Widow who wants to remarry...

[Ninetwenty]

I've been saying for years that I never would. It's too complicated with the conflict between the interests of DC and the marriage, but I'm starting to feel my age and frankly if anyone's going to be there for me as I get frail, it's more likely to be him than my adult sons! He's already supported me loads through caring for my parents, part of the reason I'm starting to feel this way is seeing how much more difficult things would have been for them if they lived alone.

My currently situation is that I have a large house and garden, too big for me, that I maintain to have space for DC to visit, which is a few times a year because of the distance. He lives in a rented flat, has some savings, but at a more "normal" level, I recognise I am very fortunate.

I have roughly the equivalent of the value of the house in savings and investments.

I have this idea that I could sell my big house and give the proceeds to DC as an early inheritance.

Then I would buy a much smaller, low maintenance place, possibly a flat in an upmarket block, using my savings and whatever DP is able to contribute.

I recognise that's a very good deal for him, and disadvantages my DC, but they don't do too badly out of it and I can't see a way for marriage to work unless you feel equal in it.

On my death DC would get everything, except the flat which would go to him, albeit that there might not be much left for DC to inherit, they'd have already had their share.

It doesn't necessarily need to involve a wedding, but I would like to move towards living with him, which again is something I said I never would.

Tell me about the pitfalls?

How old are you? If you give your money now to your children and they get divorced they could lose a chunk of it. What happens when you need cash for a care home? How do you feel living in a small flat? What if you have to care for DP?

Not having your own space! Maybe live together as a trial run before you buy a flat together.

Make sure it’s not a retirement flat with extortionate service charges no one can ever get rid of.

How old are you both?

In theory, there is a lot of benefit in what you are thinking. However, it might be worth throwing some money at it first. A good tax accountant who can look at your finances and talk you through various scenarios and a good lawyer who specialises in estate planning etc who has also come across all the scenarios before. Accountants and lawyers do different things. You need one of each. This is all new to you - it really won’t be new to them.

And don’t discuss it with anyone until you have taken good advice.

If you remarry your children will receive less inheritance because you plan to make him a beneficiary.

You could have a will drawn up like my sister. Her DH gets to live in her very nice bungalow until his death if she dies first. It delays her children’s inheritance and she hasn’t been able to give them big chunks of money beforehand. It does mean if he remarried then it’s never going to anyone but her children.

But you do need to see professionals about this.

I wouldn’t remarry.

I think it depends how old you are. If you’re in your 70s then I wouldn’t as your kids will lose their rights for just a few years of support.

if you’re early 50s you could easily have three decades together - three decades that your sons would no doubt be very happy to see you supported in and acknowledge means that he’s entitled to inheritance. Especially if you make major gifts first.

I think maintaining a big house because you have visitors a few times a year could be expensive and stressful, especially as you age. Moving somewhere smaller makes sense. If you want the family to all stay together for things like Christmas you could either rent a large enough holiday home together or find somewhere nearby for your children to stay - you could pay for that if you wanted and were able to.

Get legal advice and make a will. If your partner contributes to somewhere you move to to live together then his investment needs protecting too.

You should seek legal advice but of course you should get married if you want to!

There’s no need to marry for you to look after each other.

Why do you need to remarry and why do you need to leave the flat to him. I'd set the deeds up so that you both own your own half seperately and put my half in trust so it goes to the kids once he dies, if you even die first.

But in this scenario if he dies first, and leaves his half to someone other than o/p, then she would have to buy them out/sell up to pay them.

does he have any children or loved ones he would leave his assets to o/p?

it does depend on your age. Like pp have said if you’re 50’s then it’s reasonable to leave him something as he will have invested considerably over the years.

Is inheritance tax a factor? You’ll lose part of your allowance by not leaving your home to your kids (although potentially also save if you live 7 years after giving them the money). Really all depends how much it all is and whether you need to factor tax into it.

On a practical note, I’d suggest you try living together first. It would be awful to make all these changes then find you can’t stand living with him but are stuck.

How old are your children? Do you think they’re ready for a large sum of money?

You mention that you’ve been keeping the large house so that DC can visit. How would things work in a flat?

Generally speaking I’m in favour of passing on inheritance early- can be tax efficient and can give the mext generation money when it’s actually useful. But you also need to think about yourself, whether all your needs will be met with what you have left and whether you still have enough money to say “fuck you all” if necessary. (Eg what happens if you do anll this and then split from your partner. Could you manage with half the value of the flat? If not, maybe don’t marry and just leave it to him in your will.)

Also what happens if he dies first? Fine if he leaves his share of the flat to you but if he leaves it someone else you could be out on your ear.

I thought that if she dies first then he is free to make a will however he likes? Also her children may not inherit until they are elderly and would be liable for house maintenance until then I think?

Would you cohabit rather than legally marry?

I live with my partner in my house. We are not married. He contributes to bills but not the mortgage. I don’t want him to contribute to the mortgage as the house is mine alone and I will leave it to my children. It works for us as I am in a much stronger financial position and I want the benefits of that to go to my children.

Could you remain unmarried, but he moves in with you, either in your current or a smaller property, but he keeps and rents out his own property?

Which professional would be best to talk to?

A solicitor, an accountant or a financial advisor?

I always wonder in these situations.

@Ninetwenty You need to put this into
legal. There’s plenty you can do.

You can give dc money and they can ring fence it within their estates. You can leave your share of a flat to your dc. Your partner could leave his share (and it doesn’t have to be 50:50) to his dc, but you stay in the flat for as long as you want if he dies first. Ditto if you die first.

You get a watertight pre nup drawn up and you make it clear your contribution is ring fenced. If you were married 30 years, it’s not so watertight but would be for some years if you were 60.

You need to see a solicitor about all of this. You don’t need to get married at all but it could be cohabiting couples get the same rights as married couples soon so whatever you do, get legal agreements drawn up.

One of each. They will all look at different things which will make up the larger picture.

Why do you have to marry in order to
live together? Just move in together and leave him the house/flat on a life interest such that it reverts to your children after his death.

@Palepinkish In this case the will has been drawn up so he can’t will the house away. On one hand it can be seen as good but it has its pitfalls like the maintenance issue.

See a solicitor who is an expert in this field. Perhaps also a tax accountant/expert.

Care is needed

Lots of it