Widow who wants to remarry...

[Ninetwenty]

I've been saying for years that I never would. It's too complicated with the conflict between the interests of DC and the marriage, but I'm starting to feel my age and frankly if anyone's going to be there for me as I get frail, it's more likely to be him than my adult sons! He's already supported me loads through caring for my parents, part of the reason I'm starting to feel this way is seeing how much more difficult things would have been for them if they lived alone.

My currently situation is that I have a large house and garden, too big for me, that I maintain to have space for DC to visit, which is a few times a year because of the distance. He lives in a rented flat, has some savings, but at a more "normal" level, I recognise I am very fortunate.

I have roughly the equivalent of the value of the house in savings and investments.

I have this idea that I could sell my big house and give the proceeds to DC as an early inheritance.

Then I would buy a much smaller, low maintenance place, possibly a flat in an upmarket block, using my savings and whatever DP is able to contribute.

I recognise that's a very good deal for him, and disadvantages my DC, but they don't do too badly out of it and I can't see a way for marriage to work unless you feel equal in it.

On my death DC would get everything, except the flat which would go to him, albeit that there might not be much left for DC to inherit, they'd have already had their share.

It doesn't necessarily need to involve a wedding, but I would like to move towards living with him, which again is something I said I never would.

Tell me about the pitfalls?

Christ - it’s your money - spend it on what makes you happy.

all this hanging onto money in case your kids divorce, not being happy because at some point in the future your kids might want cash.

if you can treat someone materially and they treat you with love and respect seems like a fair deal.

I am surprised at the hard time you are getting in this thread! Presumably by selling your current house your sons will both get a decent amount of money now (often more useful than getting an inheritance in your 50s for example). As a child of divorced parents, having a single elderly parent is actually quite stressful and I would 100% take having less inheritance and having that support and comfort knowing your parent is happy and not alone. And more importantly, you deserve to still build a life. He sounds like a good partner and I hope that buying a shared home together gives you both security and happiness

Think it’s a particularly great deal for him!

So what? Is life merely a financial transaction?

she’s said he’s supported her and cared for her with what he has- and while the OP (who seems lovely by the way) was left in a financially strong position she doesn’t want to see her days out alone.

has a man who has shown himself to love her - but isn’t loaded.

value of nothing, cost of everything springs to mind. You’re a long time dead OP.

Not alone but don’t marry. I guess I am more wary as have seen a few friends, family and acquaintances wishing that they’d been a little more objective, I think most of us have by the time we’re in our 60s. The OP does sound lovely and she’s right to consider carefully and I hope she has a great life whatever she decides to do.

Yes, right of residency is a good way to safeguard an inheritance, while not depriving a second spouse of their home. It needs to be watertight though.

How, what does watertight mean? What happens in practice to prevent e.g. children trying to bully him out, or their inheritance going to ruin because he doesn't maintain it? Even if there are legal mechanisms isn't it all very stressful for everyone? It certainly has been in both the cases I've seen. So, whilst it sounds like a good solution, no.

I agree with your plans but 2 things

1. if it all goes wrong, and you separate, will half of your new flat and any savings/ income you have set you up on your own?

2. are your children old enough to inherit without it damaging them?

My grandfather also did this with his second wife. She had no property or children. His will provided for her accomodation until her death. After his death the family sold his bungalow, bought her a retirement flat owned by the family in trust and when she died 4 years later we had the property to sell. Unfortunately the retirement flat was difficult to sell and we lost thousands.

PS I’d want to marry

So, on reflection, I thinking

Don't marry
Own the new place in my name on the understanding it goes to him on my death, but not if we split.

I agree with you that it can get very messy if the surviving spouse is allowed to live in the property and your son would have received an early inheritance anyway.

You have to think about yourself and your future as well as your son's.

I assume that you will be buying the flat as joint tenants so that when one of you dies, their half goes to the surviving spouse. You just need to be aware that it is possible to sever a joint tenancy unilaterally.

I am the same.
I live with my partner in my house. I own the house, I pay the mortgage, he contributes to bills and holidays.
If he dies first his assets will go to his children/grandchildren (I assume, we haven't talked about it).

If I die first, my will provides for him to continue living in the house as long as he wants to; the rest of my assets go directly to my DD.

