Feeling solely responsible for keeping family life enjoyable

[MistyCats]

I’m finding it increasing hard to keep life fun. A few years ago I felt like we did loads all the time as a family and sprinkled in little added extras to keep things fun. I’m not talking extravagance but just little things that break up, quite frankly, the monotony. A day out in a new place, a walk somewhere new, a picnic, slightly more special dinners on a weekend, a bike ride, a drive somewhere. A nice dessert ffs.

DC are early teens so not easy to find things they’ll willingly do. DH never contributes to ideas and actually it always has been on me. I guess perimenopause isn’t helping but I feel drained at trying to make life less boring. Since last year I stopped driving all the ideas and we’ve literally done nothing other than routine stuff.

I seem to be the only bothered by it but if I don’t suggest anything then no one does anything and we all sit on separate screens which is just depressing.

So I’m quite resentful to be the only one doing something about it, but refuse to let us sink deeper into this boring rut.

I have an idea for today. If I don’t suggest it then literally nothing will happen. If I do suggest it the whole orchestrating is on me, met with teen eye rolling and neutrality / passivity from DH.

I could just go alone. I could lean on friends more but I fear that will just widen the gap and actually end up being quite a lonely state.

It feels like such a half life.

Anyone been in a similar situation and managed to resolve it?

Well then you have your answer OP. Tell dh that he NEEDS to start taking the initiative or the marriage is going to fail within 12 months. Tell him you want him to organise one “thing” a month - whether that’s a board game night at home with home made nachos; or family trip to IKEA to buy a new shelf for the living room; or trying Segway in the local forest, or visiting a nature reserve to watch bats at night, or meeting friends at the pub …

Then - most important- do NOT complain, criticise or huff and sigh just be really excited and grateful at whatever he comes up with.

It's never unhealthy to have time for your own thing. You can then bring a greater energy to family life as you've had time to decompress. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

What I see is plenty of women creating lives away from their miserable husbands. I think a social life and separate activities outside of the marriage or family should be complementary not compensatory. Why be married if the bits of life that you enjoy exist to a greater extent outside of the marriage?

And I’m confused by people on here, other women I assume, saying I have to change but that it’s unfair to expect my husband to change….

I think you need to change your mindset about this. Everyone else is resting. It’s okay to rest. Stop filling all the time with things. I encourage my teen to decide what she wants to do in a weekend and I will facilitate that. So some of that involves sports training, sometimes she might work (though mostly her job is after school), sometimes she might see friends and I (or Dh) drive her around to do all of that. Otherwise, Dh and I go do the things we enjoy individually.

Yes, we do things as a family but it’s not constant forced fun. I let them rot if they want. They have very busy weeks. I don’t need to spend my weekends dancing around entertaining everyone. I think you need to re-frame all of this to appreciate that doing nothing is productive as long as they otherwise have busy lives during the week.

I also think you are conflating two separate things: you can be miserable in your marriage and you can not do constant obligatory family activities, but these things aren’t related. Dh and I have a very happy long marriage. We love to talk to each other. We have a laugh. Neither of us is miserable. It’s because we’re happy and secure that we both go do all the things we enjoy in life, see friends, have hobbies, sign up for sports events, go on solo holidays without the other. I don’t need to constantly be dragging us around the National Trust in the rain to prove to myself that our marriage is solid. We can all do our own things if we want.

If your marriage is unhappy, it’s not because you aren’t all out doing pottery painting together every weekend.

Don't change, just do whatever you want. The only person we can change is ourselves, not any other person. Rightly so.

Why would your husband change who he fundamentally is as a person when you've known what he's like for such a long time?

Why be married is something to ask yourself. For me, my husband enhances my life, he's funny, patient, makes things easier, I enjoy his company. We don't share the same hobbies.

I’m very happy to have lazy days. Very happy to have time with nothing on. I’m just totally fed up with being the only one to instigate. It’s not about forced fun and being up and out all the time.

It’s about acknowledging that life gets dull and sometimes having a nice dessert on a Friday night is a little way to mix things up. Or saying, let’s go for a walk together when we’ve dropped the kids at their activity, or let’s make something nice for a Sunday brunch, or let’s have friends over etc etc” rather than letting days/weeks/months come and go without proposing anything… even let’s watch a film together.

I totally understand what you’re saying. My kids are 10/13 and I miss the endless weekend activities honestly. I loved going to parks and beaches and castles. But that’s not the framework of our lives anymore.

