School called about my eight-year-old's violent behaviour, what should I do?

[Exhaustedand]

I've just had a phone call from the school to ask me to pick my child up. He's been misbehaving all day - going around and pretending to shoot people, dragging his fingers over his throat in a "slit your throat" gesture and to top it all off, he stabbed another child with a pencil because she was annoying him.

He's eight and has spent the afternoon in isolation because his behavior has been so bad. He's also been excluded from after school club because they don't have the staff there to cope with his behavior.

I genuinely have no idea why or where he's got the gestures from- we don't watch violent stuff and it's something I've never seen any of my immediate family do.

I'm a single mum with another older boy and I'm just at a total loss of what to do next. School are putting a plan into place to give him more support and I'm planning to make an appointment with my GP to discuss things but I don't know how to manage his behavior and to help him. I'm reading the books recommend on my other thread and have been using the things I've learned but I can't see any change on his behavior.

I'd be extremely for any help or advice please!

Picking on him = dealing with his bad behaviour.

You are delusional.

I don't think this is what they are saying- but teachers can also be mean spirited and spiteful, and if they have a bad relationship with an older sibling some project onto the other sibling.

I agree. I have to walk on a narrow lane that football parents drive along to take their children to football. If they have to wait thirty seconds for me to be able to get in a wider bit, the vile language used by some parents, with primary-aged children in the car, is utterly appalling.

The sentence that jumped out to me is that you have an older boy. That is most likely where he's learning the dodgy stuff.

Singlemparenting is hard so my heart goes out to.you. Good.luck.

And now you start threads (just last week) about how your teen says she “hate to spend time” with you and another one about the very serious mental health condition your teen is suffering one.

Has it occurred to you @Minasama that….

Fear of doing anything wrong is not entirely bad, if you have no fear of being punished you can do anything you like. I don't believe in hitting and my mother never hit us but we were definitely afraid of the (unspoken) consequences if we were naughty, she just had to look at you. She was in charge and if you were good it was all sunshine.

What is his explanation for this behaviour when you ask him wby. He is old enough at 8 to have a chat about this. Does he have any friends and invites for playdates etc?

You don't have to be watching extreme content to see shootings and violence you just need to have watched the news.

We all used to play cowboys and indians (very un pc now) lots of shooting (pretend guns or cap guns) and bow and arrows, no one got really hurt it was just letting off steam.

As this is a recent change in behaviour rather than a pattern throughout his childhood, is there any chance he is being abused?

A sudden change like this is one of the things we are told to look for in safeguarding training.

Hopefully it isn’t but I needed to mention it.

Oh come off it. Has she taught him how to do a slit your throat sign ?

Ask for a referral to early help.

I was a teacher for more than 30 years in secondary schools, I would say it is possible your son has a teacher who isn't very nice. Every profession has a few.
However I can say that now while your son is still so young you have a great chance to correct his behaviour before it settles into his personality. Don't accept his excuses, Im sure his classroom is noisy and other children are annoying, these are normal. His behaviour is outside normal reactions. As a teenager or an adult he will be expected to deal calmly and peacefully with those same issues. So no accepting excuses for violent antisocial behaviour now.
The most successful parents I worked with followed simple routines at home with rewards and sanctions. They also always followed through on punishments and supported the school.
I would say as well that they taught their children that life was not fair and not to complain about it, but to look for nice things to enjoy to offset the parts, like maths or walking to school in the rain that were not so nice. And their kids all did sports or cadets or church so the option to game on or off line at home wasnt available as much.
It must be very hard as a single parent.

Why an hour of gaming each day?
That is excessive.
Examine what your ten year old is doing on line. Have a thorough hunt.
Also seriously question his father.
At eight any violent games or screen content are harmful.
He would not be making this up.
He has seen something with an.older friend, Dad, bro, or uncle ..

Can he move class? And if not, can he move school? The class teacher sounds awful and a teacher like that is very scary for a child to open up to if they’re being picked on so they end up getting isolated further.

Actually my daughter had a teacher who just wasn't a nice teacher. It does happen. We had two years of not wanting to go to school and aggressive behaviour because of it. Made me wonder why she was in teaching.

Yes this ☝️ too many parents don’t do their jobs!

Kids have to be taught manners/behaviour and to fit in, that they are not the rulers of the universe but merely a cog in it.

Many kids know how to do that from “innocent” cartoons and movies like Home Alone - they don’t have to have watched shows or played games we deem as violent…

Where did OP say he hadn’t met expectations ? She said he had been pulled up for finishing work too quickly and wearing shorts - when there is no rule against wearing shorts and other kids in the class were wearing them. She also said the teacher is picky and the same teacher made school a misery for her other son. Sounds like a problem to me.

If the behaviour is only happening at school and has recently occurred then it seems like it could be prompted by something happening at school? A child picking on him? Something bothering him? A clash with the teacher?

Because it is so extreme, I think I’d be looking for play therapy for him. Just to try and get to the bottom of it.

Probably learnt from the older brother. Most learn things off their siblings.
That said personally I would come down hard especially with the stabbing another child with a pencil.

You clearly didn’t read OP’s follow up post about being beaten black and blue by her parents for the smallest transgression did you ?

You sound like a rational person, who parents well. Well-done for limiting screentime.

I also feel it's possible that his teacher may be part of the problem: If you and her do not have a good relationship, she may well be trying to get at you via your second son. Some people can be petty like that and she has the upper hand right now. You're going to have to suck it up and defer to her. Maybe ask her for advice about what to do and make a point of clearly following it and thanking her, as things start to improve.

You'll also have to keep things cordial with his father, so he is helpful with managing these new behaviours.

In the meantime, you've had some great advice here on teaching him to regulate his own emotions when he's getting overwhelmed.

You sound to me as if you are trying hard, taking it seriously and doing all the right things. I hope it works out for you. It's might be a one off, see how it pans out.

Absolutely agree. Odd how some posters are quick to defend the teacher, despite the problems OP describes, but are perfectly happy to put the blame on his dad.

Poor sausage sounds overwhelmed doesn’t he.
Sounds like you’re doing great OP, ignore the batshit posts on here making out they know your kid better than you do or telling you to smack him, wtf!!
Lean on the school for support, that’s not copping out of parenting, from what you’ve posted you’re an invested and thoughtful parent, they need to support your son.
The behaviour starting in this teachers class sounds too much of a coincidence maybe? Could it be he was struggling to cope but masking previously and her character makes him feel unsafe so he’s been pushed over his coping limit?

You mention your father beating you when you were a child, do your children see their grandfather unsupervised? On the throat slitting gesture, no one has ever used this to me, but a surgeon at a leading London hospital once used it with an elderly relative, inferring he would die on the operating table, so you may be surprised / shocked at who would use this gesture. The elderly relative was subsequently operated on by a leading surgeon and survived, but my relative was left very upset by the other doctor.