Widow who wants to remarry...

[Ninetwenty]

I've been saying for years that I never would. It's too complicated with the conflict between the interests of DC and the marriage, but I'm starting to feel my age and frankly if anyone's going to be there for me as I get frail, it's more likely to be him than my adult sons! He's already supported me loads through caring for my parents, part of the reason I'm starting to feel this way is seeing how much more difficult things would have been for them if they lived alone.

My currently situation is that I have a large house and garden, too big for me, that I maintain to have space for DC to visit, which is a few times a year because of the distance. He lives in a rented flat, has some savings, but at a more "normal" level, I recognise I am very fortunate.

I have roughly the equivalent of the value of the house in savings and investments.

I have this idea that I could sell my big house and give the proceeds to DC as an early inheritance.

Then I would buy a much smaller, low maintenance place, possibly a flat in an upmarket block, using my savings and whatever DP is able to contribute.

I recognise that's a very good deal for him, and disadvantages my DC, but they don't do too badly out of it and I can't see a way for marriage to work unless you feel equal in it.

On my death DC would get everything, except the flat which would go to him, albeit that there might not be much left for DC to inherit, they'd have already had their share.

It doesn't necessarily need to involve a wedding, but I would like to move towards living with him, which again is something I said I never would.

Tell me about the pitfalls?

I’ve had loads of experience with parents passing away , and other aunties uncles ,inheritances etc I’m the oldest now so it’s something I will have to think about but I’m still with husband and hopefully it’s not something I will have to deal with soon.
I’d say get some really good independent advice , either a family solicitor or a totally independent financial advisor .
There’s ways you can give your children money, you need to keep yourself comfortable and financially secure though . Say it doesn’t work out with this man and you can’t live with him ? Lots to think about , you need proper advice .

Perhaps, but being bereaved and having to give up your home is about more than money.

I can't offer any practical advice on this topic but there's an unpleasantly judgey tone to many posts here. It's quite possible that OP's second marriage could end up being longer than her first. OP, I agree with PP that you need professional advice but I also think you need non-judgemental views that don't come from people who are happily married to healthy, living spouses and have never had to consider this situation. If you were 50 or under when your DH died then Widowed and Young may be able to help.

I think this is more complicated because your husband died, if you were divorced they would be wholly your assets, but I think emotionally the adult children will still see it as half their father's estate

Hmm, there's no complete right or wrong here but a few thoughts:

1. I do think your late husband's wishes are relevant here. You ask how much time has to pass before his wishes (I assume) that his children would ultimately inherit from him, through you, become irrelevant. And I would say - morally - never. I do think you should ideally work out just for reference the value of what you inherited from him in today's monet and set at least that aside for your children (whether realised through the house sale and given to them early or otherwise). Without meaning to be unkind, the fact you're asking this has given me pause on the way my own will is set up to benefit my spouse rather than my children directly, because I would be absolutely horrified if my husband decided to use 'my half' to ultimately benefit someone other than my children 10, 20, 30 years down the line.

1. After that, the only question becomes what you do with what's left over and how much you want your children to inherit from you eventually separate from your late husband. I think that is a question for you and what you feel is right. But it's far less messy and fraught if you've conceptually separated it from their inheritance from their father.

1. Get professional advice on the implications as someone suggested up thread and then come to a form and fair decision.

1. Once you have that, communicate openly with your sons about your plans and the reasons for it, particularly laying out your protection of their inheritance from their father. If you plan on leaving a chunk of your remaining money to your new partner rather than your children, be prepared that they may, at least initially, feel this as a comment on your love and care for them relative to this new man (especially since you're changing your mind on a long-held position). Hopefully they're well enough brought up that they won't make a huge fuss about your decision, but you may find that it hits them emotionally on some level and that they make decisions accordingly in the short- or long-term. These sorts of reactions are not always motivated by pure avarice but because money is seen as a proxy for love, frankly.

It's difficult. Good luck.

Don't get married.

Feelings can change.

As others have said, let DP pay towards bills and food and save money for a property for himself.

It may be worth bearing in mind too, the not insignificant proportion of men who abandon their wives as soon as they contract a serious illness

Then if he dies before o/p he never gets to spend it. O/p might end up with a house AND 360k.

it depends on their lifestyle. O/p has enough now to secure their future, they don’t need to save. Maybe she’d/they would rather combine disposable incomes and have some bloody great holidays- his 10 k a year would pay for them both to travel the world.

no point in having a shit load of money to die with. Dh and I are a similar age and now we’re at a point where we feel we can stop saving and start treating ourselves.