The thing is, if you’ve been clear about what you want and your husband doesn’t want the same thing you can’t really do anything about it. You can’t make him engage in the way you’d like most - you can circle around him and hang out together when you both want to, you can leave him, you can go ignore him - these are things you can do. You have no control over the things he does.

And I think finding little gaps of time to spend with your kids is important. We are figuring that out and failing a lot but finding little things - movie night or ice cream sundaes or whatever. But the majority of their time is no longer spent with me.

I think I need to take advantage of my new freedom and find more things I would have done 15 years ago and pick them up again. Craft classes or fitness (that fell by the wayside a decade ago!) or whatever.

I once booked my own birthday trip - DH never had arranged anything in my birthday and so I thought, as per MN advice, that if that’s the kind of thing I’d like to do in my birthday I’ll have to accept I’ll need to book it myself. Just a simple hotel to go and do an activity that we enjoy as a family.

When it came to getting ready to go, none of them bothered to get up and get sorted. I prompted them a few times as I was getting stuff ready but no movement. So I went alone.

We’ve had several long haul multi-centre holidays where the stress of getting it right, fitting it in budget, making sure it all comes together, has nearly finished me off.

I need to get my head in the right place before I can be dead chuffed with any old thing he suggests. It’s very hard to not think that anything he’ll do will be too little too late. And that even then he’d only be doing it because of told him and it’s under threat of divorce.

I don’t understand why you expect him to be someone he isn’t?

He doesn’t want to do the things you do. He doesn’t think your life is dull. You do. This isn’t his problem. If he would rather separate than force himself to bend to become the partner you want, then that’s reasonable enough isn’t it?

I’m with you to a certain extent in that I would find his life boring, and the life you aspire to is vastly preferable to me, but he doesn’t. That’s the sticking point you seem unable to get over.

If there is nothing of value left in your marriage, you should end it. However, many women (and men) are happily married whilst carving out a separate social life for themselves.

You just need to decide whether or not you can be one of them. Focusing on how to make him change is futile.

He has said he’s not happy with the rut. He is bored too. But is basically waiting for me to fix it. I either have to prop us up or fold the marriage. While he just goes along with whatever I decide. So all of the responsibilities sit with me, whether that’s making the marriage healthy again or twisting the knife. Draining either way.

I agree with you. There's a difference between resting and vegetating. I did think it my responsibility to ensure DC got fresh air, exercise and time away from screens every weekend, and that they socialised with peoplemtheir own age, even in their most reclusive teen-cave years, at least once every ten days or so.

But also, it is our job to teach them to be engaged with life - to see what's going on around them and to be curious to try things. That's not the same as overscheduling them, which our family was never guilty of doing.

Interesting. I’m not sure I would believe him to be honest.

Do you think he just tells you what is easiest?

You need to say this to him. Say: we both need to fix this. We both need to make an effort for each other. Let's take turns doing something new each week. Ask him to start (if he needs to be persuaded it;s his turn, point out the last few things you organised and say for this to work, he needs to be willing to make at least the same effort. To book something interesting or unusual or fun to do this week. Then you will organise something next week. It doesn't matter if the thing planned is in a month's time. The point is to get into the habit, once a week, of planning something fun together for the near future. As soon as he's booked it and paid for it, it is your turn to book something. They can be surprises or things to jointly look forward to. Just check the other person is free on the day of the event. If they are things family can do together, that's good too. But his turn then your turn, and if DC want in, their turn too.

Ah OP I hear you - you sound really sad and tired.

I will say that IME early teens is a particular low point of lethargy and disconnection. As my DC got older, we started to do things like go to gigs and festivals together and he became much better company and we had some great holidays and meals out etc. when he was 13 I remember feeling like it was all over but actually mid-late teens have been a real high point of our relationship so far. So don’t give up hope.

No advice on the DH front as I have been single for many years, but I will say I don’t see many of the middle aged men around me making things happen. And yes that is shit and unfair.

Men can be passive. DH is. He needs nudging to leave the house or to meet up with anyone who isn't close family on his side. And yet, once nudged, he is weirdly active about things. Since I said we had to take turns to book dates or outings for each other, he has come up with some good ideas, including things I had no idea were on. Not every date is wildly exciting but they all beat watching TV every night.

People are telling you to change because that's the bit you can control, not because they don't think he has any responsibility to make things better.

