Widow who wants to remarry...

[Ninetwenty]

I've been saying for years that I never would. It's too complicated with the conflict between the interests of DC and the marriage, but I'm starting to feel my age and frankly if anyone's going to be there for me as I get frail, it's more likely to be him than my adult sons! He's already supported me loads through caring for my parents, part of the reason I'm starting to feel this way is seeing how much more difficult things would have been for them if they lived alone.

My currently situation is that I have a large house and garden, too big for me, that I maintain to have space for DC to visit, which is a few times a year because of the distance. He lives in a rented flat, has some savings, but at a more "normal" level, I recognise I am very fortunate.

I have roughly the equivalent of the value of the house in savings and investments.

I have this idea that I could sell my big house and give the proceeds to DC as an early inheritance.

Then I would buy a much smaller, low maintenance place, possibly a flat in an upmarket block, using my savings and whatever DP is able to contribute.

I recognise that's a very good deal for him, and disadvantages my DC, but they don't do too badly out of it and I can't see a way for marriage to work unless you feel equal in it.

On my death DC would get everything, except the flat which would go to him, albeit that there might not be much left for DC to inherit, they'd have already had their share.

It doesn't necessarily need to involve a wedding, but I would like to move towards living with him, which again is something I said I never would.

Tell me about the pitfalls?

If you downsize and give your money away, you deprived yourself of choice if you ever need care in the future, that your partner may be too old to provide. Why do you need to get married at your age anyway? You can still have a partner. Downsizing and giving your money away so you meet your partner on an equal footing is madness. How did he get himself in such a poor position anyway? Not a position I would ever put myself in for anyone.

Yes, except I've said multiple times I won't be giving all my money away.

I've also answered all your other questions.

Of course you should marry him, you love each other

When your DH died did your sons inherit anything from him directly, or did he leave everything to you?

I'm thinking that my will (and DH has a 'mirror') says that half of everything i own goes to our children and the rest to him. So I feel that's his to do what he likes with really!

Has she said that?

No, it all came to me. I gave them the life insurance money that came from his work and pensions. Six figures between them.

My MIL married second time in her life and she is miserable to put it mildly. He developed a gambling addiction and she has to monitor that on top of just living with a man that grumpy, rude and now included in her will. They are both now twenty years later and both have had health battles. It’s not some great romance.

If I ever was in a scenario of being single I’d never consider a second relationship above casual and would never even want the guy to visit my house so he doesn’t know where I live and turn up unexpectedly. Don’t want to know about his family including any kids, friends, health, issues, money and opinions.

As you can tell, marriage is one and done for me in this lifetime!

Good luck, OP!

Where’s he going to live when he retires and stops being able to pay the rent?

How much of his income is he saving for retirement? Does he have a pension?

I would not remarry.
What's wrong with the status quo?
Could your boyfriend not just stay over some days and then you have time to yourself.

Eventually, after almost 40yrs together:- "Reader: I married him". Why?
Because, the house was solely 'mine' (tho', over the years, he'd put enormous amounts of work & some £££ into it) & the pension was mine.

He had vv little / nothing (he was, in fact, a mixed blessing - a story for some other time).
I had to think (tho' he was older): what if I died first? In which case the spousal entitlement to half my (quite nice) occupational pension would've died with me. He would've had no entitlement to it. So, we married. My will (and we had mirror wills) stated he had full right of occupancy till his death. DC was cool with that. Everything was left to DC.

In the event, he died first. But I'm glad I protected him, even tho' I had / still have deep doubts about marriage.
Which is to say, OP, I see what you're trying to bring about. I think you're right. Good luck to you. Just get the best advice. Then bite the bullet. 💞

At your age and your disposition the plan is not an unreasonable one and quite frankly my children would love e to have a sizeable chunk of their anticipated inheritances in their late thirties/ forties and then another smaller top up after they've retired, assuming normal life expectancy etc.

The only thing I would do is buy the nice but smaller property as as tenants in common, in shares that accord with your % purchase contributions,0 and then make mutual wills creating a life interest in each other halves for the surviving spouse. That way you can still help your children and grandchildren eventually , and he is not made homeless, and vice versa. Go and see a lawyer to get paperwork drawn up.

OP, I think you should do what you want and what makes you happy. It’s your money but you seem to be concentrating on what will make the DC and DP happy. I also think you are coming at this from a highly emotional place of dealing with your Dparents and their increasing frailty. You are only 59. I would do nothing for the time being. You could ruin you DCs lives by leaving an early inheritance - especially “failure to launch” DS2. It could completely undermine the work he and you have done to ensure he is independent. Don’t discombobulate him with a big wad of cash. Use it when they need it. Help with flat deposits/weddings etc.
Your DP sounds lovely but there is a huge discrepancy in assets. He’s been good in supporting you with DP but you would have done the same for him. He doesn’t need rewarding with life-long support.
If you have not lived together please take it slowly. Make no decisions from this emotional place. You are projecting your Dparents plight on yourself. Nothing is a given, as you well know. Look after yourself. In my 60s I’m healthier and fitter than I was in my 50s. I’m investing in my own heath, fitness, appearance and happiness for the first time in ages as kids are now grown and I can do so without feeling guilty. It has been liberating. Put yourself first for a little bit. Do what you want. Supporting aged parents is super draining. Look after yourself. You are not them. You are only 59. Live a little bit for the moment and don’t make decisions from a place of fear. Do NOTHING without sound legal advice. You deserve happiness and you don’t have to sort out everyone else’s lives first.

Honestly OP you sound more sensible, fair and switched on than the majority of responders on this thread. Your initial plan to pass on house value now and then marry sounds reasonable, as does staying unmarried but arranging for the new house to pass to dp on your death. It’s wise to be on the lookout for scroungers but you can’t go through life constantly suspicious of your nearest and dearest, and there are things other than inheritance that are worth caring about.

It’s a really dumb thing to do.

What is dumb? Contemplating a second marriage? Or assuming everyone is a scrounger?

Some people prefer living together though.

Please do not be offended here, but might your partner have begun to distance himself ,even very subtly by any chance, prior to your change of heart regarding marriage?

Pensions and savings, or if that isn’t enough, the housing element of UC

OP’s request was “tell me about the pitfalls”. I think it’s a bit rough that she’s now being snippy with people for doing just that.

OP, without putting numbers on things it’s very difficult for anyone to advise you. You’re essentially giving away 75% of your assets. It makes a big difference whether that leaves you with £50k or £50m. If you’re confident that your needs are met in any event then go for it, but it would be sensible to take some professional advice on the technical side.

Problem with scammers is they know how to play you. How to say and do the right things.
Not that he is a scammer, it's just hard to say.
Not every man who gets with a wealthy woman is on the make, just like Not every woman who marries money is a gold digger.

OP’s request was “tell me about the pitfalls”. I think it’s a bit rough that she’s now being snippy with people for doing just that.

Given that some people aren’t just commenting on financials, but suggesting she’s a fool getting scammed, not surprising if she’s not sweetness and light, is it?

That, to me would be more important than inheritance for the children. I would hate to risk being homeless and poor in my old age and have to watch him walk away with my money.

If you die within 7 years of doing this then it is seen as deprivation of assets I think.

You can put a property in trust which means if one dies the other is not forced to sell.

What makes you think that?