be very comfortable picking up the phone and involving the police at the first sign on anything despite parental protestations.

Its all good and well for the "be kind" he is unwell brigade... but until you have been living at the coal face or bipolar and narcissistic behaviour you dont necessarily understand it.
These people (also a man in my case) give ZERO FUCKS. They are not "trying" - They generally look like they like it.

OP and her child are just collateral damage in the stage show that is his life.

Id start saving if you dont already have some savings and If he is still there post christmas. I'd explain to your parents you need 6ft fencing or to find new accommodation.

Doing just that.

I bet they're not happy. More like they feel they have no choice.

This exactly. I'm a Mental Health Professional. Everyone I've ever work with who had Bipolar experiences remorse following their manic episodes and eventually accept their diagnosis and does their best to manage it.
I've never know someone to have a bith diagnoses however, and I suspect brother is NPD and saying he has Bipolar to make excuses for himself. I've known several narcissists on a personal level who've tried to do this.
Ultimately, there is a risk to OP's daughter and this needs to be managed.
I think it might be worth getting in touch with his ex to find out what he's done,because it may well be pretty serious as it's v difficult for people to stand up to NPD abusers and they usually put up with a lot before ending things.
I've supported 2 ppl through NOD abuse and it's absolutely horrendous. They have unending energy and perseverance with their shenanigans to the pint where it totally consumes your life. She may well have to move out for a while as it's just not safe to be near him with your small child. He's likely to escalate and she'll witness something she sho.

Moving is your only option here, but as someone with a golden child sister who runs our Mum ragged and is completely reliant on her in her 50s, I completely understand. I've had to set very firm boundaries around myself and my kids to minimise exposure to it. You can't do that living next door.

You will need specifics as to what he actually does. Or has done since he returned. And also write down your concerns.
Speak anonymously to your local councils adult safeguarding team. There is a thing called elder abuse. They can help.
But you do need to be sure you can describe to them what has happened and is happening.
I would wonder if he does go to work. Or just goes out for the day. Nobody usually runs around the garden naked.

Psychopathy is also a mental disorder, it doesn't mean you have to put up with the consequences. There are certain conditions, NPD being one of them, that can result in people being extremely abusive and dangerous. And absolutely refusing any kind of help to change because they don't see it. There's only a certain amount you can try to help people like that, those posters judging the OP for not being kind have clearly never had to live with someone like that.

NPD is a diagnosable mental health condition. It’s a pattern of exaggerated grandiose behaviour coupled with constant need for admiration and a lack of empathy. It causes functional impairment and severe difficulties in personal and wider relationships.

People who have NPD often have other mental health problems alongside, such as anxiety and depression - in DB’s case Bipolar - and they are at increased risk of substance abuse and suicidal ideation.

It’s very difficult to persuade those with NPD to accept treatment for the condition or any other accompanying MH issues, and when they do, the drop out rate is very high. They see their condition as part of their self image, so they don’t see themselves as having a problem - in fact other people are the problem and to blame for any failures in their life. Unfortunately for everyone involved in this scenario people with NPD will generally only seek treatment when they are facing a major life crisis. It bears out everything OP has said about DB’s past and present behaviour and is almost certainly the reason for the breakdown of his marriage.

Honestly I don’t even know where to start with this.

Donald Trump, Putin, Hitler all had or have NPD.

Personality disorders, not mental illness.

I did wonder about the bipolar but l couldn’t find anything in OP’s posts to say when the diagnosis was made. I have some experience of NPD in the context of professional disability support and l know there can often be additional mental health problems involved, but IME it was usually anxiety and depression.

I have every sympathy for OP and some of the posts here have been unrelentingly awful. OP has lived with this on repeat for her whole life and it sounds as though her parents are doubling down on indulging and enabling him while she faces the prospect of his behaviour now affecting her own child.

You have no idea what you’re talking about. Bipolar isn’t the issue here. NPD is.

Any bipolar disorder, if in fact he has it, will be secondary to that in DB’s behaviour. The refusal to get help isn’t because of any family stigma or any other bullshit armchair theory. It’s a direct result of NPD. It’s part of his self image, he sees it as who he is and as far as he’s concerned, he isn’t the problem, everyone else is, so why would he need treatment ?

