Disabled ma/ grandma overwhelmed by hosting Christmas for 14 and unsure what to do without causing bad feeling

[Mollymoppett]

I’m a mum and grandma, I find Christmas overwhelming, no idea what to get kids, son is always too busy to discuss. There are now 14 of us Christmas Day and I just don’t want to do it anymore, weeks to prepare and days to clean up. I’m disabled and have always struggled but as I’m getting older things are getting more difficult. No one else can host for various reasons, some want to go out but at £150 a head, wow ! Plus I cant eat normally ( thanks to chronic gut problems) so that seems a waste, plus some of the group refuse to pay that. I know what will happen - no one will make a decision then a few weeks before il end up offering and wear myself out again,
how do you all deal with the Christmas dynamics, how would the younger mums feel if families did their own things just for the lunch and then meet up after ( my son thinks is an abhorrent idea, splitting family apart etc).
I just don’t know. My DH says we should just go away but I don’t want to do that either ( pets to consider, health is dodgy and I like to be at home for Christmas ).

Tell them you can't host anymore, it's time for others to step up. To let you know when they've planned something.
Drop the rope, opt out of solving things for them.

I am in a similar situation to you, OP, but my children do not bully me. I think your son is bullying you over this matter. I think you need to tell everyone now, more or less what you've said above. Why will no one else host?

Send out a mass message today saying due to your declining health you will no longer be hosting Christmas as your unable to do it any longer and that everyone needs to make their own plans.

Honestly - I’d say tell them what you’ve told us here. Scrap
the Christmas lunch in its traditional form - everyone can bring a buffet dish and you can order some of nice nibbles that are always in the supermarket at that time of year. But some festive paper plates and napkins which you can throw away afterwards. That way, you all get to celebrate together at a reasonable cost but you’re not left totally exhausted. Anyone missing their turkey can cook their own on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, or when they get home.

About time they offered to host you. Just say you cannot do it anymore.
And they can give you options for the children’s presents too.
Communicate it clearly. And every month. Repeat. You are not doing it.

Wow 14! I would honestly say to them you just want a quiet Christmas this year and leave it up to them if they want to go out they can maybe put together and pay yours

Message them all today - you’re not able to cope with all of the work of hosting the big lunch anymore, so maybe it would be best to all meet up in the afternoon for mulled wine/hot chocolates. Alternatively would you be ok with hosting at your house (I’m assuming you have the space) on condition that other people deal with the shopping, cooking and tidying up?

You need to be really clear - no wishy washy “oh it’s getting a bit much”. Just say flat out that you can no longer do it.

My mum stopped inviting us about 5 years ago, we couldn't go because of Covid the next year she said she was having a "quiet one" they don't want to come to us either,which is fine.

If you tell them you physically cannot do it and cannot afford it would there be an agreement to meet at your house but they work out between them to bring food either pre cooked or cook at yours. Mainly the vegetables and roast potatoes which they can prepare in advance .
Then......they clear away .

It's all very well them saying " but you'll split us up , change 5hings" but it's all on your shoulders , not fair.
You've probably done this for years and they don't appreciate what goes on behind the scenes.
I personally wouldn't want to go to a restaurant and I won't go away at Christmas so neither would work for me.

Do you have a family WhatsApp group? It’s handy for speaking to everyone at once.

You need to say to everyone that host Christmas day is too much for you now so it’s time to think of a new plan. Then offer one or two options. How about people come to us around tea time for desserts or we can have a lower key get together at mine between Christmas and new year and everyone can bring a contribution to a buffet. What do you all think?

Ask each to bring a course each and tell them you want help with the clearing up. Make everything easy, paper plates, online food order.

I would either buy them all pyjamas or give money/vouchers .

Tell everyone you are not doing it this year and tell them NOW.
Then they have plenty of time to decide what they want to do.
Would you be ok if they all came to yours and everyone brings a dish for a "pot luck" style meal?
As for gifts...tell everyone you want a list of what they would like as a gift. Set your budget and say the gift has to cost that or less. Let them know if they don't tell you what they would like they will be getting a book voucher.

