Feeling solely responsible for keeping family life enjoyable

[MistyCats]

I’m finding it increasing hard to keep life fun. A few years ago I felt like we did loads all the time as a family and sprinkled in little added extras to keep things fun. I’m not talking extravagance but just little things that break up, quite frankly, the monotony. A day out in a new place, a walk somewhere new, a picnic, slightly more special dinners on a weekend, a bike ride, a drive somewhere. A nice dessert ffs.

DC are early teens so not easy to find things they’ll willingly do. DH never contributes to ideas and actually it always has been on me. I guess perimenopause isn’t helping but I feel drained at trying to make life less boring. Since last year I stopped driving all the ideas and we’ve literally done nothing other than routine stuff.

I seem to be the only bothered by it but if I don’t suggest anything then no one does anything and we all sit on separate screens which is just depressing.

So I’m quite resentful to be the only one doing something about it, but refuse to let us sink deeper into this boring rut.

I have an idea for today. If I don’t suggest it then literally nothing will happen. If I do suggest it the whole orchestrating is on me, met with teen eye rolling and neutrality / passivity from DH.

I could just go alone. I could lean on friends more but I fear that will just widen the gap and actually end up being quite a lonely state.

It feels like such a half life.

Anyone been in a similar situation and managed to resolve it?

I wonder if some men are galvanised in different ways than us.

I started going to the theatre with a good friend several times a year. DH used to work in theatre ffs but always said shows were too expensive, or 'let's see' if I suggested one, but when he started wishing he had seen some of the shows we went to, he started to book us tickets. It was me doing things without him and having fun that activated him. Same with holidays. I started going with friends or alone, and suddenly he realised he wanted to come too.

DH is way more passive and introverted than me. He can go an entire year wihtout having even a single beer with a friend. So I often socialise without him now. But that doesn't mean our marriage is over. We do a lot together now he has got into the habit of planning our outings.

I totally get what you mean. It's such a shame when everyone just sits on separate screens.
All part of our children getting older though is that time spent together does get harder to fit in to a busy week.
Friends/school/work if they have a part time job etc makes it tricky but I tell my lot to put aside one day (in the calendar)for us all do something together.
I know you say you would rather your DH did this but don't dwell on it. Just do it yourself - your kids will remember that you were the one that drove family time as they get older.
X

You absolutely can set boundaries around what you are willing to accept in a marriage but you can’t rely on him changing.

If he can get his head around the mental load and emotional labour that you do and start pulling his weight then great.

If he won’t then you need to make a choice. Stay or go. And if you stay then how to make the most of life within those confines.

But your first job is talking with him about it.

I'm asking because it sounds like you're suffering from an overall setup in your life that is boring/shit, and you're trying to paper over that with fun experiences on the weekends/holidays. But maybe if your overall setup wasn't so boring, you wouldn't feel that pressure? Eg a new job, new challenge, new hobby, something that reduces that feeling that life is boring.

I know that might seem a tall order but it might be preferable to ending your marriage, which is where you seem to be heading.

I totally get it and I can fully hear you. There’s a lot of people on this thread making this a you problem. It’s not unreasonable to not want to be the project manager for every single little last fun thing. It’s utterly exhausting. I’ve decided just to do more for me and stuff then. I’ve no other option.

What you're experiencing is a typical mid-life situation after a long marriage with teenage kids which now requires an adjustment. How you adjust is up to you - you have several options here. But always remember, this is temporary - nothing ever stays the same - even if you feel you're unappreciated and in a boring marriage!

You do sound depressed as well. I would recommend some talking therapy around your marriage and transitioning of your children towards their adulthood. And definitely take time to yourself to do some positive, engaging activities and hobbies away from the family. Even something simple like an afternoon at the cinema can re-set your mood.

I would lower your expectations around your husband for now, ironically that will ease the pressure on you as well, and give yourself time to think about whether you want to continue in your marriage or not.

Sympathies for you - my first marriage didn't survive with my 'bystander' husband, so I do understand how you feel, but expecting him to step up is unrealistic and I suspect unlikely to happen.

I get it and have posted my own experience of the same.

The only options are..

1. talk to him about it and educate him (eg Fair Play book) and put down some boundaries
2. carry on as you are
3. carry on as you are but build yourself joy outside of the family
4. divorce him so at least you don’t have the loneliness and resentment of having a partner in theory but not in practice.

What are you going to do?

I do get it. The not wanting to do it is hurtful - it’s not just the labour you end up doing. It’s about values.

I’m so sorry OP, I remember those times and feelings very well, and with pain.

when you were younger and in the midst of family life, estrogen and dopamine meant you could ignore or didn’t even notice all the inequalities. Each time, esrogen and dopamine boxed up any resentment, anger, sadness, confusion and put it away in the attic of your mind. You were ok doing all that creative thinking and organising because it was fun, new, stimulating - what a good mother and wife!