Have you nothing better to do than to come here with ridiculous and baseless theories simply to have a go at an OP who has had to witness his shit on repeat throughout her childhood, indulged and enabled by her parents and now in a position where her own child is affected ? And you think OP is the problem ? Don’t make me laugh.

Narcissism is not a mental illness, it is a personality disorder.

And having biplolar doesn't mean that you get a free pass to abuse your family.

OP, I really feel for you. I have a similar family member, and the only thing that saved me and my DC was to get very very far away. Good luck.

There is no such thing as mental illness.

There are diagnostic manuals for use in healthcare settings, DSM and ICD, they don't use this term at all.

What the internet think is irrelevant.

He sounds appalling. I’m not sure what you can do, because your parents presumably love and want to support their son, despite his awful behaviour.

But you are not helping matters by denying he has a mental illness. If he has been diagnosed with bipolar he is mentally ill. It is a medical condition, not a choice. If you don’t believe me, google it. I don’t know that knowing he is mentally ill will help you cope with his behaviour in any way, particularly since he refuses to acknowledge it himself, but it might change how you think about it.

You need to sit down with just your parents and have a calm, rational talk with them about your fears and how they envisage the future for all of you.

At no point did I refer to it as mental illness. I said diagnosable mental health condition.

OP, I really feel for you. No advice here, I lack the tools and experience to deal with the double wammy of coping with someone with narcissism and bipolar. Both disorders are behaviour extreme and few people will be capable to have a relationship with him, specially because of his NPD. His biopolar disorder can be managed with meds but his NPD will stop him from acknowledging he has a serious mental disorder. It's beyond a difficult situation.

Sensible words I think.

I see you OP - Having a mental health condition and being an arse are not mutually exclusive. You can have a mental illness and an unpleasant personality too - I too have a brother with similar issues and whilst he has a diagnosed MH issue he will not volunteer it and wields it like a "get out of jail free card" when it suits him and my Mum doesn't understand this and she had become his invisible cloaking devise, smoothing his mess ups for him so he doesn't have to face consequences. Sounds like your parents are the same.

Just like spoilt kids can have a sense of entitlement, spoilt adults who are not held to account because they have MH issues can also be entitled and divisive as the expense of others. Usually the "glass child".

I want to be clear here that I am not saying all people with MH issues are this way inclined, just that one does not exclude the other.

So what? Does that mean that the OP has to endlessly accept the consequences of a diagnosable mental health condition no matter how it has impacted her or will impact her and her child in the future.

There are endless posts on this thread completely attempting to invalidate the OPs experience in respect of her brother. As you say a personality disorder is not a mental illness and so does not have to be treated as an ill person and as others have suggested his PD is likely to mean that his MI is as destructive as say an active addiction in terms of not being able to be supported by family instead being more enabled by them.

I think the crux of this thread is that some people are using mental illness to mean he's less responsible or can't control his behaviour. Personality disorders are complex, but generally, people who have them are aware of what they are doing. This is deliberate manipulation. The largest issue with narcissists is that they are rarely motivated to change, which is a prerequisite for therapy.

bipolar disorder would also depend on the status of his medication. It certainly doesn't seem here as if OP's brother has diminished capacity. He doesn't, for example, have psychosis and isn't wholly unable to control himself.

in any case, mental illness is not a get out of jail free card. It does not mean family members can't have boundaries and behavioural expectations. And family can always change their responses. Many family members of people with mental illness struggle with crossing from support into enabling, and if they have crossed into enabling, fear that withdrawing would be 'unsupportive' or cruel.

what was your childhood like op? i assume it wasn’t all Disney and Nickelodeon for him to have two massive diagnoses?

is a symptom of being bi polar the tendency to bleed your parents dry? I’d not heard of that one.

Mania and yes over spending during periods of mania are a potential symptom of bipolar disorder.

However people who have treated and well controlled and monitored bipolar are at extremely low risk of this.

The OPs brother is the opposite of that.