School called about my eight-year-old's violent behaviour, what should I do?

[Exhaustedand]

I've just had a phone call from the school to ask me to pick my child up. He's been misbehaving all day - going around and pretending to shoot people, dragging his fingers over his throat in a "slit your throat" gesture and to top it all off, he stabbed another child with a pencil because she was annoying him.

He's eight and has spent the afternoon in isolation because his behavior has been so bad. He's also been excluded from after school club because they don't have the staff there to cope with his behavior.

I genuinely have no idea why or where he's got the gestures from- we don't watch violent stuff and it's something I've never seen any of my immediate family do.

I'm a single mum with another older boy and I'm just at a total loss of what to do next. School are putting a plan into place to give him more support and I'm planning to make an appointment with my GP to discuss things but I don't know how to manage his behavior and to help him. I'm reading the books recommend on my other thread and have been using the things I've learned but I can't see any change on his behavior.

I'd be extremely for any help or advice please!

The problem, then, is one of health and safety. After school clubs aren't mandatory and the school won't have the staffing to provide the extra help that your son seems to need.

If your son needs to be removed from the area to give him time to settle down, there won't be additional staff available to supervise him.

So far as toileting is concerned, I've never heard of teaching staff being expected to deal with this - it's normally part of the remit of a PSA and there likely won't be one available after school.

During the school day, a classroom teacher can send a child who's had a toileting accident to another member of staff - normally with the expectation that they pupil can change themselves at that age, but there should be a PSA available for those with physical or learning challenges.

Unless some kind of separate funding has been made available, it's going to be impossible at an after-school club unless there's an agreement with the home that a parent will be to hand at all times.

I'll add that sometimes there is funding available to pay for after-school clubs, but if staff are running such a club on a voluntary basis, then there's going to be very little possibility of there being an available PSA.

How does your son behave when he gets to his dad's for the weekend, does he like going?

This is very relevant. Sometimes a child who is messing himself is doing that in order to keep himself away from someone who is hurting him.

Have you had any interaction with Social Services? They might be able to help. I would be surprised if all of this hasn’t triggered a safeguarding referral.

Not sure why you minimise his behaviour, if its enough to warrant removal from a club it must be extremely disruptive for the other children there.

Be aware with regards to the violence and neck slashing action etc schools have a duty of care under safeguarding.

Gosh this was quite the drip feed! Just read about your other post!

You cant altogether blame the other child i dont think.It is pretty grim to be sat next to soneone who has soiled themselves all day.

Ok...so maybe she's played home alone. 🫪...

She won’t answer anything about the dad so I think there is clearly an issue there which she does not want to admit to. Since she’s sending both kids to spend every weekend with him, likely knowing he is not treating them well. I can’t imagine an angry controlling man is very tolerant of his son having incontinence issues and hiding soiled undergarments etc., I feel really sad for the kids and hope OP gets them the help they clearly need, as well as making sure they are being well cared for at dads house (and if not then she should be putting steps in place such as contacting social services).

Btw I have first hand experience that this is not at all easy or pleasant. I had to contact children’s services about my ex as I had concerns about his parenting. It is stressful and also I was still made to send my kids to him at the end of it as they “assessed” and deemed he didn’t pose a risk (he is lazy and neglectful rather than outright abusive). However, he still has to have visits from the allocated support officer for now so that is something and I do think it scared him into thinking more about how he was (or rather was not) caring for the kids

What did he say when you / school asked him. He has the answers to where this came from.

Because you're not answering questions about his dad, is it right to assume the root of all this lies there? He's learning this behaviour from somewhere. Why did you split up?

Because he wanted to move 300 miles away for work and I didn't. I wanted to stay close to my family because my mum had been recently diagnosed with a major health condition.

His mother hates me because she thinks I "baby trapped" him by getting pregnant and refusing an abortion. (I didn't - I was on the pill when I got pregnant with my oldest kiddo).

There's no hidden conspiracy or abuse. The messing is due to constipation which is being treated by medication under the supervision of a consultant at the hospital.

So who does the travelling in order for your son to see his dad every weekend?

You said your ex was controlling and that there are a lot of arguments between you. So there is abuse. And you don’t seem to have any idea what the kids experience is of going to their dads every weekend. I do hope they are not being made to travel 300 miles every weekend. That would be incredibly tiring and stressful for kids

The job didn't last- he moved back and works on the next town now.

Agree with the controlling comment, that's abuse. Again, I think you need to look at his dad being the reason your son is the way he is.

I am so utterly confused this week. The class has had a cover teacher and he's been amazing all week and came home with a prize for winning the headteacher's award for good behavior.

Or learning toxic behaviour from his dad....

@Exhaustedand I say this as a mum of ND children. It sounds like he has ND. Both ASD and ADHD because of his talking / silly behaviour in class / fidgeting and impulsivity. Children with ASD often have issues with toileting, hiding pants etc. There is obviously a lot of emotional stuff going on too.

steps you could take:
Speak to the Senco at school. Ask for an EHC needs assessment. He doesn’t need diagnosis for this.
Ask school for a plan: what are they doing to support him? Do they have nurture groups? Do they have a counsellor? Do they have a black tent for children to decompress?

Ask the GP for a referral via ‘right to choose’ for ASD and ADHD

Ask the GP for referral to Cahms. Even children as young as 8 might need counselling and they could arrange meds for ADHD if he has this.

An EHCP would give him targeted support. It’s hard doing it all but important for your child now and in the future.

edited to add: better to start sorting this now as each school year adds more pressure and potentially more dysregulation.