Widow who wants to remarry...

[Ninetwenty]

I've been saying for years that I never would. It's too complicated with the conflict between the interests of DC and the marriage, but I'm starting to feel my age and frankly if anyone's going to be there for me as I get frail, it's more likely to be him than my adult sons! He's already supported me loads through caring for my parents, part of the reason I'm starting to feel this way is seeing how much more difficult things would have been for them if they lived alone.

My currently situation is that I have a large house and garden, too big for me, that I maintain to have space for DC to visit, which is a few times a year because of the distance. He lives in a rented flat, has some savings, but at a more "normal" level, I recognise I am very fortunate.

I have roughly the equivalent of the value of the house in savings and investments.

I have this idea that I could sell my big house and give the proceeds to DC as an early inheritance.

Then I would buy a much smaller, low maintenance place, possibly a flat in an upmarket block, using my savings and whatever DP is able to contribute.

I recognise that's a very good deal for him, and disadvantages my DC, but they don't do too badly out of it and I can't see a way for marriage to work unless you feel equal in it.

On my death DC would get everything, except the flat which would go to him, albeit that there might not be much left for DC to inherit, they'd have already had their share.

It doesn't necessarily need to involve a wedding, but I would like to move towards living with him, which again is something I said I never would.

Tell me about the pitfalls?

He doesn’t have to be in the same financial situation as me - just contribute 50/50. We all know of situations where complete strangers - late marriage step children ending up inheriting everything. I care more about my children’s future than mine or certainly any man who may come along, however much I loved him. Maybe I’m too cynical through my work experiences.

I think first you have to decide that you want to live with him 24/7. I'm wondering if you could give him a right to live in any home you own after your death, and then it passes to your children. Your children can still inherit whatever funds you have investments, but I guess you could like him to benefit in some way.

I would be concerned about what happens if you divorce and he had disabilities or needs at that point which meant you lose a significant portion of your existing assets to house and support him.

If you want a carer, why not pay someone to come in daily?

Because that's exactly the same thing....

Personally I would definitely downsize. No point struggling to maintain a house that's too big for the sake of a few visits a year - on those occasions you could rent somewhere bigger or use hotels / Airbnb.

I wouldn't give all the spare cash to my children. Maybe a bit, but I would want to know that I had money to pay for care if I needed it.

You're not that old - if I wanted to get married I would, if I wanted to leave some money to my partner as well as my children I would. If I wanted to use the money to travel the world with DP I would. It's your money and your life. I want my own Mum and step-dad to have a great time, not always be denying themselves for the sake of passing their money on to me.

If I remarried though I would make a will such that my children couldn't inadvertently be disinherited by everything going to DP.

Why is he in rented accommodation, how much does he have saved? His financial situation sounds precarious to me - what happened to him that he couldn't buy a property.
I'm from a family of homeowners, so I don't know if this is clouding my judgement.
But I have to ask, is he feckless with money?
I wouldn't marry him in your situation.
At the very least, if I was you, I would want my children to receive 100 percent of their father's half of the funds accumulated during our marriage, and at least 50 percent of my half.

Interesting question. I’m very happy in a relationship with aman who lives a mile away - really hope the relationship lasts forever, but no intention to live together or marry.
I have set up (through wealth manager as per PP) a trust that pays me income and the principal will go to the DC when I die but allows me to make gifts to them from it in advance which may be a suitable vehicle for the OP’s situation.

My exh on the other hand has let himself be hoodwinked by a woman with four kids who has moved them into his house / I suspect she is pushing for marriage ( for lurve of course😂) and so my kids will not see any inheritance from him…

i wouldn't be in a rush to leave him anything until you've tried living together. wills can be updated but you could sell your home, but a flat, live together 5 minutes and diem. do you want him having the whole house in that case?

I'd love together for a year in your house, see if it works out. he can sell his and bank or or rent it out. then in 12 months you can find a smaller place that will do you both into your dotage. you can give the kids some money, and keep some in savings for you. you can update the will accordingly.

presumably if he's putting money in, he has a share of it anyway so if he dies first, who will he leave his share to?

I wouldn't remarry legally.

Buy the new property as tenants in common, each owning 50%. You give him a lifetime tenancy in your will, upon his or your death sons get your 50%.
Leave all the money (or most) from sake of the house in investments and leave to sons upon your death, that way it is a back up in case you need the money in the future.

A mixture. He's made some poor decisions and had some band luck.

He lived a good life as a city boy when he was young. Spent it all on a high life, as a single man, and lost the his job and the city flat he owned, in the 2008 banking crisis.

After a few years of this and that and then gaining his HGV licence and driving for a couple of years, he started his own business, which was going well but came to an abrupt halt during Covid/lockdown. That meant savings he had at the time were spent on surviving.

He lived (in rented) with a woman with DC for a long period, and supported them. She didn't work. He doesn't have DC, and thought she and her DC were his future.

Since then he's built things back up, but the experience knocked him badly. He has a good income now, and absolutely pays his way day to day, but not a lot behind him.

He's hardworking and always finds a way to get by but hasn't always done it the way I would.

When I met dh he was 40, no house, no savings, no assets. Living with his parents.

feckless with money? No. The opposite in fact. He’d bought a house in London in his 20’s, saved up to go travelling.

then he met is ex, who wanted to settle down, marry, babies, and be a sahm.

