My asshole brother is back and causing chaos

[Gricmy]

My DD and I live next door to my parents in an adjoining property that belongs to them. I know that this will make me sound like a sponge but I really appreciate this as a single mom and they have always been such a great support, so I feel bad bitching now. I know that I'm really lucky to have them and they love DD and she effectively has a "real family" to grow up with.

My brother has now shattered this in his usual fashion. Moved in with our parents because his wife kicked him out and everything has been turned on its head. I honestly wouldn't mind if he was a good person but he is absolutely awful to be around and always has been. He was diagnosed with bipolar and narcissism years ago but never accepted this, but I think it will be enough to paint a picture how dreadful it is to live with him.

Since he has arrived he has taken over the whole place as his own. Boundaries are out of the window and everything revolves around him. I don't want my DD to be around him, and I also don't want to see my parents being taken such advantage of. I totally appreciate that I have benefitted from their kindness for a long time now, but I honestly have been trying to pay them back in kind and I have also not been renting rent free.
I think I'd be ok with any person living there apart from my brother in fact. I know that he will erode everything until there is nothing left for him to take and then move on.

Sorry. I know that this was a full blown rant and that the only reasonable thing for me to do is look into moving elsewhere. But I'm so fucking pissed at him and at the way that he treats our parents and everyone around him. And at the way he gets treated like the tragic victim of circumstances all the time.

Rant over. Sorry for venting 😡

He does work and probably earns 3 times my salary unless he has lots of hidden depts which is possible. And he is out and going to work. I don't doubt that he is struggling (who isn't). I have told my parents that I don't want him near DD and I think they understand.

Calm down
my point is that it’s very strange and telling the Op is adamant that he doesn’t have a mental health condition

I suspect that @Gricmy has lived with so much in the past that mental illness or no, diagnosis or no, personality disorder or no, she just can't endure her brother any more.

Especially as narcissism, the real deal, tends to mean that the person will do what they want without any care as to the consequences to others. When you grow up around that, see your parents abused and stolen from, and then have to worry about your daughter, you might well stop caring about any diagnosis and just make sure that the leopard isn't about to eat you, or your daughter, for lunch.

It sounds like the Op means he has full capacity and is capable of knowing what he is doing and is in full control. There is a huge difference between having a mental health condition and actually being so mentally unwell your no longer in control.

Thank you so much for putting this better than I could

Do you pay market rent? Do you pay market rates for all the help and support they give you in other ways? If you don't - then is this you 'bleeding them dry'?

As I said, whatever the diagnosis, there’s no question that the OP’s brother is a very unpleasant person. The two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

They aren't mutually exclusive no, but I think the OP is looking for constructive advice as to how to deal with the situation and hopefully a few new ideas.

I'm afraid if your parents choose to house him, then you and DD need to move elsewhere. Then you can have your parents visit you and you need not see him again.

OP, there is absolutely nothing you can do. I have experienced something similar and I just had to leave. I have had no contact with my sister for over 5 years. My life is peaceful and I don’t have a bully constantly breathing down my neck. I used to walk around egg shells around her. It was horrible. She controlled the dynamics and was highly manipulative. I would suggest trying to build your life away from your parents and brother. Due to the proximity mix whatever you do, he will pull you into the mess.

Thing is, he does have a mental health issue. Well two to be fair.

He’s also a twat though.

🐄💩!!!
The Op has already stated that she pays rent. Doesn’t remotely sound like she is bleeding her parents dry. Nor is she acting in an inappropriate way in front of children. The brother is exposing himself in the garden in full knowledge that the OPs child is living there and could see him.

They aren’t wrong. I have benefited from the arrangement. I don’t think that I’ve been bleeding them. So fair challenge.

Bi polar and personality disorder are mental illnesses.

There’s a huge difference between benefitting and bleeding people dry and I imagine that your parents have benefited from having you next door too.

I really hope that at the very least your relationship with your parents can be salvaged regardless of what happens with your brother.

Have you considered asking them to divide the garden up if this lasts a long time? They can't be completely ignorant of how hard this is for you. And for what its worth - I've known people with very very serious bipolar - they were still lovely people who were deeply caring. The bipolar may make things worse, but it didn't make him a bad person, that's who he is just like if someone without bipolar was a terrible human being. I would never consider a personality disorder a "mental illness" either

Isn't exposing yourself to a child illegal? Running around naked in a shared garden where you KNOW a child lives is deliberate

You said ‘just to be clear’ twice and then made up your own take. She hasn’t said she wants her parents to ‘turn their backs’ on him. She’s said she’s concerned about his lack of boundaries on her young daughter. Hope that helps with the clarity.

It’s the narcissism that is my main concern. The bipolar part weighs in but I don’t think that this makes him a bad person. Anyway I can’t change this now.

I’ve got friends with bipolar, and that’s been my experience too. It doesn’t turn people into assholes. It’s simply the case that some people can be both mentally ill and unpleasant people, like the OP’s brother.

FWIW, it also doesn’t sound to me as if the OP is taking advantage of her parents, that’s an unfair accusation.

This, unfortunately.

A personality disorder is technically a mental illness but it doesn't matter here. What matters is the OP being able to be safe and relaxed in her own home, able to provide a nice environment for her daughter.

If she stays, there's this man running naked round the garden and constantly pushing boundaries.

If she moves, the previously close relationship with her parents is affected, and her daughter's relationship with her grandparents.

The possible technical differences between mental illness and a personality disorder aren't the crux of the issue here. Her brother isn't going to change, diagnosis or not. How to handle the situation is the crux.