Feeling solely responsible for keeping family life enjoyable

[MistyCats]

I’m finding it increasing hard to keep life fun. A few years ago I felt like we did loads all the time as a family and sprinkled in little added extras to keep things fun. I’m not talking extravagance but just little things that break up, quite frankly, the monotony. A day out in a new place, a walk somewhere new, a picnic, slightly more special dinners on a weekend, a bike ride, a drive somewhere. A nice dessert ffs.

DC are early teens so not easy to find things they’ll willingly do. DH never contributes to ideas and actually it always has been on me. I guess perimenopause isn’t helping but I feel drained at trying to make life less boring. Since last year I stopped driving all the ideas and we’ve literally done nothing other than routine stuff.

I seem to be the only bothered by it but if I don’t suggest anything then no one does anything and we all sit on separate screens which is just depressing.

So I’m quite resentful to be the only one doing something about it, but refuse to let us sink deeper into this boring rut.

I have an idea for today. If I don’t suggest it then literally nothing will happen. If I do suggest it the whole orchestrating is on me, met with teen eye rolling and neutrality / passivity from DH.

I could just go alone. I could lean on friends more but I fear that will just widen the gap and actually end up being quite a lonely state.

It feels like such a half life.

Anyone been in a similar situation and managed to resolve it?

I think you’re expecting too much. Teens won’t want to do family days out really.

I get it though DS is a bit younger. It’s not so much wanting to force people to have fun or ‘make memories’ (vom), it’s the stifling feeling that everyone weekend becomes exactly the same and we’re wasting our lives sat at home doing nothing. I struggle with coming up with ideas all the time and then executing them when nobody else has any enthusiasm at all. I find it increasingly hard going. As DS gets older, I do more of my own stuff but it would be nice to feel like I’m sharing that stuff with my family!

Just go off and do your own stuff. I think it’s a mindset - some women get stuck in the “little kid mummy in charge” stage but that’s over. It’s actually quite freeing! Good for them to see you doing your own stuff too. I have an active local friend group and the teens are often “what’s mum up to now?!”.

It’s less about the teens and more about DH. He doesn’t care that our life has got boring. Or at least he doesn’t show it. He doesn’t care that I’m unfulfilled.

I have organized everything for us as a couple and as a family for the past 25 years. I have stopped since last year and it’s just got so dull. We never do ANYTHING unless I initiate and arrange it. Every day out, holiday, birthday, Christmas is because I’ve made it happen. including my own birthday.

I am exhausted. And fed up. I work a busy senior stressful job (as the main breadwinner). I need my home life to balance the shit in the week. We live in a gorgeous place but unless I figure out what to do, or where to go, we don’t make the most of it.

I refuse to accept that finding fun outside of the family is the only solution. I would expect a well balanced life between work, family, social is the right combo.

Has it been a year since you all did something or went somewhere together? What do DC think about that? Have they & DH commented on this?

You're upset and rightly so. Pop out yourself today and get some space. Even if it's just a solo drive or walk. Stop for a coffee & cake.

Hope you work it out

Well … Maybe you can’t have what you want within your current domestic set-up?

They don't care about it. You've been arranging things for you, not them. So why would they be planning things if they're happy to just relax at home?

The solution isn’t the teens. They will get further and further away then eventually push off altogether. Sounds like your relationship is dead. Dh and I doing more and more now much cheaper and easier for two. He’s a real doer though cinema theatre bike rides. Friends with dhs like yours either divorce them or build their own life still married but without him. I have friends and I’ve literally not seen their dhs for years.

Maybe you and DH just see things differently. A weekend for me and DH is pottering and relaxing at home. Maybe watching an afternoon film together.

Sorry but why is DH solely responsible for your fulfilment? Surely that’s your job.

If he has different interests and priorities than you, you have to carve out a life where you find that fulfilment without him tagging along.

If you don’t have friends to do stuff with are you willing to change that? Are you uncomfortable doing things on your own? I’m in my sixties and love travelling solo. I meet lots of women (very few men) doing the same thing.

Your marriage doesn’t need to end because you go to tennis and cinema without him, along with the odd holiday or weekend away. Unless you want it to of course.

It's not realistic to expect your husband to change who he is after 25 years.
Fulfillment doesn't come from other people.
Would you be happier if you divorced?

My happiness doesn’t rely solely on DH, but is it really unreasonable to say that I’m tired of doing it all. We literally wouldn’t do anything if it was left to him. Nothing.

And he doesn’t care that I’m unfulfilled. He can’t or won’t see that I’m tired of being the breadwinner, doing all the life admin, and that I might want more to life than the same dinner on a Saturday night that we had on a Tuesday night, that there might be more to life than just the monotonous dredge. That we are both responsible for contributing to making fucking memories, that we are both responsible for making an enjoyable life, that we are both responsible for not letting things get stuck in a rut.