This, and for those who turn up with an “oops forgot” turn them at the door to find the nearest open shop!

Time to stop Op - you’ve done your bit now it’s time for others to take over. What’s stopping them? Cooking skills, space to host, budget (it’s expensive providing a Christmas dinner for 14 people)? All those things can be overcome with a bit of willing - can you still cook but others help more, can others come to you but they do the cooking in your kitchen and help tidy up, can you go to your son but start a Kitty so everyone chips in with the cost?

Your son can’t complain about ‘splitting the family up’ if he’s not willing to put in the work to make getting together happen. Be firm - things have to change and how are you going to work together as a family to solve it? And if you can’t it’s a shame but you’ll see them separately over the festive season when you and DH get back from your nice Christmas vacation! Hold the line Op, things have to change!

Do none of them go to inlaws on Christmas day ? My Dc take turns to visit their inlaws.

Have you got a family chat what's app group? A breezy message about retiring from hosting Christmas but happy to assist in the new host making preparations..
Ours has changed over recent years with adult dc now sleeping at their own homes instead of mine!

If it’s the work you don’t want, but the togetherness you do want, tell everyone that they’re each to bring something (allocate something to everyone), that you will do one gift per child and none for the adults, and that you will need help washing up etc afterwards. Get your DH to do the cleaning up in the following days. Hosting is always going to involve a degree of extra work but there’s no need for it to be everything given you’re talking about adults and you’re disabled.

Does anyone else have the space to host everyone? If so it’s someone else’s turn. If not can you say that can come to your house but you won’t be cooking and they need to help prepare and clean??

Perhaps ask your son ( the one who doesn't want to split families) to agree to do the shopping and the cooking and all the rest, while you provide the venue. See if he agrees. If he does, hope he follows through and pulls his weight on the day. If he doesn't, listen to your DH and go away next year.

Surely someone of the 14 must see that the effort is getting too much for you to bear?

ETA " while you provide the venue"

Either someone else hosts it all or they do the cooking at your house.

I've done the family Xmas cooking at my mums for a few times - we do an online food shop, she puts it away but then I do all the prep and cooking on the day. Easy.

If you don't say something, you will do it again. Whether that's out of reluctance saying anything to them, or a feeling of obligation and trying "to keep the family together" etc. I don't know.

Your family see your weak spots and one of them is just doing what they expect and demand!

It's not easy is it to break a tradition, I get that. However, my approach would be, ok let's have Christmas Day in my house with everyone together, but I am cooking nothing, BYO and work it out amongst you all.

Your son needs telling. Arrogant bully by the sounds of him.

Tell them all that Christmas is changing this year and if nobody else can host then they are all invited later for presents, drinks and Christmas pudding but you’re not able to do the dinner anymore.

For gifts, everyone gets something consumable. Chocolates or wine, sweets for the kids and a card with money in.

Job done.

I'm really sorry, I am just not able to host. You are all welcome here if... e.g. we each bring a part of the main meal or.... you all agree to clear after the meal

I need to pace myself, physically and financially, with gift buying, so please help me by letting me know what the children would like.

Sounds like a common problem, the people with the biggest house aren’t really the people to host for other reasons.

firstly do you actually want to see your family on Christmas Day? If the answer is no then time to say we are not hosting and doing own thing. If you do want to see them but the whole thing is overwhelming then you could tell them that they are welcome at your house but need to arrange the groceries, the cooking and the clearing up etc between them. As for gifts, this is the time to say that you are either not buying individual gifts this year (my mum is buy a holiday for us all, next summer in lieu of gifts) or buy gift cards for anyone over 7/8 at least. Failing that there’s a half way house of buying much ready done or close to it, frozen roast potatoes, frozen cauliflower cheese, you get the drift … much can be bought even now so you can do it gradually