My asshole brother is back and causing chaos

[Gricmy]

My DD and I live next door to my parents in an adjoining property that belongs to them. I know that this will make me sound like a sponge but I really appreciate this as a single mom and they have always been such a great support, so I feel bad bitching now. I know that I'm really lucky to have them and they love DD and she effectively has a "real family" to grow up with.

My brother has now shattered this in his usual fashion. Moved in with our parents because his wife kicked him out and everything has been turned on its head. I honestly wouldn't mind if he was a good person but he is absolutely awful to be around and always has been. He was diagnosed with bipolar and narcissism years ago but never accepted this, but I think it will be enough to paint a picture how dreadful it is to live with him.

Since he has arrived he has taken over the whole place as his own. Boundaries are out of the window and everything revolves around him. I don't want my DD to be around him, and I also don't want to see my parents being taken such advantage of. I totally appreciate that I have benefitted from their kindness for a long time now, but I honestly have been trying to pay them back in kind and I have also not been renting rent free.
I think I'd be ok with any person living there apart from my brother in fact. I know that he will erode everything until there is nothing left for him to take and then move on.

Sorry. I know that this was a full blown rant and that the only reasonable thing for me to do is look into moving elsewhere. But I'm so fucking pissed at him and at the way that he treats our parents and everyone around him. And at the way he gets treated like the tragic victim of circumstances all the time.

Rant over. Sorry for venting 😡

I agree that he has a personality disorder but that he isn't mentally ill. He isn't chasing butterflies or doesn't know what he is doing.

If you move out then he will move into your place and then he really will be comfortable and in a position to manipulate your parents. He’ll never move out then. Worrying on behalf of the long term interests of your parents, but better for them in the sense that he would not be directly under their feet, but will be close enough to keep an eye on next door.

He is running around the garden naked
He has bi polar

I imagine your parents are reassured that he’s under their roof

You've obviously never had to deal with a narcissist. Sounds like a nightmare OP can you try and put a bit of distance (not literally as I know you live next door) between you and them temporarily until he moves on?

Personality disorder is a mental illness so I don’t really understand why you say it is not. Plus he has bipolar so it’s quite complex.

I doubt it. There probably scared of him and what he might do.

Just because he has a personality disorder and a mental health condition doesn’t mean he is vulnerable or the most vulnerable person in the family. Nor does it give him license to behave how he wants with no regard for anyone else. It sounds like he is in full awareness of his actions and has full capacity.

OP I don’t really know what to suggest. Do you think he is acting like this to force you to move so he can live where you do? I think whilst it would sicken me to effectively let him win moving does seem to be the safest option for you and your daughter.

Scared of him… nothing to suggest that.

Scared for him… likely

Right, well if he does that then your DD may just have to see him naked. Not ideal, but providing he's not doing anything sexually inappropriate it's not the end of the world. It's just a body. Try to not get overly worked up about things that haven't happened yet.

Unless you are prepared to move out (which he would love, because he'd probably move into your house like a shot and stay there for good) you just need to sit it out and try to remain as calm and unflustered by him as you can. Just practise being as detached and unbothered as possible. Try to avoid getting drawn into any arguments or conversations with your parents about him. If they talk about him just nod and smile then change the subject. Don't go into their house when he's there.

Make whatever adjustments you can so that you and your DD are exposed to him as little as is possible, given the situation. It's going to affect how much time you and she can spend around your parents but there is nothing you can do about that.

Make sure no-one, including your mum and dad, has a key to your house. Explain to them why you don't feel comfortable with them having one at the moment, because you don't trust him not to take it and let himself in. Get a ring doorbell camera. There is no point trying to get your parents to see sense, you are not going to change their minds about how they feel about their son. But at least you should calmly explain your own POV and ask that they respect your need to keep yourself and your DD insulated from as much of his behaviour as you can.

Bipolar is definitely a mental illness! That isn’t to say that he isn’t also a very unpleasant person, with a personality disorder, the two things can both be true at the same time.

But it really isn’t correct to say that he isn’t mentally ill.

Could you obtain Power of Attorney for your parents with their agreement? Then at least he can't interfere with their finances. I wouldn't move, he will move into your house and you won't know what's going on. Just stay where you are, tell parents dd and you are only coming round when he's not there. They can easily come to you. Avoid your brother as much as possible and just be vaguely pleasant when you have to meet, keep any meetings short

Sorry you think the OP - who is already living off of her parent's generosity - should get Power of Attorney so her mentally ill brother can't 'interfere' with their finances? Goodness!

My parents are of sound mind and we don't need a power of attorney. But as I said earlier he did steal from them in the past.
He is a narcissist who gets worse/ better during his bipolar phases but it does not change who hem is. And I'm sure that he will bleed them dry and not give anything back.

He runs around the garden naked?

@Gricmy just a word about Mumsnet - there are a proportion of posters who will deliberately try to be contrary in order to put the boot in. There are, in fact, some men who deliberately try to be downright nasty in order to make Mumsnet a place where people feel unable to post.

It's worth weighing the useful posts (which can include robust talking, but doesn't include deliberately misunderstanding or nasty posts) and just ignore the rest. On top of the deliberately unpleasant people, there are also many who haven't encountered a diagnosed narcissist at close quarters. Those of us who have had that .. pleasure ... know that you're in a very difficult situation and you have to protect your daughter and yourself first.

Im afraid that unless you can get POA over your parents (which is unlikely if they're compos mentis) then you might have to either move, or wait til he's drained them dry and moved on.

Are you the brother?

he is absolutely awful to be around and always has been.

how dreadful it is to live with him.

Since he has arrived he has taken over the whole place as his own. Boundaries are out of the window and everything revolves around him.

I don't want my DD to be around him, and I also don't want to see my parents being taken such advantage of.

I know that he will erode everything until there is nothing left for him to take and then move on.
the way that he treats our parents and everyone around him.

direct quotes from the OP. Sounds like the brother is a real charmer? Nothing possibly to be scared of! 🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

Also abused the family dog growing up although for a long time I never. We had to move because he got expelled from school. Excellent grades and a well furnished career. At least one count of GBH and another one for DV, all whilst growing a career. The nakedness is just his way to push things. He is not mentally ill but the last person you want around. But it sure seems to work on some people who fall for it because of "mental illness".

It is so weird you don’t see him as having a
Mental health condition

Thank you so much, and you are so right. I think I just needed a space to vent because I'm so frustrated at the situation (and I admit also at the way that he gets glorified even when messing up). I'll take this on board and will drown out the noise.

@Gricmydoes he work? Is he out of the property at all? Is he able to get access into your house?

As a temporary measure if you feel the need you could block your daughter being able to see him outside naked with some of the window film that lets light in but makes it opaque. That way you know your daughter can’t see him. At least with the winter coming he might be less keen to be outside in the cold naked.

if you can I would change the locks and put up some security cameras in case you ever need evidence of his behaviour. I’d also limit your contact with both your brother and your parents for the time being. Making it clear to the latter that your there if they need you but you can’t and won’t condone the way your brother is behaving.

Yeah, I don't. He knows exactly what he is doing.

We clearly have found the brother! Nice way to twist it!

Sounds like the OP and her parents have been put through hell.

Tragic how much you’re willing to twist things to condone shitty behaviour by a man!

Why don’t you want to accept that bipolar is a mental illness? It genuinely is! It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t also have a personal disorder and isn’t a very unpleasant person.

Looks like it’s time to move out and stand on your own two feet.
Protect yourself and your dd.