My asshole brother is back and causing chaos

[Gricmy]

My DD and I live next door to my parents in an adjoining property that belongs to them. I know that this will make me sound like a sponge but I really appreciate this as a single mom and they have always been such a great support, so I feel bad bitching now. I know that I'm really lucky to have them and they love DD and she effectively has a "real family" to grow up with.

My brother has now shattered this in his usual fashion. Moved in with our parents because his wife kicked him out and everything has been turned on its head. I honestly wouldn't mind if he was a good person but he is absolutely awful to be around and always has been. He was diagnosed with bipolar and narcissism years ago but never accepted this, but I think it will be enough to paint a picture how dreadful it is to live with him.

Since he has arrived he has taken over the whole place as his own. Boundaries are out of the window and everything revolves around him. I don't want my DD to be around him, and I also don't want to see my parents being taken such advantage of. I totally appreciate that I have benefitted from their kindness for a long time now, but I honestly have been trying to pay them back in kind and I have also not been renting rent free.
I think I'd be ok with any person living there apart from my brother in fact. I know that he will erode everything until there is nothing left for him to take and then move on.

Sorry. I know that this was a full blown rant and that the only reasonable thing for me to do is look into moving elsewhere. But I'm so fucking pissed at him and at the way that he treats our parents and everyone around him. And at the way he gets treated like the tragic victim of circumstances all the time.

Rant over. Sorry for venting 😡

Why can't you speak openly to your parents and your brother?

I have spoken to them and (as always) they condone his absolutely shitty behavior. The same as always. And I know him and he'll keep pushing this until there is nothing left to take.

I also have a shitty brother. And he is also enabled by my mum in particular.

I moved a loooooong way away. Not an option for you but I empathise.

First do your research and have a back up plan. Find options to rent. Have a plan b and plan c. Then before you make any decisions talk to your parents. Tell them how you feel. Tell them you can't behave db around your DD so either he moves or you do. Show them you have thought it through and costed it.

I imagine your parents are very happy and relieved their mentally ill son is staying with them.

You are just going to have to make alternative arrangements for your daughter I’m afraid

He isn't mentally ill. He is a complete user and abuser and doesn't even accept that there is anything wrong with him.
But yeah, I need to look at alternative arrangements for DD and myself. And I won't ever hold it against them but I am so angry that he constantly gets away with everything.

Your brother has 2 diagnosed mental illnesses. Yes, his behaviour sounds shitty. Yes, your parents are suffering as a consequence of him moving back to live with them. Yes, it’s impacting you and your DD.

but his illnesses are contributing towards his behaviour. Is there any way he would agree to speak with a gp about medication or some therapy to help him manage how he is around people?

I understand your frustration about how this is impacting your family. But I think that the language you use about your brother who is mentally ill, has a recent marriage break-up and who is licking his wounds at his parents’ home is quite sad.

I hear what you are saying. I think I'm just wary to give him an inch of doubt. You honestly have no idea what he was like growing up with and what he got away with. If he was open to consider treatment I'd be the first person to support him. But he won't.

I hear you.
It's difficult to have compassion for someone when their mental state make them utterly reprehensible. You brother's bipolar condition & narcissism tell him he doesn't need help; that his wife is the asshole causing the marriage breakdown and that your parents are willing, able and responsible for helping him.

Your parents are adults and this is their son. You really can't tell them how they should be treating him . You benefited from their help and they probably see this as the same . He is in their space not yours . You don't have to leave your daughter alone with him just be there . Ask your parents to be with her in your house. Surely it is a temporary arrangement anyway as he will want to move out at some time ? Or if you really can't stand it , unfortunately you will have to be the one to move .

I think all OP can do is try to find a way to help her parents protect their assets - if at all possible. They likely don't appreciate their son's illness, so buy his bullshit. Bipolar narcissist are both exceedingly charming and malicious.

If you live in an adjoining, but separate property, why do you have to see him at all?

Can’t you just avoid going into your parents' house at all and live like he is an annoying neighbour. Surely easier than uprooting your daughter, taking her away from her grandparents and moving house?

Find your peace, let your parents deal with him as they want and keep a calm and separate house. I don’t see why you have to see or interact with him at all.

If you want to address it head on to state your position, then ‘John, it is clear that we aren’t really seeing eye to eye so probably best for Mum and Dad if we just keep our distance from one another and be civil when necessary, ok?’ should suffice.

I can understand how you feel about Golden Balls being back in your lives. My main concern would be that he might eventually be financially coercive towards your parents. I don't suppose there's much you can do, but it might be wise to make sure your parents don't sign anything over to him! I know it sounds grabby and so on, but he might even get them to change their wills. It has been known to happen. But realistically what can you do?

I think I'd move away, on the assumption that your parents are aware of his behaviours and actions and are nonetheless willing to have him live with them. Nothing you can do I'm afraid. I can understand your rage and frustration though. Some people just land on their feet, but knock down a lot of things in the process.

Because he does not accept and adhere to boundaries. He will habitually break every single one. I don't even want to go into details here but he is and always has been pretty unhinged and I don't want my DD exposed to that and I'd rather move.

Unfortunately your parents's first and very kind instinct is to support their son in his time of need in the same way they have supported you in yours. I hear what you are saying about him, but they are always going to make allowances for him, because they love him. They will know what he's like, but what can they do? Throw him out? They won't do that until the situation is utterly desperate.

All you can do is keep out of his way, mind your own business, don't get yourself involved in any drama or arguments, refuse to engage with him, refuse to engage with them about him, and accept that for as long as he is there your daily involvement with your parents is going to be somewhat stunted.

Hopefully they will encourage him to move out at some point. If they don't and it becomes unbearable then you will just have to move elsewhere.

How does he have a key for your house? I’d ask for it back, or change the locks if he won’t give it to you. If he tries to break in then call the police?

It all sounds very difficult, I’m so sorry. Thinking of moving because of him sounds extreme, but only you know the situation fully.

He absolutely will try to get his hands on their assets. He stole a huge amount of money from them years ago and they "let it go". Used it to build his career which my parents admire him for ignoring what he had done to get there.
Anyway. I will talk to them and suggest some things. I just needed to vent.

But you are in a different property, albeit very close by. There is no real need for your DD to be exposed to his nonsense if you make sure you keep out of his way and don't involve yourself unnecessarily. Your parents have chosen to take him in, let them deal with him. You don't have to.

This is so difficult OP. Just posting for support as it’s really tricky. He does have bipolar and narcissism so should defo be on some kind of medication. I think it would be good to talk to him about this but also I can understand that he might not be willing to try meds.

Use this as the motivation to carve out more independence @Gricmy . Face value it does look like you’re perfectly happy to very much rely on your parents but heaven forbid you brother do the same.

Anyway, your parents aren’t going to kick him out and no doubt very pleased he’s home given his mental health, so in your shoes I’d be focussed on how to change things for my daughter and I

There is a shared garden and he absolute runs around naked around their house and garden. Always has, always will, and there was a reason why my friends didn't come over growing up. He knows that it's not acceptable but as I said he will push every boundary just to "win". Every part of life.

Just to be clear - you think your parents should turn their back on their mentally ill son as he goes through a divorce so you, a mentally-stable adult, can continue to received preferential treatment and support? Just so we're all clear here? And despite you telling us he's mentally ill, you then say he isn't. I suspect there's quite a lot more going on here.

And to say this man doesn’t suffer from a mental health illness?

Exactly

Surely your parents realise it’s not acceptable for dd to see a naked man in the garden?