Widow who wants to remarry...

[Ninetwenty]

I've been saying for years that I never would. It's too complicated with the conflict between the interests of DC and the marriage, but I'm starting to feel my age and frankly if anyone's going to be there for me as I get frail, it's more likely to be him than my adult sons! He's already supported me loads through caring for my parents, part of the reason I'm starting to feel this way is seeing how much more difficult things would have been for them if they lived alone.

My currently situation is that I have a large house and garden, too big for me, that I maintain to have space for DC to visit, which is a few times a year because of the distance. He lives in a rented flat, has some savings, but at a more "normal" level, I recognise I am very fortunate.

I have roughly the equivalent of the value of the house in savings and investments.

I have this idea that I could sell my big house and give the proceeds to DC as an early inheritance.

Then I would buy a much smaller, low maintenance place, possibly a flat in an upmarket block, using my savings and whatever DP is able to contribute.

I recognise that's a very good deal for him, and disadvantages my DC, but they don't do too badly out of it and I can't see a way for marriage to work unless you feel equal in it.

On my death DC would get everything, except the flat which would go to him, albeit that there might not be much left for DC to inherit, they'd have already had their share.

It doesn't necessarily need to involve a wedding, but I would like to move towards living with him, which again is something I said I never would.

Tell me about the pitfalls?

To be honest I think it's a good idea, however, I'd still suggest getting some legal and financial advice. I also agree that the surviving spouse having a life interest in a shared home is a terrible idea. However, as you're only in your 50s I think giving away half of your assets is too risky. I'd be more inclined to set aside half of any house sale for your children now and investing the other half.

What would happen if the relationship broke down?

Would you have enough to set yourself up again?

Does he have any lingering debts etc that would mean a joint asset would be at risk?

What's his longer term plans? He is younger than you so no pension at least 10 years.... Any pension funds? Beware that if he doesn't and isn't eligible to state pension, the rules mean you end up funding him.

Also note that the government had consultation on changing rules around couples living together. Some research on this would be prudent.

I'm always super cautious. I do like your sentiment about making things as equal as possible. But I'd need a belt and braces approach to ensure no gotchas.

I would be looking for a way to do a sort of trial run of living together before making any large financial decisions that would assume it's going to work out. Living together might not suit you both.

Read this back OP.

'he's never had a future to plan for ...'

Is that him or you saying that?

This makes me feel a bit wary and uncomfortable. It feels like a bit of a play.

ETA. If you knew of him. Then he knows of you. And will know there or thereabouts your financial situation - even if you haven't been explicit. It might be innocent. Or it may not be. I'd just be cautious as it's not like when you are younger and can earn back financial errors..

This

If you spouse needs care doesn't all your assets both separate and joint get assessed as well. Heard of people getting caught out this way.
Having said that, only a small percentage of people actually end life in a resthome and the average stay is less than a year. Some can be a lot longer though.

He hasn't articulated why he didn't secure his future, beyond being cross with himself about the huge sums he blew as a young man, when he had his best opportunities, but never having dependents means he never needed to. Even now, as a single man, he's fine, with somewhere to live and more than enough income to fund his lifestyle.

Just do everything you want to do without getting married.

How are you so sure that you want to live with him? Wouldn’t it be better to carry on with your own space and still look after each other. You never really know someone until you live with them and then it’s hard to back out of the situation

OP you only get one life, you're not old, it would be ridiculous to spend the next few decades with your main focus being your children's inheritance rather than living your own life in a way that makes you happy.

You're clearly switched on and won't go into anything blindly.

I do totally get why you'd want to be married - I married my DH with no intention of having children, it felt important and right for us.

I'd seek legal advice about giving anything, regarding tax etc. But does he make you happy? You talk about him looking after you, and your kids not doing, but think about how you really feel emotionally.
As for care, I've known of daughters who do nothing for their parents, and some sons who are loving and caring once they grow up, plus husbands/wives who go from being fit and healthy to not able to look after themselves, never mind anyone else, in a very short time.

This. They all seem to have different agreements. I know someone in London who is in an apartment that doesn't have a maintenance fund so when something randomly needs doing every owner has to stump up straight away.
Also, if you have been living in a big detached house living in close quarters with neighbours at the same time as moving a man in could be a lot.
Could you not just find a smaller house that still gives you a little garden?

Never heard of it working tbh. Children get impatient for their inheritance and start getting up to all sorts so partner finds it easier to move out.
Partner moves new partner in and refuses to leave as per agreement so expensive legal actions needed.
Remaining partner can't or wont maintain the place and Children aren't able to, or don't want to for various reasons.
I'm sure it works sometimes but we only hear about the troubled ones.

Yes, I've been saying for ages, since before DH died in fact, that my dream home is a beautifully appointed compact luxury flat but it needs to be detached 😆

The problem I have, is if I want to say in the area where my friends and hobbies (and job) are, moving to a smaller house means moving to a not especially nice part of town, or to a bungalow which would probably still come with a large garden and would cost as much as the current house.

Don’t move in with him. Men are annoying pigs when you can’t get away from them

Why don’t you sell your house & his flat & buy a bungalow together.

Invest anything left over & leave all the invested assets to your DC. The new bungalow/flat is bought between you & is left to each other in the event of your deaths. Make an agreement that after you’ve both died it’s split been your DC & whoever he chooses. And just accept that this part of the DC inheritance could be lost if he changes his will in the future.

I like the kind and thoughtful way you are approaching this OP. I too have seen the scenario a couple of times where the remaining partner stays in the house and it's been uncomfortable all round

I have also heard bungalows that used to be cheap are now quite expensive and hard to get with so many older people downsizing.

In your situation I would never marry & would sort housing & financial stuff to align with my wishes. marriage would give too little control and too much risk and would be no guarantee of your partner caring for you if it came to it.

Because he rents his flat and bungalows generally cost the same if not more than my house.

I think that if you don’t have children it’s a much easier decision.

Don’t do it. You’re looking at this through rose tinted specs. The chances are, you could end up caring for a sick man. Imagine your older years caring for someone with dementia.

I have quite a few friends in this type of situation.

A carer comes in for 15 minutes twice a day, or whatever.

An elderly couple will have love, companionship and can play to each other's strengths and weaknesses - maybe one can't do the bills any more cos of failing memory but can do the washing up cos the pots go away where they always did.

Not having dependents is the reason he doesn't have assets. He's never had a future to plan for.

This is a poor reason. If he does think like this then it shows he is the type of person who doesn't take responsibility for himself.

People without dependents are more likely to safeguard their future because they rely on themselves.

Not sure how to say this but you do seem a bit naive and too trusting.

Buy a pair of semi-detached properties. You live in one and rent the other to him so you are around to spend time with and support each other but you are protecting your finances and sanity.