Disabled ma/ grandma overwhelmed by hosting Christmas for 14 and unsure what to do without causing bad feeling

[Mollymoppett]

I’m a mum and grandma, I find Christmas overwhelming, no idea what to get kids, son is always too busy to discuss. There are now 14 of us Christmas Day and I just don’t want to do it anymore, weeks to prepare and days to clean up. I’m disabled and have always struggled but as I’m getting older things are getting more difficult. No one else can host for various reasons, some want to go out but at £150 a head, wow ! Plus I cant eat normally ( thanks to chronic gut problems) so that seems a waste, plus some of the group refuse to pay that. I know what will happen - no one will make a decision then a few weeks before il end up offering and wear myself out again,
how do you all deal with the Christmas dynamics, how would the younger mums feel if families did their own things just for the lunch and then meet up after ( my son thinks is an abhorrent idea, splitting family apart etc).
I just don’t know. My DH says we should just go away but I don’t want to do that either ( pets to consider, health is dodgy and I like to be at home for Christmas ).

You provide the venue. Each family member brings food, sets the table, deals with clearing... family share the doing, you give them the base.

Tell it straight.
Admit that you love hosting and will host but you are too old to do it all.
Have an arrival and finish time.
Simplify the menu. Focus on family together. TV Carols. Local church. Walks.

Introduce a Kris Kringle for gifts. Each person buys for one other.

Allocate tasks.
BYO drinks
All men on dishes and clean up.
Ask kids and one adult to set the table.

You decide what is easy for you to cook.
Ask other people to bring the rest.

• Nibbles and fruit/cheese. Crackers
• Pudding and custard and cream
• Afternoon tea
• Supervise gift opening and games.

For the evening it is left overs and cheese toasties. Next day it is frozen fish fingers. Green tossed salad and chips and ice cream cones..

Book a cleaner for two hours the following week.

We had this. Now I give the kids money in a card or a gift voucher. No gifts for adults any more, which was mutually agreed.

We go away for three weeks over Christmas and New Year. Every year since Covid restrictions disappeared. Best. Thing. Ever.

We see them before we go away, just a gathering with nibbles and drinks, and pressies given to the kids.

No one questions it or is put out at all. Happy Days!

This sounds like a lovely idea! Tell them you’re not hosting Christmas dinner anymore as it’s too much for you now. But you would like to offer dessert after they’ve eaten! You can get a few in and ask others to bring ice cream, cheese and crackers!

@Mollymoppett Good grief OP. What a bullying bunch of adult children you've got around you. They sound utterly self absorbed. Surely they can see you're struggling but they obviously don't care. They'll have to start making their own new "traditions" from now on. Do not get involved in compromises (like people bringing buffet dishes or promising to do the shopping) because that simply won't happen and will descend into nothing but arguments and chaos. Those that want to go to a restaurant can do so, and those that can't afford it will have to stay home and do their own thing - like millions of other normal people do! As for presents, I would tell your children that if you don't get a sensible list in good time, everyone will get money. End of. I expect your husband is equally sick to death of this fiasco every year. It's his Christmas Day too. Just enjoy your Christmas day with him and your pets, cook a small dinner, have a glass of wine and put your feet up and watch a film. You deserve it.

Tell your son that since he’s so keen on a big family Christmas, he can do the hosting. The nerve of him.

I have no time at all for people with your son's attitude - they offer no help, not even suggestions for presents for their children, but go on about 'tearing the family apart', 'Christmas being a time for family' blah blah but do fuck all to contribute themselves when you want to change the routine.

Ignore all of it. You and your DH do what suits you and don't be bullied

Send out a group message to everyone -

Hi all, just thinking about Christmas this year and giving everyone plenty of notice that things will need to be done differently this year. I love having the family all together so happy to still have the dinner at mine but you'll need to arrange between you who is going to do the cooking and the cleaning as it's just too much for me now. Let me know all your thoughts or if anyone has any other ideas.

I think it’s quite shameful that they haven’t realised for themselves that this tradition needs to change now. 😔

I would say I’m going out for Xmas dinner or doing your own thing at home and leave everyone else to make their own arrangements. I know Xmas dinner out is expensive but can really be worth it, especially if the alternative is you running yourself into the ground. Surely you’d spend a substantial amount catering at home for all those people anyway?

