Widow who wants to remarry...

[Ninetwenty]

I've been saying for years that I never would. It's too complicated with the conflict between the interests of DC and the marriage, but I'm starting to feel my age and frankly if anyone's going to be there for me as I get frail, it's more likely to be him than my adult sons! He's already supported me loads through caring for my parents, part of the reason I'm starting to feel this way is seeing how much more difficult things would have been for them if they lived alone.

My currently situation is that I have a large house and garden, too big for me, that I maintain to have space for DC to visit, which is a few times a year because of the distance. He lives in a rented flat, has some savings, but at a more "normal" level, I recognise I am very fortunate.

I have roughly the equivalent of the value of the house in savings and investments.

I have this idea that I could sell my big house and give the proceeds to DC as an early inheritance.

Then I would buy a much smaller, low maintenance place, possibly a flat in an upmarket block, using my savings and whatever DP is able to contribute.

I recognise that's a very good deal for him, and disadvantages my DC, but they don't do too badly out of it and I can't see a way for marriage to work unless you feel equal in it.

On my death DC would get everything, except the flat which would go to him, albeit that there might not be much left for DC to inherit, they'd have already had their share.

It doesn't necessarily need to involve a wedding, but I would like to move towards living with him, which again is something I said I never would.

Tell me about the pitfalls?

I wouldn't give one of my children who'd been very slow to launch a huge sum of money and expect them to make the right decision with it. What if they decided to stop work and go off backpacking with the money?

I also wouldn't leave my house to a new partner. He's managing to pay rent now. Is he working still? You could leave him a good sum of money, which would be a huge help to him.

You're still really young and he's even younger. If I were you, I'd give each child a deposit for a home but only when I knew they could afford the mortgage and were prepared to take on the responsibility of a home. I'd sell up and buy myself the sort of place that suited me, based on the money I had. I'd let the guy live there and would expect to split all bills except the management fee, and I'd let him live there rent-free.

I believe the government is planning to change the law regarding unmarried partners and property, though, so I'd speak to a lawyer about that first.

I wouldn't get married. I'm too cynical, tbh - you still have thirty-odd years ahead of you and I wouldn't do anything that would endanger my own financial security. Getting married would definitely do that.

If your boyfriend could save his rent money then that would more than make up for any inheritance, if you and he had a very long relationship.

ETA: If he's currently paying £1,000 per month rent and if he lives with you for 30 years, then he's saved himself £360,000, hasn't he?

Definitely seek legal and tax advice.

It sounds sensible to downsize if you are only maintaining the house for visitors - plus it is incredibly generous and beneficial for your children to receive inheritance early.

Life is short - so definitely remarry if you want to! Just get the correct legal advice as remarrying revokes any previous wills / if you don't account for a new spouse in a new will they can still issue a claim against your estate.

One option could always be for your partner to keep his flat and rent / Airbnb it out? He might feel more secure knowing he has his own asset that he can leave to whomever he chooses.

When you've explored all your options and made your plan handle the conversations with your children with care - it sounds like you will do this from your original post. I only say this because when my Dad was widowed within months he was talking about ensuring that a new girlfriend could live in my parents house when he died forevermore - and it was just very upsetting because whilst he was free to do with his half whatever he wanted I knew that was not what my mum had wanted from her half. So it felt like he was erasing her and her wishes.

My two pennies' worth is purely a note of caution about buying a flat. I bought a London flat in a small block in my twenties and it was managed by a managing agency who charged an annual service fee (this is standard practice). However, over the years, the fees increased exponentially, to the point that I literally could not afford to pay them. There was no recourse, and no limit to the whims of the managing agents. They go rogue as they please. The flat was also a terrible investment overall and I lost money on it when I finally was able to sell it - which took years. I would genuinely never choose to buy a flat ever again. My view is you'd be better of downsizing to a smaller house rather than a flat. As for the rest of your situation... I'd make sure I looked at every angle from a legal and financial perspective before making any key decisions, and I echo the suggestions of others to trial living together before buying. You're in a great position that needs to be protected for yourself for later life. Best of luck to you x

You could leave the house to your children but leave your partner life time interest should you die first.

This is part of why I'm reluctant to move him into the family home, and if it's to be sold to pass the proceeds directly to DC.

The other assets aren't really from our marriage. I was the higher earner and took steps to increase my income furtget after DH died. Plus I was the "sensible" one. Left to his own devices, DH would have spent the lot!

Yes, that's always given as the perfect solution here but no one can give me an example of when it has actually worked without leaving problems for everyone behind. I've seen it leave absolute misery for the DP and the DC twice.

Not really. If he lives with me he'll be paying his way!

Why leave the flat to him ? Buy as % owners . Right to live clause.

Because, as I've said several times now, my only experience of that irl is that it leads to terrible conflict and makes everyone left behind miserable. Everyone thinks it's the perfect answer but no one can give an example of when they've seen it work well.