Now as you enter menopause I’m afraid the door to the attic has been opening and booommm all the boxes are tumbling down and splitting open.

you’re gazing at the decades of being taken for granted by everyone ( including yourself), at the consequences of the roles you’ve played in your family dynamic, and it’s intolerable.

plus, you are, possibly unconsciously, aware that soon you’ll be left with your husband as the kids go off and start their own lives- and it’ll be you and him, night after night, bored to tears as death comes ever closer.

your unconscious mind is ahead of you. It’s letting you know that a HUGE change is imminent. Consciously you’re raging that this means MORE FUCKING JOBS FOR YOU. But OP, this time, it’s a job for YOU, maybe the first time you’ve actually had permission to think about what you need and want. And that has to be beyond “I need and want my DH to change”, because he won’t.

good luck. It does get better

The problem is that your dh has never made family time a priority so your kids have went that way too. He’s basically modelled how family life is by being so uninterested in doing things or planning them

you have two choices OP. Keep doing it or stop doing it. Pick one.

This. I'd build my own life and be out the house as much as possible and wait for them to notice and ask to join or suggest doing something.

Post on social media as well(!) - lots of pics and show how much fun you're having.

Or, OP can have a proper conversation with her partner and ask for changes to be made.

I totally get it OP. I am in the same position really although my teenage DD is still quite happy to come for a day out.

I have organised everything to do with our social life, holidays, birthdays, Xmas - sometimes it is a bit draining and I get fed up, like you say, we just wouldn’t do anything if it wasn’t for me.

The plus point though is that we do everything I want to do / go. Obviously in the past this has evolved around our DD and making memories for her. Left to my DH, it would simply not occur to him to do this. She would probably have ended up washing his car on a weekend or something!

Recently, my DH has been suggesting a holiday he would like us to do. Unfortunately it’s just not something I want to do. I keep thinking AIBU but I just don’t think I can do it (a driving holiday - think a convoy of posh cars driving around albeit scenic locations).

So yes I do get a bit resentful now and again but the advantage is I book where I want to holiday.

I work full time so I already see the kids less than DH. I would then feel guilty / sad for being unavailable during spare time too.

And doing something to “test to see if they notice” just feels manipulative.

And we’ve talked. And talked. And I’ve cried / screamed / suggested, tried gently, tried tough.

I do not believe he will change.

The bottom line - and oh the irony - is that it is on me to decide whether I can continue put up with it. He would never leave. Hasn’t got the gumption, or quite frankly the first clue about how to make it happen. Not could he afford it.

Tbh my expectations of him have lowered over the years. He has repeatedly shown that he cannot cope or won’t step up to what is actually needed. So the underfunctioning-overfunctioning dynamic keeps snowballing.

How low do my expectations have to go before they are rotting with resentment? Why should I have to keep lowering my expectations? Why do I have to adjust but he doesn’t / won’t.

My set up is what keeps us going. I can’t change it. He has all the freedom and financial backing in the world to create something amazing for his own career. Can you guess what he’s done with that?

He’s sucking everything from me. This is ultimately what it comes down to.

I'm so sorry OP. The more you write, the worse he sounds! It's not just about not organising things to do, things are much more unfair than that.

Honestly in your situation I would think about leaving, yes it's another thing to organise but then you'd be done. Can you imagine growing old with him after your children leave? It doesn't sound like it.

I could have written your post OP. Following for advice.

What was it like pre kids? Dh and I used to do lots together. We now feel we have come “full circle” as back to us again now and that’s a good thing. Did he used to be fun?

You can’t change him though. That is impossible. You only have two
options open to you. Put up
and build your own life or leave and build your own life. The option of him changing is not on the table.

And this is why I can’t stop crying today.

I think I’ve been kidding myself 😞

I had this, I got divorced.
He's never taken the kids on a proper holiday or even a day out since! Every 2 years they might stay somewhere rural, for one night. Money not an issue, he just likes staying in.
It's much easier organising stuff for yourself and the kids when there isn't a big blob of indifference dragging you down. Less resentment too.
We've had some great times.

OMG!! This was me. Honestly. Financial security provided by me. Emotional labour provided by me. Mental load provided by me. He had complete freedom to build his business and he just flitted from one vanity project to the next. Never finished anything. So many promises broken.

Any time I raised it he’d just rage at me and verbally abuse me. He was quite controlling too. And dysregulated. It was like having another child. But scary too.

I am divorcing him now and I’m still having to do the leg work. And I won’t lie, it’s been hard in lots of ways but I never ever regret my decision. The loneliness and resentment in a marriage like that wear you down. I look back and feel that I had a parasite leeching from me. Draining my money, my energy, my emotional bandwidth, my headspace. I was like you. I would cry in the car. Avoid going home. Avoid him at home. It was soul destroying.

I do sometimes feel lonely now but it rarely lasts long and a lot of the time I feel lighter and it’s so much more peaceful. I feel joy. I dance to music in the kitchen. My teen DC are still not that up for days out but that feels ok now. It’s not the family life I imagined. But it’s peaceful and I’m captain of the ship but without a ship mate dragging me down.

Although just a word of warning - divorce is very expensive. I had no idea. And although his financial contribution was less than mine, it is harder financially now. But I can see that post divorce I might feel like I have the energy to go for a promotion or increase my hours.

What's the solution do you think then? Which advice on here are you going to follow? I don't think it's manipulative to live the life you want and to try influence your family to follow suit.. isn't that just parenting?