Quite frankly this is what I’m realizing. That he won’t change and maybe I’d be happier if we weren’t together. A pp mentioned an unequal partnership and this is what is currently playing on my mind.

The real kicker is that it’s one more thing that I’d have to arrange…

But what if he doesn’t feel stuck in a rut?

What if his life is perfectly enjoyable as it is?

You would be unreasonable to expect him to arrange activities for the two of you that he has no interest in.

You have a clear choice here. Either way, your DH isn’t likely to change and you can’t steamroller him into being someone he isn’t. I don’t think you want that anyway? You want him to want to arrange and organise activities with you. He doesn’t want to.

That we are both responsible for contributing to making fucking memories, that we are both responsible for making an enjoyable life, that we are both responsible for not letting things get stuck in a rut.

But this hasn't been the case for twenty five years.
We can't change other people.

So, as it always turns out on these threads, the issue is that your DH has never done anything and now after 25 years you're sick of carrying him.

He's not going to change after more than two decades. You can either choose to stay with him knowing he's always going to be this way, or leave and hope you find someone who fits you better.

Carrying him is exactly it. Maybe it wasn’t all so obvious before the kids or when the kids were little.

I guess mid-life / peri is quite sobering (as I think someone else said earlier too). Its quite a hard wake up call to realise how unequal everything is. But is it really unreasonable to not be happy with that when it does smack you in the face?

And no he’s not happy. We’ve talked about it. He admits that he sticks his head in the sand and doesn’t face the issues head on and just hopes they’ll go away.

And yes it’s pretty much coming down to “put up or leave” and both options feel equally shit.

I have taken the ‘create a separate life’ approach. I didn’t want to throw a bomb into my children’s lives by forcing a separation and there’s no way DH will ever leave. I seem to be the only one unhappy in this family so I’ve taken up hobbies, I’ve expanded my support network, I’ve got a job I love with great hours and commute and I’ve basically started to say no to anything I don’t want to do.

Yes it can be lonely but it helps that horrible burning resentment and sometimes I actually feel sorry for DH that his happiness is sitting on the sofa when now my world is so big.

But is it really unreasonable to not be happy with that when it does smack you in the face?

Of course it's not unreasonable

If leaving feels shit, then I would try to get those completely valid needs met elsewhere. Whether that’s by doing stuff solo or with friends.

If that really doesn’t work for you, at least you will know that you tried.

I created my own life too when I realised DH wasn't at all interested in doing things with me and the kids. Eventually I left him as resentment killed any desire I had for him. It won't matter if you nag him or force him to spend time with you, it's not genuine. It's not what he wants to do. Anyone can pretend for a bit, or do it because they know the alternative is that you leave, but whichever way you look at it doesn't matter because they are not doing it because they want to and that's what you want.

I'm glad to see that you have friends. Spend more time with them. Make you own weekend plans. Letting go is quite satisfying. Your kids will be your kids regardless, your husband is optional.

You keep referring to your life as boring and shit. Isn't that the real problem?

You're basically wanting your family to help you cope with a life you hate, I think from that light yes it makes sense that you're the one to organise things. You're the one with the strong need to do them.

Maybe instead of getting upset with your family (who sound like the one good thing in your life) focus on making the rest of your life less painful for you.

OP, I think that sort of lethargy is common in early teens. (And in peri and menopause ) I solved it (a bit) by doing things which required taking turns. We had family film nights once a week and took turns to choose the film and the snacks, so everyone has to plan it once a month. Do family days out and each person takes turns to choose a place to go or an activity to do. You can plan it in a single session by blocking out specific days on the calendar and allocating one day to each person, maybe with a budget or a theme. You could jog them for ideas, like saying: paddleboarding, or cycle ride or cooking over a bonfire or trying the outdoor gym on the rec etc but they have to sort it out. Or even just make it an hour. One hour each weekend where they have to choose a group, non-screen-related activity - a board game, card game or swim at local pool.

Unhealthy? I think it is quite the opposite. Everyone needs to be an individual with their own outside interests & friends, not just part of an insular family group about which everything revolves, and who do everything together. Your dc are starting to plough their own furrows in life and that is a totally healthy thing for them to do.

You aren't just 'Wife/Mother/FamilyLynchpin', there should be a lot more to you than that. You need to find out who you are again.

Time to accept that your family dynamic is changing. You need to change with it.

OP, I just want to say that putting up with it or leaving (and organising the entire separation single-handedly as so often happens in these situations) is such a dreadful choice, and feels so harrowingly unfair after you’ve held everything together for so long. It’s trotted out quite flippantly on here, I find - mostly with indignation on the OP’s behalf, and a desire for her to break free and take life by the balls (thereby doing what so many of us haven’t been bold enough to do yet).

But it does suck. Trying to muster a little bit of variety and joie de vivre and connection so it doesn’t just feel like life is just chores and killing time on screens until it’s time to go back to work or school.