The OP is in her 50s.
What do you think is an acceotable cut off re being ok to remarry?

I have to say, when I read the OP is assumed she was well into her 60s, more likely 70. Not as young as that.

That’s actually a lot of poor decisions OP. We’ve only got his word for it that his business was doing ok before Covid or that he was funding his partner and not the other way round.

To end up in midlife with no property behind you despite no dependents is not great.

I can see why he’s running his life around you as you have assets.

By all means move in together and share a life, but there’s no particular reason to get married at least for the time being.

Equally it’s not at all sensible to be offloading assets now. Have you factored retirement, ill health and care fees?

Echo what about if you need the money before you die? What about care costs or holidays / repairs/ something special later in life? If you sell and give kids an early inheritance now then why do they then also get a second inheritance on your death? And what happens if your care costs more than what you have left? Get married if you want to then do a will leaving what you want to leave to your kids to them and the rest goes to your DH.

Not having dependents is the reason he doesn't have assets. He's never had a future to plan for.

He's not planning his life round me. He has no idea I'm thinking about any of this (or about my financial position beyond the house). I've always been very clear I didn't want to remarry or cohabit, which he's accepted without question. It's entirely possible he won't want to.

'We' do only have his word, but I know his family and his friends from way back, including some who were there in the city days, and some from school, and he's never been caught in any discrepancy.

Tbh, the one factor is that I just wouldn't remarry if I were you.

I think it's really nice that you are giving help to your children financially and downsizing. That makes sense if you are in a large property not needed.

I'm skeptical about relationships with older couples who aren't evenly matched financially - I've seen it happen to my parent.

Getting married at this stage of life is surely just a romantic gesture, almost a bit old fashioned. It's not really needed, I'd just have that bit of protection of anything changed.

Your children are not entitled to an inheritance. Its amazing to leave them something but your only in your 50s you have hopefully a lot of life left to live and shouldn't be making decisions solely on protecting your assets for your kids.
If you have found someone else marry them and be happy.

My widowed MIL remarried at 83 (new husband was 86). She had 3 middle aged children with their own families and he had 6 (with an array of grandchildren). She moved into his house and rented her house out to give her income beyond her pension. They split bills. They set up their Wills not to include each other at all. After 13 very happy years he died. She then got a widow's pension from him and returned to her old house - enabling his children to sell his house and inherit.

Then again, how much support does she get from DC. They may be relieved that mum has a partner to occupy her and look out for her. Parents who don't have their own life can suck the life out of their children.

I too had assumed that the OP was 60s. I am 65 and have been with my husband since we were 16. We’re able to retire comfortably but the background to that is long hours ( him ) and NMW jobs with night shifts to fit around child care for me - working weekends etc so I feel that I wouldn’t want to be in a position for a man to have a claim on that at this stage in my life. I want my children to benefit from our hard work. I may want to consider a relationship but he has his assets and I would have mine - too many feckless men looking for a nurse with a purse at my age! I can see that would be different if I were a young widow but then I would have different concerns about bringing a man into a home I share with my children. I’d go for best of both worlds, have fun but keep all you’ve worked hard for!

Of course it's not the same thing, it's better, because you don't have to have someone else underfoot all the time, and if the carer decides to leave, they won't be able to help themselves to a chunk of your assets on the way out of the door.

He can, but he doesn't get to will the flat to anyone as he doesn't own it. He has a lifetime interest in it so it passes to her children if he remarried, moves out or dies.

That sounds like a good setup.

Maybe start this way just to find out how the marriage goes. Wills can be changed at any time so later you can reassess.
Don't let worrying about your children's inheritance stop you from living your life. You are their mother, you gave them their life, raised them, and it's up to them to make their own way.
You are still reasonably young, you shouldn't let inheritance issues curtail the happiness of 2 people.
Your main priority should be protecting yourself and enjoying the rest of your life. Being widowed so young would have been devastating and you deserve to live your life the best way for you.

50 is still young. Some people get married for the first time in their 50s. My fil got remarried in middle aged and he's in his nineties now and as fit as a fiddle.

You sound like a lovely person who is getting married for all the right reasons. I hope your partner is just as good.

It stops being his estate the day it's discharged and becomes officially yours imo. You don't owe anyone else anything.

I would say all three.