Widow who wants to remarry...

[Ninetwenty]

I've been saying for years that I never would. It's too complicated with the conflict between the interests of DC and the marriage, but I'm starting to feel my age and frankly if anyone's going to be there for me as I get frail, it's more likely to be him than my adult sons! He's already supported me loads through caring for my parents, part of the reason I'm starting to feel this way is seeing how much more difficult things would have been for them if they lived alone.

My currently situation is that I have a large house and garden, too big for me, that I maintain to have space for DC to visit, which is a few times a year because of the distance. He lives in a rented flat, has some savings, but at a more "normal" level, I recognise I am very fortunate.

I have roughly the equivalent of the value of the house in savings and investments.

I have this idea that I could sell my big house and give the proceeds to DC as an early inheritance.

Then I would buy a much smaller, low maintenance place, possibly a flat in an upmarket block, using my savings and whatever DP is able to contribute.

I recognise that's a very good deal for him, and disadvantages my DC, but they don't do too badly out of it and I can't see a way for marriage to work unless you feel equal in it.

On my death DC would get everything, except the flat which would go to him, albeit that there might not be much left for DC to inherit, they'd have already had their share.

It doesn't necessarily need to involve a wedding, but I would like to move towards living with him, which again is something I said I never would.

Tell me about the pitfalls?

You want to control your DH, forever, after you're dead?

Dh woukd recognise that we were only in the position we were becuase of my financial management and, I think, understand that things need to be equal for a successful realtionship. We never had any seperate money at all.

It’s not controlling though. It’s making sure everyone is fairly treated. You’d be surprised how quickly people show their true colours where inheritance is concerned.

Yes that's what worries me, having seen what happened to two other families when they followed advice to leave a lifetime trust.

My DC will do very nicely out of it. There comes a point when they'll have "enough". If I want to risk somenof the rest on setting up a nice life for myself, it's my money.

You do need to think of yourself. I think giving your children a lump sum each and buying a shared property is a good idea, that property can be bought as tenants in common with your share passing on to your dc but your dp having a lifetime interest, meaning he can stay there until he dies, goes into a care home or sells, at that point your dc get their share (get legal advice on precise wording including maintenance).

That is the exact definition if control. You want to 'make sure' which restricts what he's able to do with his life and his money.

This is great advice 👏

Looks like OP will go ahead. No doubt it makes you OP more attractive to potential partners (such as this penniless younger one) to be solvent and wealthy enough. Fair enough - go ahead. When you're married he gets 50% of everything when you split (which you very well might do once he's got the contract).

Wow.

That was worded very harshly but you are being naive OP. Even if he has honourable intentions at the moment, people can change completely if a relationship breaks down. Read some of the horror stories on MN.
You really need to protect yourself. Why are you so keen to share a property with him rather than carrying on living separately and spending time together?

Yes sorry it was worder harshly. But it's all true. OP I hope you are happy whatever happens.

No, I want my children, rather than a stranger, to ultimately inherit from me.

Your thread has made me consider how much of my money I may just pass straight to my children, by-passing my spouse, so that there is no possibility of my spouse later talking themselves into believing that I wouldn't mind if it went to a stranger.

Maybe your DH would have a different view. Only you and your children are likely to know.

I'm being the opposite of naive. I'm looking at and understanding the risks and assessing if they're acceptable to me.

You would have nothing for a care home. Current cost of my DM’s is £80,000 per year. To be allowed in one as a private funder you have to usually show evidence of at least three years worth of funding. I’d be very careful.

Fair enough.
I’m guessing that you had a very happy relationship with your late DH because a lot of widowed or divorced women are happier living alone and would never contemplate sharing with a partner again.

Yeah, usedvto hear a lot of the older generation of widows say they loved their husband but they wouldn't want him back. I think it was because it was the first time a lot of them had true independence in their lives.

There wouldn't be "nothing" for a care home. I have retirement income which could cover most of that, and there'd still be some cash.

Also, why do you have to give him a tonne of your assets and marry him to get him to care for you? Shouldn’t he care for you anyway? Just carry on living as you are, but downsize to a more suitable property but do NOT live with him or give him the new property.

This is a sensible approach.

Although you could also have your will say that he can live in the new place until death, at which point it goes to your son.

Then in another 10 years or so, you can change the will so the new place goes to DP, or to your son if DP has passed.

if money runs out after 3 years, do they move the resident to a different home?

The income isn't going to run out, and savings to cover the rest would last a while.

I am curious about realdeal7393's DM's care home. As a general query.

I hope you can pick out the useful advice and information from the wilder conspiracy theorists, doom mongers and mummy martyrs OP. You are right to be cautious but you should live your life for you.

My view - giving someone a lifetime interest in a property creates problems. They might not be in a position to maintain it to the standards “required” by the heirs, and they might not want to stay for the rest of their life.

I’m sure there is a solution out there that will protect you financially and also enable you to share your life with the person you choose.

Blimey, you really are in a good financial position so all the more reason to protect your assets.
Also, if you set things up initially so that he doesn’t benefit at all financially from your relationship, then that will confirm whether his motives are genuine. You can always reassess further down the line by giving him lifetime occupancy rights to your property. He wouldn’t be losing anything from living rent free in your property as he only rents at the moment anyway.

He's stuck around for a long time so far without any financial gain, or the prospect of any.

Inheritance is a privilege, not a right, IMO. OP has said repeatedly that the fact she has assets isn’t solely down to her late DH. By giving her DC the income from the sale of the family home, you could argue she’s effectively passing on her late DH’s ‘share’ of the assets they once jointly owned. Surely her ‘share’ is then hers to do with as she wants.

The inheritance my parents worked hard all their lives to save for me and my siblings was largely swallowed up by private care costs. The same could potentially happen to the OP’s money — or it might not. Perhaps her new DP will, in the absence of any DC of his own, leave everything to the OP’s DC. No one knows — but I’d have loved my parents to have been healthy enough to have spent their money on lavish holidays and the like, even if that left nothing for me. This situation seems similar to me — okay, the OPs not talking about luxury cruises, say — but she’s still relatively young and wants to enjoy her life. And why shouldn’t she? Especially as she’ll be gifting her DC a (presumably substantial) sum of money as well, from the sale of the family home.

I’d be inclined to talk it through with your DC, OP, but then go for it — if that’s what you think will make you happy. Good luck!