School called about my eight-year-old's violent behaviour, what should I do?

[Exhaustedand]

I've just had a phone call from the school to ask me to pick my child up. He's been misbehaving all day - going around and pretending to shoot people, dragging his fingers over his throat in a "slit your throat" gesture and to top it all off, he stabbed another child with a pencil because she was annoying him.

He's eight and has spent the afternoon in isolation because his behavior has been so bad. He's also been excluded from after school club because they don't have the staff there to cope with his behavior.

I genuinely have no idea why or where he's got the gestures from- we don't watch violent stuff and it's something I've never seen any of my immediate family do.

I'm a single mum with another older boy and I'm just at a total loss of what to do next. School are putting a plan into place to give him more support and I'm planning to make an appointment with my GP to discuss things but I don't know how to manage his behavior and to help him. I'm reading the books recommend on my other thread and have been using the things I've learned but I can't see any change on his behavior.

I'd be extremely for any help or advice please!

No diagnosed SEN. We're getting that started now.

Why? He is misbehaving, why on earth are you trying to get him diagnosed with something?
From what you have written, it is highly likely to be something to do with your ex. Not SEN.
Start there.

On the throat slitting gesture, does he watch football? There have been some recorded incidents in professional games.

It's entirely possible the teacher isn't a good teacher. My ds has always had stellar school reports, I have teachers approach me in the past just to tell me how polite he is. He's never been in trouble until this school year. His current teacher has told him off three times recently and kept him in at break. Obviously its possible his behavior is going down hill but he claims the teacher doesn't like him and I'm not going to immediately side with the teacher just because they're the adult. What if it's true and his own parents don't support him?

What ???

If this is genuinely an extreme change 'something' is happened.

Ask the school if they can recommend a counsellor to get to the bottom of it.

Try to stay calm and connected to your son as you investigate this - you want him to feel safe with you because I suspect that he doesn't feel safe at school. Let him know you love him no matter what. And then try to work out what is going on for him (I'd be much more worried about the pencil stabbing than about the shooting and cut throat gestures). Something is up - it's your job to find out what it is and also to help him to see how his behaviour impacts others and what the natural consequences of his actions are and help him face those. Be firm of course but also loving.

Sometimes when my children's behaviour was criticised, I found it easy to go into a shame spiral and lose that connection with them. I know I rarely made good parenting decisions when I felt the shame of being judged by teachers and other parents.

I was always one for supporting the teacher and explaining that life isn't fair to my children but I remember one teacher scapegoating a child (the friend of my daughter) in a very mean and relentless way so don't rule that out just because a few MN posters seem determined to let her off the hook. The examples you gave of her don't paint a good picture of her and sound like a concern. Even if you can't do anything about it, you can at least help your son navigate the year and what you say to him about who he is will have a much greater impact on him that one rogue teacher in the longer run.

There's a developmental stage called adrenarche that happens to boys about 8. It's like a pre puberty thing. The boys tend not be able to regulate their emotions very well either super weepy over everything or a bit fighty. Working with boys that age is hard work. Look it up- this might be part of the acting up. You just need to get through it and put good boundaries in place.

I think it’s entirely sensible to investigate SEN here. Sudden deterioration in behaviour is a red flag, as is his complaint about a noisy classroom. ND conditions can cause problems with sensory processing and he could be overwhelmed by noise levels that others wouldn’t necessarily even notice - including the teacher.

If this is the case it could be what’s causing the bad behaviour - when his nervous system is overwhelmed he loses the ability to self regulate and what looks like misbehaviour is actually a trauma response - sensory distress or attempting to escape the noise. Filtering out background noise is incredibly difficult. A noisy room makes it impossible to focus, and the resulting frustration can bubble over into disruptive behaviour. It could explain why his behaviour is fine at home - he’s out of the environment causing the distress. It could also be the case that up to this point he’s been masking and he’s hit the wall because he no longer has the mental capacity to hide his distress.

It doesn’t sound as though the teacher is picking up on the signs and is treating it as bad behaviour, but clearly the school are supporting.

He is definitely being exposed to it either at home (check tv/devices) or someone else at school.

Minecraft, can be played safely with close friends on a realm. Anyone enabling their kids to use discord freely is asking for trouble and Roblox has parental control, including content and chat if parents actually set it up. It was a lot worse but has been made to conform.

Schools offer a e safety presentation to parents a lot the time now, but parents need to make use of the tools.