@Ninetwenty I suggest you need to have a frank discussion with your DP about what you both want now (in terms of living together), and what you both want to happen on your death (and consider both scenarios).

How long have you been with him OP? Don’t jump into living together too quickly

No it goes into Trust and the property is his for the remainder of his life only

Yes. I wouldn't advise living together at all. Stay as you are, spend as much time together as you want to, downsize your place if you want to and buy in help if you need it.

OP, you seem like a nice person, but your thread does scream cocklodger. He might be a nice bloke but is it worth finding out the hard way that he’s not?

Also, you seem a bit unhappy with your DC. Maybe it’s because mine are younger, and I may feel differently, but there’s no way I’d take a penny off my DCs inheritance for a man who wasn’t their father.

That money you have accumulated over the years is not just yours. It was built as a partnership between you and your children’s father. It’s not yours to give away to some bloke who didn’t earn it. If I was widowed I would look on my money as my DHs as well and that should be going to his kids.

@Ninetwenty your position sounds similar to mine. My DP is a good man, but he's made some poor financial decisions and also had some bad luck - the upshot is that he has far less in the way of savings/assets than I do.

In answer to your question, I discussed it all with my DD before doing it, and I trust my DD and my DP to both behave like caring, responsible adults and to respect my wishes as set out in my will.
DP will maintain the house (DD might have to release money for that purpose if anything large needs doing).

DD won't pressure him to leave - she's an independent adult and can support herself.

The trick is not to try to create a watertight will (or so I was advised), but to set out your wishes in a "Memorandum" which leaves your executors room to take decisions themselves. (Both my DD and my DP are executors).

Only you will know how your sons are likely to behave - why don't you talk to them about it and see how they respond.

God just don't marry him or move in with him. He must think all his christmases have come at once

You can still have a great relationship.

I think you’re right - a will by itself isn’t enough. My mum did this when she met someone after my dad died. To make sure her wishes were carried out she set up a life interest trust - I think it’s also called a reversionary bequest or something like that. It has to be done within a legally valid will so a solicitor would have to be involved.

The partner is given the right of a life tenant for their lifetime and conditions can be set about payment of bills - whether the trust would cover some or all of them, that kind of thing. Mum’s appointed trustees were myself as the executor of her will, and her solicitor, the idea being that after her death we would hold the title of the property in trust and once the partner died, moved into a care home or remarried the trust would end and the property would pass to me.

I don't know. The example I'm closest to is my friend, someone I'd say is a thoroughly decent person, and her late Mother's DH, who'd been married and a reasonably well liked member of the family for 17 years.

My friend is desperate to persuade him to sell up, so she can pass her inheritance onto her DC who "need" house deposits, and is stressing over every little thing when she thinks the house isn't being cared for properly.

He is determined not to leave, even though practically it might suit him to, because he won't be pushed out or seen to let her win.

I doubt the deceased mother/wife would have expected either of them to behave like that, but as we've seen in countless threads on here, the prospect of inheritance makes people behave very oddly.

For how long? 10 years? 20 years? 40 years?

Presumably your DH is still alive, do you treat everything you own as something to be passed to DC or do you make financial decisions based on what makes the best life for you?

Not in a million years…!

https://willwritten.com/legacy-advice/lynda-bellinghams-sons-betrayed-as-feared

It's just not worth it. People are not trustworthy when it comes to money. Obv he could do anything, try and over turn a will or anything else. It's cleaner for you and your children if you don't get legally entangled with this financially scuppered (without your cash) man.

Kindly, OP, I think your late husband - and most people - would see a difference between (1) you using the money to make the best life for you while you're alive, with the remainder (whatever that may be - house, cash etc.) going to your shared children, and (2) you using the money to make the best life for you while you're alive, with the remainder - or a significant portion of the remainder in the form of a house - going to some bloke he's never met.

Most spouses want to provide for their spouses, whom they love in their own right, and trust that the remaining parent will in turn pass on the remainder of their jointly built assets to their shared children. Personally I would see it as a huge breach of trust if my husband took a significant portion of the assets I worked hard to build up for the benefit of my family and gifted it to some woman he met after I had gone. That is not the intention of my will at all and this thread has given me serious pause as to how I have things set up in case I go first and he starts thinking like this!