My asshole brother is back and causing chaos

[Gricmy]

My DD and I live next door to my parents in an adjoining property that belongs to them. I know that this will make me sound like a sponge but I really appreciate this as a single mom and they have always been such a great support, so I feel bad bitching now. I know that I'm really lucky to have them and they love DD and she effectively has a "real family" to grow up with.

My brother has now shattered this in his usual fashion. Moved in with our parents because his wife kicked him out and everything has been turned on its head. I honestly wouldn't mind if he was a good person but he is absolutely awful to be around and always has been. He was diagnosed with bipolar and narcissism years ago but never accepted this, but I think it will be enough to paint a picture how dreadful it is to live with him.

Since he has arrived he has taken over the whole place as his own. Boundaries are out of the window and everything revolves around him. I don't want my DD to be around him, and I also don't want to see my parents being taken such advantage of. I totally appreciate that I have benefitted from their kindness for a long time now, but I honestly have been trying to pay them back in kind and I have also not been renting rent free.
I think I'd be ok with any person living there apart from my brother in fact. I know that he will erode everything until there is nothing left for him to take and then move on.

Sorry. I know that this was a full blown rant and that the only reasonable thing for me to do is look into moving elsewhere. But I'm so fucking pissed at him and at the way that he treats our parents and everyone around him. And at the way he gets treated like the tragic victim of circumstances all the time.

Rant over. Sorry for venting 😡

everything about this screams generational trauma. do your parents, although they help him, like to see your brother as a failure in every way? have your parents used you or your brother as an example to the other to get you to do things. like ‘oh you’re so nice not like failure brother’ and so on?

Methinks there are a good few posters on this thread with MH issues of their own, and are drawn to threads like this to manifest their illness. On the other hand, there are some who are just plain vindictive interrupters. Easy to spot both.

There are endless posts on this thread completely attempting to invalidate the OPs experience in respect of her brother.

And if you look back through my posting history on the thread you will see that l’m not one of them. I’m not disagreeing with any of this. At all.

Upthread l did actually try to point out that the bipolar disorder, if it exists, is not the problem and not the major contributor to the behaviour. Most people I’ve supported with bipolar have been accepting of their diagnosis and have participated in treatment. The NPD will prevent this man seeking treatment for it because he sees the whole as who he is and not something needing to be medicalised in any way.

I have actually known one or two people with NPD actually seek treatment in the form of CBT, but only after a major life crisis, and the therapy didn’t last long because invariably they see themselves as superior to the therapist and so unable to accept what they are told as anything other than criticism.

Time to leave. Start organising that today.

Apologies @ThreadGuardDog that is on me.

No problem. When the subject of a thread is close to one’s life or professional experience it’s difficult to stay neutral. There are some truly ignorant comments on the thread and it makes me wish l could impart my experience in a way that makes people understand how devastating these conditions can be, not just for the sufferer, but for everyone involved.

I suppose that was what I was getting to, PD don’t necessarily involve suffering for the person with it in the way MI does.

Very often with some PDs , ASPD and NPD in particular, people with them have incredibly stable belief systems and incredibly stable mental health instead the suffering is projected onto others.

This situation is different but the impact of the PD makes treating BPD much more unlikely and there is a distinct likelihood that the PD means that suffering is projected outwards in this situation too.

The parents are not the core issue here. The NPD is. It’s massively difficult to deal with, not least because the person sees the disorder as who they are and not something in need of treatment. That he has bipolar as well just complicates things because he’s unlikely to seek treatment for it - as far as he’s concerned he isn’t the problem, other people are the problem. I’d bet the farm that he’s telling everyone his wife was the cause of the marriage breakdown when the reality is far more likely to be the result of his own disordered behaviour.

I suspect the parents have indulged and enabled his behaviour throughout OP’s childhood and beyond, undoubtedly to the detriment of her mental and emotional wellbeing. And it sounds as though that cost is now being visited on her daughter because her parents are doubling down on their indulgence and enablement of his shitty behaviour once again, and right next door to her.

That's frequently the case but I think that we can't extrapolate too far, as the OP hasn't (at this point) indicated anything about her parents over-indulging her brother.

Think I’d talk to my parents about getting the locks on your side changed and installing a fence around your part of the garden. Now might be the time to start saving up to move out?

Yep. Certainly is. Periods of mania can cause reckless spending. The funds have to come from somewhere. And with NPD into the bargain it will always be someone else’s fault.

Allowing him to run around in their garden naked ? Praising him for using the money he stole from them to invest in his business ? Even allowing him back over the doorstep after he stole from them ? You don’t think any of this is the least bit indulgent or enabling of his behaviour ?

He manages not to run around naked at work though. How do you explain that?

You get to chose what you do, not your parents or your brother. You've offered up 2 diagnosed MH conditions, but then keep saying he's doing it on purpose. Yes, he may be an Ahole, but your parents have chosen to support him, and previously they have supported you.
Maybe this is the push you need to be more independent, and move.

I don't have to explain anything to you.

Haha. You can't explain it that's why.

If this makes you happy.

Bi = Two
Polar = opposite ends of

True, fair point. And actually, the OP doesnt mention her parents seeking help for him when abusing the family dog. Which also supports what you say.

I haven't read the whole thread but how did he steal money from them?

Re. running around naked, elderly parents rarely can physically restrain grown-up men with MH disorders.

He got his diagnoses somehow. Definitely not by his own choice, NPD do not seek help and OP said he does not accept the diagnoses. It's either his parents applied or the school referred him.

I’m going to state my experience of two prolonged exposures to diagnosed NPD’s one was sexual abuse of children in the family which is why I am expressing concern for the OP and particularly her vulnerable daughter, the second was a family member who was beaten and choked nearly to death by the diagnosed narcissist. Narcissistic people are generally emotionally and psychologically stable because they have very rigid and stable internal belief systems and experience very minimal cognitive dissonance. They are absolutely assured and certain of their rightness and behaviour no matter its impact.

It might be really helpful to the OP if you detail out your experiences of personality disorders so she can weight your comments appropriately.

Think of it as isolated episodes of impaired judgement. Bipolar Disorder causes highs and lows. Highs can be episodes of mania which include disinhibited behaviour. Exhibitionism isn’t typical of Bipolar disorder alone but this man has NPD too and the two disorders can impact on each other. Mania is fuelled by dopamine and energy surges, which in turn, fuels narcissism. During these episodes an over active reward system alters judgement and impulse control and the result is behaviour that is entirely out of character.

Re. running around naked, elderly parents rarely can physically restrain grown-up men with MH disorders.

Absolutely. I agree. But that doesn’t mean they have to tolerate repeated episodes of it, and especially when there is a vulnerable child involved. They know he has mental health issues and they are doing nothing to address the very real risk he poses to OP’s child.

Doing nothing in this case is enabling, if not indulgent and the likelihood is that their acceptance of his behaviour will result in OP losing her current home.