Cut them loose. Of course they all want to come, it's easy, cheap and no mess
Tell them they can pop in for tea if they wish but you have retired as host. Get in ready prepped food and put your feet up.

But even then, she'll end up doing most of it - getting the house ready, making sure all the extras are in.

OP, just say you no longer feel up to hosting and due to health issues you also don't feel up to eating out. Let them sort it out. They can take turns hosting in smaller groups.

You need to sit them down and tell them,not that you should have to as they should know your struggles. They are being extremely selfish 😔

We are a big family and this year we are cooking a turkey but getting nice breads and picky bits for Christmas day. Boxing day we are going out for dinner when the price will be so much cheaper. Really looking forward to a relaxing Christmas day.

Hosting even if others bring things is still too
much. You need to say no and stay strong.
go out Christmas Eve for a drink at the pub. Sorted

Yes. I wouldn't do that. They'll still find a way to take the piss. They sound like the type 😔

Just say you're not hosting this year as not feeling up to it - you can stay at home and have a nice quiet day with your husband! Maybe invite them all to drop in for drinks and turkey sandwiches on Boxing Day? Or just cheese and crackers and cold meats and buy a couple of puddings?

Ask to do a "bring a dish party" instead.

Casual theme plus paper plates so no masses of clearing up. Everyone contributes and you can do something make ahead so no stress on the day.

Present the problem to the family and ask for suggestions. Make it clear thst the current situation won’t be continuing.

You might find others are keen to make a change and will jump at the chance.

Tell them all today. Tell them you can no longer host the big family Xmas lunch. That you are telling them today so that there is enough time for them all to come up with suggestions.

We do the following:
Xmas eve - big family lunch in a pub.
Much cheaper than Xmas Day.

Xmas Day - all in our own houses, doing our own thing. FIL goes to his partner’s.

Boxing Day - get together for a walk, games, we host a big buffet.

Job done.

We have a reasonable sized house but we have 5 children, all with spouses and we have grandchildren. Without the children we could move the table into the living room and add another table on the end to seat everyone but there would be no space for the children to play and our oven is too small to cook for that many.

So we hire a local village hall. We split the food - last year one couple did the main meal, another did desert, another did side dishes and DH and I did drinks - no alcohol because every couple needed to drive. Last year we were 9 adults and a child for lunch.

This year there may be only 4 adults and 2 children for lunch but another 9 adults and three children will join us after lunch for general family silliness and fun.

We hire the hall for three days - Christmas Eve we set up, Christmas Day when we are done we just walk away and go back late morning on Boxing Day to sweep up, wipe down the kitchen and collect the rubbish. If you can do that as a family it takes an hour. Christmas Eve we have a beige buffet and the leftovers go in the fridge and come out when the additional family arrives in the afternoon to pick at. I can't imagine trying to entertain the family in the house again!

Op has said she doesnt want to host!

Tell them you’re unable to host. Or if you want a compromise, ask everyone to bring one (cooked!) dish that can be warmed up and you could do the turkey only. Get the kids one smelly gift and either money or a gift card. People are always surprisingly adaptable when someone puts their foot down!

omg I meant one SMALL gift not smelly gift 😂

OP, please don't offer your house as venue, it will all fall to you when they get 'busy' 'forget things' and come to the conclusion that you do it better. You will end up doing it all anyway. Have them eat at their own houses or out at a restaurant. Stand firm. After I had my first child my mum told me it was time for me to make Christmas dinner for my own family as I still had unmarried siblings coming to hers and it was getting too much. I understood, we still called over on the day to say hello but I would've hated to put any undue pressure on my mum.

Agree with others just say no. I don't think you need to explain why. They are adults. Do they never stay with their partner's families for Christmas? Once you tell them a weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you will be able to enjoy Christmas.

In your shoes that’s exactly what I would do.
Send the message asap so others can make their plan.
Stay strong.

ChatGTP came up with this:
“Hi everyone! Just to give you plenty of notice, I won’t be able to host Christmas this year 🎄 So, someone else is going to have to step up and have us all round! 😂 Hopefully someone will fancy taking it on. I’m sure we’ll have a lovely Christmas wherever we end up! ❤️🎅”
Tweak it as you see fit!