Disabled ma/ grandma overwhelmed by hosting Christmas for 14 and unsure what to do without causing bad feeling

[Mollymoppett]

I’m a mum and grandma, I find Christmas overwhelming, no idea what to get kids, son is always too busy to discuss. There are now 14 of us Christmas Day and I just don’t want to do it anymore, weeks to prepare and days to clean up. I’m disabled and have always struggled but as I’m getting older things are getting more difficult. No one else can host for various reasons, some want to go out but at £150 a head, wow ! Plus I cant eat normally ( thanks to chronic gut problems) so that seems a waste, plus some of the group refuse to pay that. I know what will happen - no one will make a decision then a few weeks before il end up offering and wear myself out again,
how do you all deal with the Christmas dynamics, how would the younger mums feel if families did their own things just for the lunch and then meet up after ( my son thinks is an abhorrent idea, splitting family apart etc).
I just don’t know. My DH says we should just go away but I don’t want to do that either ( pets to consider, health is dodgy and I like to be at home for Christmas ).

Going away at Christmas is brilliant. You could rent a house by the sea or a dog friendly hotel and just do your own thing. So relaxing

My other suggestion is to say that it’s takeaway for Christmas dinner this year, and if they’d like to come that’s the deal. Paper plates, disposable cutlery, easy to tidy and no washing up!

Oh and if your son moans once he receives your message, he can always host instead.

My MIL ended up in a&e a couple of years ago by pushing herself to host. Some of the family still insisted on getting together after she was discharged.

The next year DH and I put our foot down and took over to much protest from the larger family, but to MIL thanking us in private. It is a different, simpler celebration because that is what we can manage, but it is what the family does now.

You need to say you are retiring from hosting and it is time for the next generation to take over. Let them figure out what that looks like. Forced to come up with a plan, they might surprise you. If they don’t, it is their fault.

If space is the issue, you can still let them use your home. They have to cook and wash though. This is on day where disposable products can be useful to prove a point. Don’t let them use your dishes if you aren’t 100% certain that they won’t wash. We use our ILs home for part of the celebration. We bring everything and all they need to provide is the house itself.

I wouldn't offer any solution that has the whole family descending on OP's house on Christmas day. Ten to one OP and her dh would end up doing a lot of the prep and clearing up, even if everyone brought what they were supposed to bring.

The main event needs to shift to another venue, so the burden of hosting falls on someone else.

Tea and cake on Boxing Day is the most op should offer.

Tell them now, then leave them to argue among themselves. Just keep repeating 'we are not hosting Christmas Day'.

Your son doesn't like it? Tough.

I think quite a few family members wouldn't at all mind doing their own thing on Christmas Day, then all meet up on another day, Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

You can't do it, it's that simple. It's meant to be a lovely day, not torture. Things must change. Just say no.

Your son is a selfish bully.

Go away over Christmas or follow @Autumnleaveandthegrass suggestion of dessert (bought in) on disposable plates and cutlery. Cash presents/gift vouchers for everyone.

If your son wants to keep the family all together Christmas tradition alive he can sort it out.

You have options between hosting everyone to a full dinner on Christmas day and seeing nobody.

If you feel up to it, treat it like a party - everyone brings their favourite party food, paper plates and cups and helps themselves. Music, drinks - happy days.

Or open house 'Your dad and I are in all day, we'd love you to pop round for drinks and mince pies (but I won't be cooking).

If you all want to have a meal together, we tend to go for a Christmas set menu in a Pub on Christmas eve, it's a quarter of the price and sets us up for a nice couple of days. Might that be an option?

Maybe it's just grown too big - maybe the families need to split and those who want to go out do that, those who don't feed themselves at home (and invite you to be looked after)

The crux is what would YOU like Christmas to look like and let everyone know NOW so there's no last minute pressure.

Presents - put a tenner in a card for anyone over 8. Christmas themed jellycat toy and a selection box for the rest. I hate buying presents!!

Things will only change if you set a boundary and stick to it.
It’ll be hard to instigate change this year, but you’ll reap the benefits for years to come.

