DO NOT BE A SAHM!!!

[Blindinglybaffled]

Oh God it’s long, sorry!
Urgh, I’m having a bad week😔. But please can I ask that anyone considering being, or in the early stages of being a SAHM - seriously think(!!) and DON’T do it! I know, I know there are loads (?) of women for whom it’s worked, 18 years ago I’d have told you it was THE best decision I ever made. Dh & I agreed that when we had kids one of us would stay home and whoever had the best career prospects at that time would continue…for a while it looked like that’d be me …but it didn’t last. I loved being a sahm and when we moved to ‘paradise’ (/middle of nowhere) we again discussed and I pointed out I would never be able to regain my career in that location. DH said no worries, he was thrilled with the arrangement. He was so capable financially - tighter than me which was a real feat! - just really careful.… 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms). Our eldest teenager came down earlier and gave me both barrels because “if I just earned some money it’d never have got this bad” - WTAF. Dh has obv fed the kids the narrative that it’s all my fault. I do believe having a parent at home is the best way to parent if you can. But(!) it’s just not possible these days and we need to leave the model behind. To the sahm who thinks it’ll never be her, I never thought it’d be me. Please protect yourself- one or two days a week is enough if you can. Just never stop! The next 25+ years of my life are going to be pretty feckin rubbish. It’s my own fault, please don’t be me.

@TruffleSlinky agree, I don’t understand. Having a regular income is helpful!

Yes exactly this.

OP, full sympathy to you.

Tell your daughter the truth and put her in her place.
How dare she speak to you like that.

As for your liar thieving husband who has mismanaged and robbed YOU, I hope you are done with this loser.

You need to get back to work asap, anything, just to get back out there.

What a waster and a liar you married and you need to give him it with both barrels.

Completely unforgivable IMO.

But your husband hasn’t mismanaged your families money because you stay home, he’s mismanaged it because you don’t know where your families money is and how it’s being spent.

@NCembarassed that’s sad, hopefully your eldest will gain some perspective as they grow up.

I second this. There may be a further issue, which isn't going to apply in all cases, but would in mine (I wasn't a SAHM but am currently unemployed and probably going to have to retrain if having a chance). This is that DH's career has revolved around investment, it's the day job. I don't know if there would be an equal footing to reach, as it is very clear that the training, the spreadsheet crunching, the exchange rate tracking, and the experience are heavily weighted in his favour. I trust him, but there are very few people who don't make mistakes and especially where you get to the point where you think something is easy or you've made it work on a macro scale, but not with your personal resources.
Still - from a power balance point of view, it is worth the effort not to get completely put on the sidelines.

The problem isnt being a SAHM here.

Its a series of poor decisions that you've gone along with and your husband ignoring you.

TBH you could have stayed in work, full time or part time, and still been in a right mess given that this is about poor decision making and redundancy.

You can not account for the pressure of being in work - this is an unknown theoretical. You could have stayed working and it broke your marriage and you'd be financially in very different circumstances from that.

The grass isn't greener and you don't know what life would have thrown at you on a different path.

My point is stop looking back here and start looking forward in terms of what you CAN do.

I'm not. Have all the trust in the world with my husband but I earn my own money and don't share finances.

In your shoes I'd be sitting the whole household down and getting to the root of teens comment. It's unacceptable behaviour.

You just married somebody who made poor choices. There is absolutely nothing wrong in being a SAHM if your partner takes measures to protect you financially.
I could say don’t be a WOHM. You’ll miss out on what your kids do and be permanently knackered - but that would be equally stupid because can find a way of making it work for them and their family.
im sorry you are having a tough time but plenty of women have zero regrets being a SAHM and it was the best thing for their family. I myself am a WOHM.

Do you really regret all those years? Would you have actually been happy with the alternative?

I can’t say I love working but I knew early on I didn’t want to be vulnerable like my poor mum was so independence has always been a big priority for me. I am blessed that I have a flexible job where I wfh most of the time and it’s been that way for nearly 20 years. Not high flyer in terms of salary but enough to have a decent pension and live a good life. I’ve seen my kids loads due to being home and if we ever split I have means to support myself. Life changes, people change, and you have to try and future proof as much as you can.