Just do what makes you happy. Your children aren't "due" an inheritance, anything they get from you is a bonus, don't plan your life around what you think they "should" get. This place is ridiculously obsessed with inheritance, but you only get one life!

Definitely sounds sensible to sell then and move onwards to a new chapter with him in a fresh place.

Just make sure you get the right legal / tax advice as these things are fiddly.

I think if you are completely transparent with your children there won't be any issues - I know for example I just want my dad to be happy and hate the thought of him being lonely.

So yes don't let finances / legals get in the way of you remarrying - just get decent advice to ensure that your wishes and interests are protected.

But then you've only heard of one where it went wrong?

I think as long as you are upfront and honest about everything, no-one 'should' complain BUT how do your Son's get along with your Partner?

Before my Father-In-Law passed away he told everyone what to expect and not to expect. That worked perfectly. He had a Partner who moved in with him (he used to call her his 'good time girl' 😁). He pre-empted she wouldn't stick around if he became ill as she only wanted good times and holidays (in his words) so he kept the property in his sole name but did leave her a monetary sum in his will; and no, she didn't stick around once he became ill - even initially, so he was absolutely right. I think you just 'know' sometimes.

I think it's a 'healthy' thing to organise everything as I've known cases where siblings have fallen out with a new partner of one of their parents and then fallen out between themselves!

Do what you want to do though! It's your life and your money. No-one should expect an inheritance.

By being open about things, this may deter any future issues.

Yes, he'd be paying half of the bills, though, but would be saving rent.

I don't know, I am perhaps too cynical but I don't think I'd trust anyone to potentially give them half of everything I owned just because they had seemed nice for the last few years.

How long have you been seeing this guy?

Did he ever own his own place?

ETA: Sorry, I hadn't seen your updates before I wrote this.

You could live for another 40-50 years. So think about how you want your life to be for those years before you think about what you might pass on. I think your children would rather you were happy and comfortable for that time

I've seen it twice, both times were awful for everyone. I've never seen it go well and I've never seen an example, on all the threads where it's given as a solution.

If i live for 50 years, I'll be 109 😆

Lots of people make it to 100 these days! Maybe I should have said 30-40 😂

Surely he uses the opportunity of no rent to save and invest for his future

The only wills I've known not to become contentious is where everything is 'clear cut'. That's why I think everything should be communicated openly prior. No-one wants to leave a legacy that you know is going to be problematic.

If money is no option (though I have read about you wanting to start off as equals to each other), you could purchase a property in your joint names, leave that property to each other in your wills. Anything else, could be your Son's inheritance.

If you sold the house and apportion the funds from that to your Son's it might be better to see that has been managed as you wish and you also get to see your Son's/Grandchildren enjoy it.

OP has been so patient with the endless posts suggesting the widower then lives in the house and the children inherit when he dies as if that’s a novel idea the OP hasn’t thought of😂 . She has repeatedly asked for examples of how that worked. Like her, I have seen numerous examples on her and elsewhere where it caused huge issues for both the widow/er and the adult children.

IHTM43030 - Calculating the transferable nil rate band: survivor has been married to more than one spouse or been in more than one civil partnership - HMRC internal manual - GOV.UK

You can inherit an IHT allowance from more than one spouse but only up to the value of one nil rate band- that could be all from one spouse or part of one's and part of another's.

In your shoes- multiple NRBs in play plus PETs being made to your children- it would be well worth taking professional advice.

I think living together is fine but not marriage because of what you could lose in divorce.

I've known situations where a life trust to live in the house has worked well, usually where the surviving DP and offspring are all decent people!

My friend's dad died and her step-mum (I'm fairly certain they got together when my friend was already an adult) had the right to remain in the house. Friend supported & visited step-mum, and when she died the house reverted to friend & sister.

I'm in a similar-ish situation, although in my case my deceased DH was my 2nd husband and wasn't my children's father.

My now partner has recently moved into my home (purchased pre children with my 1st husband, kept by me in the divorce and my late DH lived here with us) with me, and one of my young adult children.

He pays his way in terms of household and shared costs, but he has no claim on the house.

We've been together 8 years and lived together for 18m. Atm my estate is left to my children, we will see how things go as our relationship continues.
If I was to die tomorrow I feel he should be able to move on and make his own way in life (although have discussed with my children that he should have a 6-12m grace period).
But, I can see that 15-20 years down the line when he'll be late 70s then this would be a different thing.

At the moment I definitely don't want to downside from my home, and have some separate funds set aside to help the children with a house deposit.

I absolutely wanted to live with my DP. We lived separately for a number of years before my children finished secondary education as I didn't want another man in the household full time while they were children. As DC2 didn't go to uni I made sure he was happy with DP moving in. I'm happier living with DP than I was living separately.