It sounds like you’ve done your time of hosting and it’s time to let others do it, you need to be firm and if you say it now there’s still time for people to make arrangements. When my aunt was alive she loved hosting but as she got older we all helped, one did starter, going there Christmas Eve to peel veg and set table, someone else did desserts, it meant she wasn’t doing everything and we’ve still carried that on whoever hosts now. Some years we have wanted to do our own thing so I just said we’re doing X for Christmas so won’t be here.

I can understand your son being upset but you have to look after yourself.
Would be lovely to just show up for a meal and get it handed to you, while somebody else does all the work but you don't need to concern yourself with the feelings of any adult who can sit into a meal knowing that somebody has cooked for 14 people.
They are a disgrace

I would throw it open to the family- just say on the family Whatsapp that cooking for everyone is getting a bit much so let's do something different this year and see what they come up with. You've been in charge of the cooking for years- that doesn't mean you're also in charge of coming up with the next plan. Let someone else take on the mental and physical effort.

Tell them now that you won’t be hosting Christmas from now on going forward.
They will have enough time to decide what to do, hosting for 14 is ridiculous IMO.
Sit back and wait to be invited by someone else and they can experience the cost and stress for a change.

Also, my mum always gave me money to buy the kids their presents, as I didn't want a load of clutter round the house.
I would buy it, wrap drop to mums and then she would give the present.
Easier for her, and I knew they were getting what they wanted.
Now, as teenagers she gives cash

Urgh, I really hate these calendar holidays turning into obligation.

We are all telling you to drop the rope OP. Will you do it? Probably not.

Can you have it at your house but they do the cooking and shopping.

last time my mum hosted myself and my brother cooked and shopped for the main meal and Mum bought things for a Christmas Eve buffet. I usually host nowerdays due to house size but last year my brother and his wife did all the cooking.

the jobs just need to be shared out and everyone does their bit if they want to keep up with the big family day.

Just tell them. You can't do it any more, end of.

It's September, I'd just be blunt and tell them that you aren't going to do it this year. There's plenty of time for them to plan something else.

I’m sorry we can’t host this year - I don’t know how people want to manage Christmas ?

The ideas I have had - well -
We are happy to be just the 2 of us but equally happy to call round on others on the day itself, or if someone wants to take over my house and do it all we might just manage that / but I can’t cook, shop or clean so it really is handing over the reins. It’s worrying dad so much he’s talking about going away for Christmas !

I really feel for you. You should not be this stressed over Christmas when it's meant to be a time to relax.
Your family need to step up and make more effort.
Send them all a message soon so they can all decide what to do.
Offer your home as the venue but that's it.
Never know they may find it fun.. someone in charge of crackers and drinks and someone doing veg. I hope they understand and appreciate the trouble you go to every year.

Say to your son, if you think it's bad to split us all up, what do you suggest? Do you think it's fair on me?
Maybe everyone can bring the food to yours, rather than relying on you, or some of them can come and cook while the others look after any kids?

When full hosting got a bit much for my inlaws due to the number of people we split the cooking so they cooked the meat and warmed up some Yorkshires. We and other family arrived with sausages, roast potatoes, roasted veg, veg between us - ready to eat (but all live in the same town).

When even this shared cooking was too much the different families ate Christmas lunch at home (with someone inviting the inlaws) and then we got together after the main meal.

Another idea would be to have a "Christmas dinner" out a day or two early so dinners are much more reasonably priced and then get together on Christmas day after people have had their main meal.

This. Do not offer to host at yours still OP. It will still be a stressful day,which you want to avoid.

Well done for hosting for so long OP! I think as others have said you make it clear now that you will NOT be hosting any big meal get together over Christmas. If anyone else wants to take over the big meal hosting role they are very welcome to do so and not to worry that they will be stepping on your toes ( they won’t). If no one want to take it on then that’s fine too, you are perfectly happy to have a quiet Christmas at home with your OH and will make arrangements to see people over the Christmas period.