Being a SAHM is a brilliant thing to have done.
Unfortunately your DH is now weaponising it. Put your child right - your DH screwed up big time. He needs to take responsibility for that!

So your husband is trying to blame you not working for his fuck-up basically. Push back on that lie hard - to him and your kids (and anyone else he's been running his mouth off too).

Its never too late to re-start your life, and I'd seriously be considering staying in this marriage if I was in your shoes. Good luck to you OP.

You don't know for certain that he's "fed" them anything. They're teens, not toddlers - they've noticed, without help from anyone else, that you haven't worked for a long time. You may not share their opinions (on this or other stuff), but they're of an age to formulate them all by themselves.

Some on here won't like your message because it pokes at their situation.
But you are 100 % correct.
It's a dangerous place to be.
Keep your own earning power so you can stand on your own two feet if and when the rug gets pulled from under you.
Mine did 5 years ago. "I don't love you any more" Never ever was I so glad that I could go out and earn well by myself post divorce. My house, my money, my say now.

Yes you have picked the wrong husband. Of course.

but that also isn’t a simple answer. So we just leave him now? We all know it’s not that easy.

That’s good when it happens and I take the general point, but sometimes it’s a combination of factors.

You can be made redundant but because you have only been there a little over two years, the payoff is minimal. Then it takes another six months or so to find a new job, which is then a fixed-term contract for less than two years, so your CV and pension becomes increasingly patchy. Or you get made redundant just as there’s a sector downturn, or pandemic, or ageism begins to kick in.

In terms of illness, sick pay or employer provisions don’t necessarily help if it is another member of the family who becomes ill, or you don’t happen to be in work when the situation occurs.

It’s not necessarily about the financial aspect of any given event but about the impact of the event on your ability to stay in work and your longer term career.

You can keep going for years and years but any time you are out for a period of time, for whatever reason, that last job starts to look increasingly dated on your CV and the interviews dry up…

I used to think it was all so straightforward and be puzzled as to why other mothers hadn’t kept going in the workplace like I had, but I have come to the conclusion that life happens and it is not always that simple.

18 years ago it was not a standard thing to be a SAHP.
18 years ago is 2008
Being a SAHP was more a standard thing in the 50s, 60s and 70s and that was primarily not enough work and the government essentially pushed women out the workplace to make space for men, especially when they have millions return from war. That said lots and lots of working class women always worked, moving from heavy industry into softer part-time roles home helps and carers etc..

Being a sahm does make you very vulnerable but you could and should have been involved in financial decision making.

I definitely took a dip when dc were little - worked part time but kept my hand in so I had no gaps on my cv. I had reached management before having dc then had to restart that journey after being out for 4 years. That’s all it took to be seen differently and have to rebuild. I now earn the same as dh (same field) but it took time. I’m glad I reduced hours when dc were tiny but also glad my dc have a working mum as a role model as teenagers. I think there’s a balance but overall, protect yourself.

It would be a deal breaker for me and would never marry a man who didn’t want to share financial decisions.

I agree with this. I would also argue the issue here is the poor investment not really the SAHM part.

“ 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least”

You being a SAHP wasn’t the problem, being married to an idiot was.

Safety measures should be in place if someone decides to be a SAHP.

You make decisions that are right for you and your family at the time. And you can't really criticise them in retrospect when really the problem is something else entirely.

I was a sahm for 8 years and I don't regret a second of it. My DH hasn't mismanaged out finances however so our situations are not comparable.

I retrained in my 40s and am now 5yrs into a new career. I've got the best part of two decades to enjoy this I hope and DH is on track to retire in the next 10 years.

No it doesn't but the OP specifically says her DH invested in a company she did not want to invest in- this means she had no part in deciding on and making the investment.

@BadSkiingMum but all that said I still think being in work is more beneficial than not. I have been made redundant twice with only statutory payments and I have also had a health issue. It really made me appreciate having such good sick leave & DH could also take time off to care for me. DH also get private healthcare. When my parent became ill, flexi hours & hybrid working helped me to help them.

Now of course not every job offers such good protection but if you have a job/company that does it is worth a lot.