Widow who wants to remarry...

[Ninetwenty]

I've been saying for years that I never would. It's too complicated with the conflict between the interests of DC and the marriage, but I'm starting to feel my age and frankly if anyone's going to be there for me as I get frail, it's more likely to be him than my adult sons! He's already supported me loads through caring for my parents, part of the reason I'm starting to feel this way is seeing how much more difficult things would have been for them if they lived alone.

My currently situation is that I have a large house and garden, too big for me, that I maintain to have space for DC to visit, which is a few times a year because of the distance. He lives in a rented flat, has some savings, but at a more "normal" level, I recognise I am very fortunate.

I have roughly the equivalent of the value of the house in savings and investments.

I have this idea that I could sell my big house and give the proceeds to DC as an early inheritance.

Then I would buy a much smaller, low maintenance place, possibly a flat in an upmarket block, using my savings and whatever DP is able to contribute.

I recognise that's a very good deal for him, and disadvantages my DC, but they don't do too badly out of it and I can't see a way for marriage to work unless you feel equal in it.

On my death DC would get everything, except the flat which would go to him, albeit that there might not be much left for DC to inherit, they'd have already had their share.

It doesn't necessarily need to involve a wedding, but I would like to move towards living with him, which again is something I said I never would.

Tell me about the pitfalls?

Sorry, did you already say how long you have been together?

However long it has been, financial gain was clear from the beginning. I'm sure.

Long game…

Not necessarily but she needs to be cautious

I told him before we were even together I'd never marry or live with a man again, and the reasons for it, and have reinforced it since. In fact, when his friends rib him about "wedding bells", his response is "why would Nine marry me?"

Why have you changed your mind?

I explained why in OP and again since.

Quite

Apologies, just reread you OP. So you are looking for someone to look after you when you are old and frail. Very risky business

It is remarkable how many people with totally undeceased spouses are so confident of exactly how they would act if they were widowed.

Credit to you, OP, for staying so civil in the face of some very provocative posts.

I get it. I was exactly the same before he died and for a long tine afterwards.

Rather like it's best to stay quiet on child rearing until you've raised your own to fullying functioning adulthood - you've really no idea until you've been there.

It is sad that there are so many stories of later-life partners taking advantage of the wealthier person in the relationship. I understand why people are cynical. But those people who are 100% confident that OP's partner is a romance fraudster / on the make etc. are just not credible.

OP is only in her 50s. Why is everyone responding as if she's in imminent need of a care home or carers?

Also how many of you saying why would you want to live with a man, are doing so from a home they share with a man?

I take the point about the financial caution but some of you are acting as if she shouldn't want or expect any relationship at all - maybe a gentleman companian who takes her to church once a week or something.

Also given that she's not old, she's entitled to live her life and spend her money rather than hoard it for her adult children - she's already suggested being very generous with them.

Bloody harsh expectations on widows, I must say.

I feel that DC will do very well either way. As long as my future is secure, which it is because of my income, if I make a poor decision and end up losing the rest of their inheritance, so be it. It's no different to me selling up and spending it all on a world cruise or investing in a hobby business, or giving it to charity.

To be fair, the OP herself has said that she changed her mind about marrying again because she was concerned about who would look after her when she was old and frail.

And it's not surprising to me that many of us saying why would you want to live with a man, are doing so from a home we share with a man! Never again 😀

I think there's also a part of me that wonders if it's very good for DC to have too much land in their lap, and we may have passed that already, with generous help they've had from GPs.

It would be upsetting for you though if you were scammed?

I share a home with a man and I love it, I can totally understand why others would want to if they also get one of the decent ones.

I think it’s the marrying part that a lot of older posters are saying to be wary about. Have a relationship, have fun, even share a living space, pay for things that you want to do together if needs be but don’t marry. Take advice to consider all scenarios before doing anything that could jeopardise your security and comfort later in life.

Tell me again, when you've spent a few years cooking for one and doing all your own DIY, dealing with tradesmen, seeing to your own car etc etc. I'm perfectly capable and enjoyed it to begin with, but it wears thin and everything gets harder as you get older. Things like having no one to pass the stuck jar to!

You see the disadvantages of living with a man. Presumably you thought there were advantages when you decided to do it.

When I was newly widowed a friend told me it's having no one to do nothing with that's hard, and it's true. Living separately, we do loads together, but we don't do nothing together.

Lots of things are upsetting. Being widowed was upsetting. Does that mean I should never have married?

Huh?

Of course he cares for her, as in shows her care - she has given examples of this.

But the support that you can give each other on a day to day basis is clearly vastly different if you live together than if you don't.

She's not 'giving him a tonne of her assets' - she's contemplating sharing the next 2-3 decades of her life with a man she loves.

Your final paragraph is the crux, really. There's a big difference between dating and living together, and it's the latter that builds the true intimacy. One of the nicest parts of a relationship is lying around on the sofa together eating pizza and watching shite.

That’s fair enough, you obviously know what is best for you.
I find living apart from my long term partner is the best of both worlds.

I was in a very similar situation to you, widowed with a very large house and mortgage free. I met my partner and moved nearer to him, although he had his own house and a renter both had mortgages on. So when we decided to move in together we bought a business and took out another mortgage. I didn’t like the idea that his children would potentially benefit from all I had put in financially so we had a will made up with a clause that splits the estate between our children once we have both passed away. We also had a clause put in that his estranged child cannot make a claim on the estate. I must admit sometimes it does rile me that I am now so hard up when I could have had a comfortable life. It has also caused quite a bit of upset with my children but that’s another story. Sorry if that’s not helped much