5 years later she has an affair, asks him to stay with his parents for the weekend and installs new man in.

divorce court rules that with 2 children under 5, and no way for her to buy him out the house, or sell up and afford anywhere else, she is awarded the house. He’s annoyed, but at that stage is retrospectively happy he’s out of the toxic relationship and doesn’t want to see his kids go without. It also turns out she’d been planning this for months and had quietly moved all the money out of joint accounts, taken on debt etc so no disposable assets either.

5 years later, no deposit, paying well over and above maintenance, can’t afford his own place in the area.

it’s not unusual for middle aged men to have to move into rented accommodation after a marriage breakdown. It’s also hard to get back on the property ladder while paying rent and supporting your family.

I’m confused why you need to marry ? Just sell up buy th flat in your name and let him move in

I presume that you stay over at each other's homes regularly? You'll have a good idea of whether you're compatible and can live together harmoniously. Do your children get on with him? A marriage or partnership is a joint enterprise. I can understand you feel you should do right be your children in terms of your late husband's contribution to your own wealth, however no child should expect an inheritance. Use your money to fund a lifestyle you are comfortable with and do the things you want to. You are young and potentially could be together with your partner far longer than your first marriage.

I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and we’ve lived together for 11 years. We aren’t married and don’t intend to do so. I’m 57 and he’s 61. I have 2 adult DS and he has 2 DD.

After a failed marriage and a long term relationship then broke down, there was no way I was being financially linked to a man again.

My DP gives me generous ‘rent’ towards bills, food etc.

Two years ago we downsized as we were living in a house that was too big, 2 bedrooms and a bathroom never used. We can’t have everyone for Christmas lunch so we do a buffet instead. Why live in a massive house just for 1 or 2 days a year.

My DP can live in this house for 2 years after my death (if I go first) he also benefits from a large life insurance policy and my pension - although it will drastically reduced. This is all set out in my will and my two sons know about my will and are in agreement- they love my DP and he has been great with them.

At our age I just don’t think there is any need for marriage.

Because she’s a nice person and that’s a shitty deal for him?

if she buys the flat he could live there with her for 30 years, pay the bills, support her, invest in their relationship, only for him to be left with nothing if she dies or they split.

how many times on here to we tell women to “protect themselves” and get married or “get their name on the deeds” of a property they share with a man?

it seems fair to me that he gets at least something. It’s easier if he has no kids as there isn’t an inheritance there to consider, but he needs at least a life interest so he isn’t left homeless in his 70’s or 80’s if his partner dies first.

Sell the house, buy somewhere smaller for the pair of you to live in. Don't marry but have a civil ceremony. In your will state you want your partner to have a lifetime tenancy if you die first. That way he will always have a home. Buy a second flat for your son to rent from you. Your son gets the flat he lives in after you die the other son get the flat after your partner dies.

Yes, thank you, that's where I'm coming from. I know it's a good deal for him, but the alternative seems like no way to run a relationship to me. If we're going to live together, it needs to be 'our' home, not a place I own that I let him stay in.

Also marriage “at our age” does have some benefits. It would increase the IHT allowance o/p can leave to her children for one, some benefits around pensions for another. But again that’s something to discuss with a professional.

@Ninetwenty
Im pretty horrified with the majority of replies on here. Such cynicism and callousness towards your partner. !
Im guessing one of the reasons you would like to get married is (shock horror) because you love him and want to build a life together. ?
My mum Met and married my step dad in their 50s. They died within 8 days of each other in their late 80s and nearly 40 years of marriage.
They had mirror wills. My mum came from rented. He owned . Then mum inherited unexpectedly. At no point did they wrap themselves in knots trying to make things fair. They saw a solicitor. Drew up Wills that were their business ensuring each other were covered if one died. What they chose to do with the house when both had died remained their business. They committed to each other. There was no ’mine and his’ they were a couple in all sense of the word. It was their money and property to do with as they pleased. We kids had no right or expectation to anything. They could have left it all to the lifeboats or the donkey sanctuary.. if that was their choice. As it happened it was split between all their children.
Marry for love OP , take some advice and have a long and happy marriage.

I presume you mean enter into a civil partnership rather than a civil wedding ceremony? Fine if that's what someone chooses to do, but in practical terms civil partners are treated the same as a married couple in the UK. Why would the partner accept such treatment?

I need to investigate IHT becuase atm I benefit from late DH's allowance when passing assets to DC. Not sure what happens there if I've remarried.

I guess my thread title was misleading, I'm not especially worried about a wedding, but thinking about how to set up a life together.

I think your idea is good and kind towards your partner OP. Where there are substantial assets, I don’t think it’s always the best thing to allow the partner to live in the house then it goes to DC when they die. There’s less incentive for the surviving spouse to maintain. Dc may actually prefer to give up some
of their future inheritance in favour of money now.

the only thing I’d think about is what if you subsequently divorced. He’d take half the marital assets, any surplus would already have gone to your DC and you may not be left with enough assets to buy yourself a home and have a reasonable retirement. Is it worth putting half the new home in his name, not getting married and retaining an amount equivalent to half the value or more of the new home in savings in your name so you could buy him out if it came to it? Then you’d have your live in partnership with stability for DP as he’d inherit the small home, DC would have a substantial amount of the large current house. You’d have a fund available to keep your home and reserves if things didn’t work out. I know you probably feel things are very stable but you never know and it’s worth considering all eventualities and crunching some numbers in case you split.

id also chat it through with your Dc to see how they feel.

Buy the flat together 50/50 and invest your excess money. IF you need it later, you still have it. Write a will ensuring that everyone gets what you think they are owed.

Just cover everything legally and live your life for yourself.