Feeling solely responsible for keeping family life enjoyable

[MistyCats]

I’m finding it increasing hard to keep life fun. A few years ago I felt like we did loads all the time as a family and sprinkled in little added extras to keep things fun. I’m not talking extravagance but just little things that break up, quite frankly, the monotony. A day out in a new place, a walk somewhere new, a picnic, slightly more special dinners on a weekend, a bike ride, a drive somewhere. A nice dessert ffs.

DC are early teens so not easy to find things they’ll willingly do. DH never contributes to ideas and actually it always has been on me. I guess perimenopause isn’t helping but I feel drained at trying to make life less boring. Since last year I stopped driving all the ideas and we’ve literally done nothing other than routine stuff.

I seem to be the only bothered by it but if I don’t suggest anything then no one does anything and we all sit on separate screens which is just depressing.

So I’m quite resentful to be the only one doing something about it, but refuse to let us sink deeper into this boring rut.

I have an idea for today. If I don’t suggest it then literally nothing will happen. If I do suggest it the whole orchestrating is on me, met with teen eye rolling and neutrality / passivity from DH.

I could just go alone. I could lean on friends more but I fear that will just widen the gap and actually end up being quite a lonely state.

It feels like such a half life.

Anyone been in a similar situation and managed to resolve it?

Been there. Know exactly what you mean.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky. Or it’s a short listen on audible. Then get him to read it if he will.

I am mid divorce, but it wasn’t just that. There was emotional abuse too. But my STBXH read the book, got it and despite the other stuff, in fairness to him, did try, a bit, for a short while.

If you can get DH to read it he might realise all that you do that he doesn’t have to and might step up.

But mostly I just wanted to say that I absolutely get it. It’s exhausting. I remember one time when I specifically asked ex to create a happy atmosphere because I was exhausted and just didn’t have it in me, and he did. He turned his grumpiness into cheer to create a positive atmosphere for DC and the relief I felt was palpable and I don’t think I’ve ever loved him more than I did in that short moment. Sadly within an hour he was arguing with DS again and I had to de-escalate and shift the atmosphere again. They were then happy and I had a tension headache.

I think the academic term is ‘emotional labour’ and it often falls to women. And it’s exhausting and draining and perimenopause makes it soooo much harder.

Sounds more like the natural course of things as your kids get older and you not wanting to change/let go. They are teens, they want to do their own thing even if it’s sit in their room all day. Your idea of fun isn’t theirs anymore. Sounds like your DH accepts that and you do t. This is your chance to leave the kids at home and go out and do your own thing, with or without your DH.

Can you make a meal they like (eg build your own pizza with different help yourself toppings) and tell them you want a family discussion about spending time together. Yes teens can isolate themselves on screens, be moody etc but underneath they do appreciate the security of a family who hold them and love them, sometimes it’s hidden away for a bit though.

Maybe try using a big jar, give out small cards and pens and ask everyone in the family to write down five ideas for a family activity to do in the next few weeks. Anything they want, no discussion with others or the most dominant people might inhibit some great ideas from quieter ones by criticism.

Hopefully they will come up with really positive and different ideas (see their favourite band, have a country theme night where everyone cooks a course, get a mystery train ride to somewhere new, go to a festival, go surfing for day, borrow a tent and go somewhere for weekend, have a film night and themed drinks snacks, book a holiday and all learn the language if abroad or start a regular games night take it in turns to be in charge. My teens loved it when they were leading what we did.

It’s so-draining OP and I agree it’s really important to keep some close times when they are teens otherwise you can become distant. Relationships take work, care and time, but at the moment you are the only one doing any caretaking so good luck getting DH fully on board more.

This is your chance to leave the kids at home and go out and do your own thing, with or without your DH.

I don’t need time to do my own thing. This feels increasingly unhealthy to just carve out an engaging life outside of the family home but dull one within it.

I’ve thought about doing a jar with ideas before but I’m so sick of being the one to identify the issues then come up with a way to solve them. It’s still somehow only me driving the conversation and trying to drive a change.

Do your kids have activities at the weekend? As mine got older, they were less interested in family days out, so my time with them was driving them to football, for instance, and going by or McDonald’s after. They had very different interests so DC1 and I would often go to the cinema together. When 3 members of the family are not on board with family days out. It’s going to be stressful and disappointing.

Your DH is a seperate issue. I’m a single parent so didn’t have a grumpy husband to deal with alongside moody teens. Is he resistant to doing anything, or is it the family days out he doesn’t like? I think once your kids are teens, you can start thinking about what the two of you would like to do together, it’s fine to leave the teens for a few hours and go off and do something as a couple, would he be up for that?

Don’t get me wrong it’s not about spending every minute with my teens. I know they are pulling away and I enjoy watching them create their own lives.

It’s more about seeming to be the only one who cares that we’re drifting into a rut. I obviously don’t expect the kids to address this but I feel like I’m being sucked into a pit of routine fucking repeat repeat repeat and expected to somehow think it’s a fulfilling life. It’s like Groundhog Day.

Things will only change if I try to drag things back out of the rut. Otherwise we will sink deeper. Exhausting either way.

DH mostly doesn't block but he doesn’t suggest or initiate. Sure we could do things as a couple but only if I plan or arrange it. Same as our social life. We see friends if I arrange it.

