My asshole brother is back and causing chaos

[Gricmy]

My DD and I live next door to my parents in an adjoining property that belongs to them. I know that this will make me sound like a sponge but I really appreciate this as a single mom and they have always been such a great support, so I feel bad bitching now. I know that I'm really lucky to have them and they love DD and she effectively has a "real family" to grow up with.

My brother has now shattered this in his usual fashion. Moved in with our parents because his wife kicked him out and everything has been turned on its head. I honestly wouldn't mind if he was a good person but he is absolutely awful to be around and always has been. He was diagnosed with bipolar and narcissism years ago but never accepted this, but I think it will be enough to paint a picture how dreadful it is to live with him.

Since he has arrived he has taken over the whole place as his own. Boundaries are out of the window and everything revolves around him. I don't want my DD to be around him, and I also don't want to see my parents being taken such advantage of. I totally appreciate that I have benefitted from their kindness for a long time now, but I honestly have been trying to pay them back in kind and I have also not been renting rent free.
I think I'd be ok with any person living there apart from my brother in fact. I know that he will erode everything until there is nothing left for him to take and then move on.

Sorry. I know that this was a full blown rant and that the only reasonable thing for me to do is look into moving elsewhere. But I'm so fucking pissed at him and at the way that he treats our parents and everyone around him. And at the way he gets treated like the tragic victim of circumstances all the time.

Rant over. Sorry for venting 😡

You misunderstood I think. I am not disagreeing that he is a terrible human being (that’s your lived experience) - I am saying that the bipolar is not an excuse as it’s very unlikely to be the cause. Bipolar might make some of his actions more extreme - but him being an awful person is his personality, not his illness.

Nonsense. It's a question to ask just how much the OP is benefitting from the arrangement with her parents while the brother's actions are an accusation of bleeding them dry.

No. The brother is exposing himself to the OPs child!!! And you still twist it to make him some kind of victim! Disgusting!

It doesn’t matter if he has a mental illness or is just a prick or a combination of the two. The impact of his actions is the same and OP has right to protect herself, daughter and parents.

I'm a bit confused. You said that he has bipolar disorder, but now you're saying that he isn't mentally ill? Presumably he was diagnosed by a psychiatrist? Is he refusing medication?

She hasn't actually said that. Until she does make that clear - the only twisting here is being done by you.

He isn’t exposing himself to my child specifically but to everyone around him. It’s a damn control thing because he gets off on people being uncomfortable and intimidated. Nobody would want their child around that. But yeah, “mentally ill”.

She has said he is running around the shared garden naked! He knows full well that there is a child onsite! He knows full well there is a huge probability that his niece will see him running around the shared garden naked! What the fuck more do you need to know??

She's said he hasn't now.

Then your option is to move. But you'd have to pay more, I assume? I have to be honest - if he's as bad as you say and such a danger, I don't understand why you haven't immediately left. Surely your parents wouldn't expect you to give two month's notice?

Ffs. Categorising his condition is irrelevant.

You do know that bipolar is actually a mental illness? NPD isn’t, it’s a personality disorder, as I understand it.

It doesn’t mean that he isn’t also deliberately making people uncomfortable by exposing himself, which must be very difficult to live around with a young child.

She has definitely said that he is.

That’s not what she said! Re read what she has written!

Yes because there’s so much available affordable housing around these days! 🤷🏻‍♀️🙄

I'm sorry to take a tangent here, but everyone needs a Lasting Power of Attorney in place. They're taken out while you're of sound mind, so that your attorney/s can act when you're not. It cuts out 90% of the legal pain if/when you no longer have capacity. I took one out and appointed my attorneys when I was fifty. It's easily done via the government website.

I think it's vital that your parents take out LPAs, because if in the future either of them loses capacity, your brother could cause all kinds of grief (on top of all the general difficulties in getting deputyship when it's needed)

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/power-of-attorney/

Unless you've lived with someone like this, you wouldn't understand

I’d have compassion if he considered treatment or had a relapse but he doesn’t and I don’t think he ever will.

Invest in fencing and combination locks.
It will be cheaper to mark your territory than leave.
Invite your parents over often.
Install a dog.
Drive off with DM for coffee dates.
Drive off with DF often for walks in park.

Can parents portion off a section where DB can lock himself for a while each day too - affording your parents some predictable hours alone?

Call Police if DB exposes humself in public or in your home. Every time. The message to him should be loud and clear, that he needs to control his illness and that his family do not have to tolerate what is offensive to Joe Blow public.

I’m getting the locks changed later. I’m reluctant to call the police because when he gets angry he is explosive.
I suspect that at some stage his focus will shift back to his wife and that he had to leave because she will have gotten the police involved. Speculation only but I can’t see any other reason why he would have left.
My parents get alone time when he heads off to work

You’ll need to tell your parents that you’re getting the locks changed on their property

Hmm. As someone who has worked in Mental Health I think what is often missed is the fact that it’s possible for people to sadly have a diagnosis of MH conditions and also behave like a nasty bastard-and the first doesn’t automatically cancel out the second in terms of the response they should necessarily receive from those they are hurting.

You can have sympathy and compassion for the diagnosis and the person, whilst also not accepting their behaviour towards you and your loved ones withing a family set up. You are allowed some self preservation.
PP being judgy about you not having empathy for your brother have probably not experienced what’s it like to live with a destructive narcissist.

It’s unlikely your parents will ever listen to what you are saying about your brother. These are long term patterns in that relationship that are now not going to change. Can you afford to move away? If so, then plan to do so but say to your parents clearly that you want your good relationship with them to continue-just away from your brother. Those are your boundaries and hopefully they will value you you enough to respect them.

what is the time line, how old is your DD

Hopefully your brother's wife is okay?

I think you need to protect yourself and your daughter. Clearly your parents have set their own course with your brother.

No she doesn't. She needs to keep the replaced lock so they can be put back in when/ if she's leaves She needs to make sure they don't get a spare key.