Remove the tablet and the games; also you should do the same for your older son if he is exhibiting anything similar. He doesn’t need a tablet at 8 or digital games. It will be messing with his brain dopamine systems and this has long term consequences.
You need to speak to their dad about no screens no violence etc.
Have you got a behaviour reward / punishment system in place?

id highly recommend reading the anxious generation if you’re interested in screens and brain development in kids x

If he finds the classroom too noisy he could have very sensitive hearing and the pitch of other children’s voices could be causing him pain, causing him to be overstimulated and reacting in the way he does. When younger my dc found both the hoover and hand driers noises to be painful. Perhaps some sort of headphones to dampen the sound may help whilst he is waiting for a GP appointment

Honestly, I'd give him a smack. But we're not allowed to do that anymore, are we? When I was 8, my parents would have scared the absolute shit out of me, and that would have nipped it in the bud. But no one seems scared of their parents these days. Mistake imo.

It is a two form entry? If so, could you suggest he moves to the other class, even on a trial basis.

I would suggest it in a way that is not directly critising the teacher, as it may make the schoool defensive.

I am not saying it will solve all problems, but some of rhe teacher's behavours does seem a bit extreme.

Edited to include before I am eaten alive, I am not saying you shouldnt discipline / suport / seek hep for your child alongside this.

At age 8 I really really really hope he hasn’t a phone!

Just bumping @Sweetbeansandmochi 's excellent post in case you are still here struggling to wade through all the needs a smack/ consequences nonsense.

That’s abuse, not a slight slap, which was suggested. 🤷‍♀️

You say you have an older child, maybe this is where he is learning such behaviour. Does your eldest have access to the internet and do the 2 spend time alone together?

Can you ask to change class and move to a different teacher?

She was obviously a nightmare with your older son, so I wouldn’t be at all surprised that she isn’t the cause of this new behaviour.

Violent gestures appear on the news often. Talk of shootings. Stabbings. And throat slitting is less often but another eight year old may well have come across it in his class. Children talk. Another child may have access to things your child does not.
That he wants to go around all day doing the gestures is the worry. It gets him attention of course. Even if it is the wrong sort of attention.
Have you asked him ( I assume you have) why ? What is he trying to achieve ?
Does he realise the others in his class don’t do it as well ?

Failing that, he is watching things you do not know about.

If no improvement you need to seek professional help I am afraid. To talk to someone who has experience of this sort of behaviour. Your ex will be involved as they will want to talk to him too I imagine. You mention your very harsh upbringing. I don’t know if grandparents see him ?
If they do then they might need to be involved as well.

This is ridiculous. One day of occasional mild violence does not mean a child is a violent child.

The point in relation to the older child is that he appears to have had a problem only with this teacher and not any others, which would tend to suggest the issue could indeed have lain with her.

There is nothing indicating that OP sides with her child over the school unjustifiably, and at the point when you posted this you had no evidence for saying she wasn't enforcing appropriate sanctions - and in fact we now know she was. She certainly wasn't excusing everything.

So the real question is: why have you twisted all the facts so as to attack OP?

In my opinion, your child has been exposed to content he shouldn't have. This could be online or films etc. Children often act out what they've seen. We had a case at a school I worked at many years ago, where a 5 year old, was grinding herself against the boys. There was absolutely no mistaking the gesture behind the behaviour for anything innocent. It turned out, not only had the child been exposed to porn but she'd seen her Mum having sex numerous times too.

Does your older child have a phone? Access to a tablet/computer? Are your internet settings locked down? Is it possible your younger son has learnt these gestures from your older child?

It's possible your child has learnt these gestures from another child at school or at another child's house. That possibility can't be completely ruled out.

If you're absolutely sure that your son hasn't been able to access older content at home, then it only leaves his Dad's. Unfortunately, you have no control over what goes on whilst he's at his Dad's.

Have you asked your son, in a calm manner, where he's learnt these gestures? He didn't make them up, so he's seen it or another child has taught him.

Your son is making slit your throat gestures to other children and this is somehow the teacher’s fault.
Start being a parent.

Smacking doesn't work. It just shows children that adults can get away with hitting those who are smaller than them.

My parents smacked me occasionally when I was a child. It just showed me that they were taking their temper out on me, and I respected them all the less as a result. My children were not smacked, they are now delightful, responsible adults and the relationship I have with them is a hundred times better than my relationship with my parents.

OP: ‘He's also been excluded from after school club because they don't have the staff there to cope with his behavior.’

This is not one day of occasional mild violence.

I’m not attacking OP; I am repeating her words back to her.

You don't think the controlling father might be upsetting him?