I’m not suggesting to the teens that we go to farm adventure type places. And often when they come to something that they think they won’t enjoy, they do end up enjoying it. But if I don’t suggest anything, literally nothing happens.

I'm afraid the cold stark reality is that no one gives a shit. Your kids want to do their own thing and your husband isn't going to suddenly start wanting to go on walks together, organising date nights, weekend getaways, interesting activities etc. This is your lot. Either accept it or ship out and build a life without him. Brutal but true.

I was going to take myself off out this morning but I can’t stop crying. Can’t even hide behind sunglasses as wonderful DC1 broke two pairs of mine this summer.

But this is often what happens as your kids get older 🤷‍♀️

It is shit and upsetting and makes you question everything. As the oestrogen starts to wane though, the scales start to fall and you see the reality that you've been doing the life admin and emotional labour the whole time and it's very sobering. If there's spare cash, go to therapy or pour your heart out to chat gpt and start centring yourself and thinking about what YOU want.

If you’re the ‘only one coming up with ideas’ maybe you need to just accept the fact that the family dynamic isn’t working that way any more. Drop the rope. See what emerges.

I think the tighter you try to hold on to things, the more people (especially teens) want to run away from that. Just do cool things for yourself (cocktail night, film and popcorn night, take away Friday, yomp in the country with a pub meal, card games etc) and a casual invite to join.

Don’t chase a dog, let it come to you.

Tbh this just sounds like normal teenage behaviour, most teenagers wouldn’t initiate organising a day out with their parents . They spend more time with their friends on a weekend. Did your DH organise days out when the kids were younger or has it always been you ?

I hear you. If I didn’t suggest anything then we would have done nothing throughout the kids childhoods. DH is only really happy pursuing his own niche hobbies and kids would sit on screens all day. I gave up being the fun coordinator when the youngest hit 16 and apart from coercing them out to the occasional dog walk I’ve taken a leaf out of their book and started doing my own thing and finding friends of my own to meet up with.

I wonder if it’s more fundamental than the provision of extra bits of fun. Are you happy with where and how you live, generally?

There was a time when I was obliged to live somewhere that gave me almost none of the things that make life fun for me - and I was consequently unhappy the entire time. Then I moved to one of my favourite cities, reconnected with old friends and contacts and, importantly, established new everyday routines. It’s made a huge difference to how I feel about life. Obviously if you have teens in school you cannot move halfway across the country on a whim - I do get that. And I’ve no idea if even a small upheaval would be beyond your finances - but you’re bored and miserable and need a much bigger change than can be magicked out of ideas in a jar.

I would find you constant need for fun moments very difficult. I couldn't cope with life being that curated. Why not orgamise things for yourself and ask others if they would like to join you instead. You are not responsible for others happiness.

If it’s any consolation, the teens come back.

Mine are mid twenties now and live fifty miles away but they are always coming up with ideas for things for us to do. Some of the things are museums/galleries/holidays.

However, increasingly they suggest going to farms and other places we went to when they were little. It’s very cute. Tbh I am now the one sighing and thinking “can’t we just stay home and watch a film?” but of course I do enjoy it.

I do think if you say “right, I am off to Hampton Court/Blenheim Palace/Castle Howard today. I am leaving at 11. Be ready by then if you want to join me” you might be surprised. You do have to go through with it though.

I feel like this at weekends sometimes - I want to go and DO STUFF and everyone else wants to just chill. I suspect however it’s because I have a less busy life in the week than they do. So it’s not surprising they want to do nothing for a bit.

I think you need to go out by yourself more and accept that family activities/ days out are for when you’re on holiday. If your kids see you doing interesting things at home, or going out to X local activity/ event, that may eventually spark their interest, or even if it doesn’t it’s setting a good example for the future.

I tried the jar idea. You are right. The planning and execution would still come down to you. And you’d have to the emotional labour of jollying everyone into it. And if you were with my ex you’d then be called ‘controlling’ or told off for ‘chivvying’ everyone along.

Seriousjy. Read or listen to Fair Play and then get him to. If he still doesn’t see it or change then it’s time to consider your options. Stay and accept it’s down to you or it doesn’t happen. Or you leave, still do I all yourself but without the resentment that comes from being within an unequal relationship.

When mine were early teens they did their own thing I didn't organise anything for them. Why do you feel you have to do this. Why is it upsetting you so much to let them sort themselves out.

What hobbies do you do on your on your own or with friends?

Isn't the weekend for relaxing after being at work and school all week. Maybe they need a break and just want to chill at home. There is nothing wrong with that.

I tend to agree with this. I’m seeing my DH, BIL, Dad in a new light these days… Yes, they are all providers (although me, sister & mum are all working too!) but everything else falls to the women of the house. I’m just glad I didn’t marry young. At least I had that freedom… I think men get more out of domestic life than women, to be quite honest.

Sorry op but you need to move on. The days of mummy in charge doing family jolly activities are over. I agree it’s gutting but it is what it is.

Ours late teen we sometimes have meals and the odd game of scrabble and sometimes watch a program but that’s it. Part time jobs, friends, boyfriends, increasing school work and the drive for independence away from you are inexorable. I spend time with dh and friends now mainly. The childhood family unit years are magic but end. Flogging a dead horse.