In all honesty, your marriage sounds very miserable and I'm surprised you've stuck with him for as long as you have.

I don't think it was ever a healthy marriage from what you describe.

Thanks all for the different perspectives and experiences.

I’ve spent the afternoon in a car park, in the car, crying and sleeping. Every time I think I’m ok I go to go home and the thought of the kids faces just sets me off again.

That's so true - 11 to 13/14 are the hibernation years.

They sort of close down while the hormones run riot, but also, while they try to decide what kind of adults they want to be. I found they were most engaged by things that helped them explore new styles. Those were the years when they were prepared to try new food in restaurants or cooking it at home, when they would sit with me and create mood boards for their ideal bedrooms then we'd scale the plans down to affordable versions and they helped redecorate their childhood bedrooms into something more teenage. And soon they are allowed to go to gigs but only with an adult, which is probably you or DH unless they have cousins or trustworthy friends over 18 who share their taste in music.

They also start to show interest in their appearance, so maybe you and DH could encourage weights, running, cycling, swimming, or all join a gym as a family and workout together a couple of times a week, to help them develop a toned physique. Sneak fitness (and hygiene) in via the backdoor of them wanting to look good.

Huge sympathy!
I think there are two issues here @MistyCats
Firstly, your kids are going into teenage stage of lolling around and not wanting to go out as a family unless it’s something like getting a pizza or whatever.
They definitely aren’t bovvered!

Secondly, your husband isn’t too bothered about planning anything either.
I have one of these and it’s honestly a waste of time.
I have tried and tried but he just can’t do it, has absolutely no imagination or drive to organise anything.
Enjoys stuff that I suggest or organise and doesn’t (usually) moan but never comes up with anything.
Ive experimented by not organising anything at all and he’s happy just pottering about doing nothing much.
Having complained I spent a lot of time with my grandchildren or going to exercise classes, I made sure there was a completely free day every week to see if he would suggest something.
Nope.
Absolutely no imagination at all.
If I complain about it he will come up with something that we’ve done recently but won’t actually proactively DO anything so I’m still the organiser. Then it’s a one and done.
It’s very wearing and it’s also boring.
I just want him to ONCE say oh such and such is on, let’s go and see it and then organise it.
Not going to happen.
Ive started organising stuff with like minded friends as I really can’t be bothered.
Can you find something the teens like doing and just book it in once a month?
Cinema?
Thai meal (or whatever)?
Bowling?

It’s hard work with teenagers if they aren’t enthusiastic. Leave them to it if they aren’t interested and make a life for yourself.

And yet... a wise friend of mine with older DC told me to find something we all had in common, to help bind the family together during teen years, as it is all too easy to drift apart. We found three things we all liked and they did keep us together.

We also said there were certain things that they should be familiar with by the time they are adults, what MN calls 'cultural capital' - so we did lots of short trips to museums and galleries, took them to the theatre, to at least one opera, one Shakespeare, one comedy gig, one classical concert, one smart restaurant, one carnival etc as well as introducing them to lots of new cuisines via street food stalls, different music at day festivals etc.

I think they need a balance of time with friends and time with family in their teens. And family time is not about all being in separate rooms on screens.

I do agree with other posters that there's no harm in also starting to get rid of some of your boredom by doing things just for you - new fitness classes definitely, going out more with friends etc. It's a massive shock to the system when they leave home if you haven't started to already build a life for yourself outside of being their mum and earning a living.

But family stuff still matters.

I could literally have written this entire post word by word, line by line. I am in the exact same place. I too could now just think - ok well I will just reclaim some of the old me back and just so more things alone or with my friends. But like you - I think there would be a gap widened with my immediate family. I remember my parents never made any effort to do little things at all throughout my teenage years and I don’t want the same for my own family. Sometimes I am mind boggled that no one else is bothered about doing stuff.

Why are you upset to see your kids?? It's really your DH who is making you the most unhappy.

I'm just wondering why you're both so bored. I wouldn't say we do lots or always do new things but we're never bored.

Because they know I’m upset, they’re probably confused, and if our marriage ends up breaking down, guess who’s going to have to manage it and therefore make it look like it’s my choice and therefore become the baddie by default?

Life is like Groundhog Day. Because I’ve stopped booking anything in. That’s the point of this whole thread. We’re bored because our family entertainment or even just general joy to break up the mundaneness of routines falls to me and I’m over it. It’s a lot to bear. If you don’t get it then you don’t need to post.